The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.
2. I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
3. This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.
4. The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?
5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.
6. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
7. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
8. The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
9. Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.
10. Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.
11. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink.
12. Would you please send a man to repair my downspout. I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away.
13. Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.
14. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much.
15. When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.
Nun at Hooters
Moderators: daewoomofo, Moderators Group
-
john_trickle
- Expert
- Posts: 1011
- Joined: Sun Jun 05, 2005 10:04 am
- Location: AUSTRALIA
- Contact:
-
john_trickle
- Expert
- Posts: 1011
- Joined: Sun Jun 05, 2005 10:04 am
- Location: AUSTRALIA
- Contact:
Changing Oil
Oil Changing Instructions for Women:
1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3,000 since the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent:
$20.00 for oil change
$1.00 for coffee.
TOTAL: $21.00
Oil Change Instructions for Men:
1. Go to store, spend $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree.
2. Get home to discover that the used oil container is full.
3. Instead of taking it to local repair garage for recycling, dump in hole in back yard.
4. Open a beer and drink it.
5. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
6. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
7. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
8. Place drain pan under engine.
9. Look for 9/16th box end wrench.
10. give up and use crescent wrench.
11. Unscrew drain plug.
12. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil ; get hot oil on you in process.
13. Clean up mess.
14. Have another beer while watching oil drain.
15. Look for oil filter wrench.
16. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.
17. Beer.
18. Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
19. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
20. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
21. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
22. Walk to 7 Eleven; buy beer.
23. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
24. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
25. Remember drain plug from step 11.
26. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
27. Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
28. Drink Beer.
29. Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.
30. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
31. Drink beer.
32. Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
33. Bang head on floor boards in reaction to step 31.
34. Begin cussing a fit.
35. Throw wrench.
36. Swear 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss July (1992) in her overabundant chest.
36. Beer.
37. Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38. Beer.
39. Beer.
40. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41. Beer.
42. Lower car from jack stands.
43. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
44. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
45. Beer
46. Test drive car.
47. Get pulled over; arrested for driving under the influence.
48. Car gets impounded.
49. Make bail: Get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
$50.00 parts
$25.00 Beer
$75.00 replacement set of jack stands
$1,000.00 Bail
$200.00 Impound and towing fee
TOTAL: $1,350.00
1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3,000 since the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent:
$20.00 for oil change
$1.00 for coffee.
TOTAL: $21.00
Oil Change Instructions for Men:
1. Go to store, spend $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree.
2. Get home to discover that the used oil container is full.
3. Instead of taking it to local repair garage for recycling, dump in hole in back yard.
4. Open a beer and drink it.
5. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
6. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
7. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
8. Place drain pan under engine.
9. Look for 9/16th box end wrench.
10. give up and use crescent wrench.
11. Unscrew drain plug.
12. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil ; get hot oil on you in process.
13. Clean up mess.
14. Have another beer while watching oil drain.
15. Look for oil filter wrench.
16. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.
17. Beer.
18. Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
19. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
20. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
21. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
22. Walk to 7 Eleven; buy beer.
23. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
24. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
25. Remember drain plug from step 11.
26. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
27. Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
28. Drink Beer.
29. Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.
30. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
31. Drink beer.
32. Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
33. Bang head on floor boards in reaction to step 31.
34. Begin cussing a fit.
35. Throw wrench.
36. Swear 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss July (1992) in her overabundant chest.
36. Beer.
37. Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38. Beer.
39. Beer.
40. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41. Beer.
42. Lower car from jack stands.
43. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
44. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
45. Beer
46. Test drive car.
47. Get pulled over; arrested for driving under the influence.
48. Car gets impounded.
49. Make bail: Get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
$50.00 parts
$25.00 Beer
$75.00 replacement set of jack stands
$1,000.00 Bail
$200.00 Impound and towing fee
TOTAL: $1,350.00
-
john_trickle
- Expert
- Posts: 1011
- Joined: Sun Jun 05, 2005 10:04 am
- Location: AUSTRALIA
- Contact:
The Tooth Fairy
Dear _________________,
Thank you for leaving [ ] tooth/teeth under your pillow last night.
While we make every attempt to leave a monetary reward in the case of lost or stolen children's teeth, we were unable to process your request for the following reason(s) indicated below:
( ) the tooth could not be found
( ) it was not a human tooth
( ) we do not think that pieces of chicken bone are very funny
( ) we were unable to approach the tooth due to excessive odor
( ) the tooth has previously been redeemed for cash
( ) the tooth did not originally belong to you
( ) the tooth fairy does not process fingernails
( ) your request has been forwarded to the Nerve Ending Fairy for appropriate action
( ) you were overheard to state that you do not believe in the tooth fairy
( ) you are age 12 or older at the time your request was received
( ) the tooth is still in your mouth
( ) the tooth was guarded by a vicious fairy-eating dog at the time of our visit
( ) no nightlight was on at the time of our visit
( ) the snacks provided for the tooth fairy were not satisfactory, or were missing
( ) we discovered evidence of unsafe tooth extraction as follows:
[ ] string
[ ] pliers
[ ] gunpowder
[ ] hammer marks
[ ] chisel
[ ] part of skull attached to tooth
[ ] no dental care
( ) other reason
Instead of the usual cash redemption, we have provided the following certificate which you may attempt to exchange at a retail store near you. Thank you for your request, and we look forward to serving you in the future.
Sincerely,
The Tooth Fairy
Thank you for leaving [ ] tooth/teeth under your pillow last night.
While we make every attempt to leave a monetary reward in the case of lost or stolen children's teeth, we were unable to process your request for the following reason(s) indicated below:
( ) the tooth could not be found
( ) it was not a human tooth
( ) we do not think that pieces of chicken bone are very funny
( ) we were unable to approach the tooth due to excessive odor
( ) the tooth has previously been redeemed for cash
( ) the tooth did not originally belong to you
( ) the tooth fairy does not process fingernails
( ) your request has been forwarded to the Nerve Ending Fairy for appropriate action
( ) you were overheard to state that you do not believe in the tooth fairy
( ) you are age 12 or older at the time your request was received
( ) the tooth is still in your mouth
( ) the tooth was guarded by a vicious fairy-eating dog at the time of our visit
( ) no nightlight was on at the time of our visit
( ) the snacks provided for the tooth fairy were not satisfactory, or were missing
( ) we discovered evidence of unsafe tooth extraction as follows:
[ ] string
[ ] pliers
[ ] gunpowder
[ ] hammer marks
[ ] chisel
[ ] part of skull attached to tooth
[ ] no dental care
( ) other reason
Instead of the usual cash redemption, we have provided the following certificate which you may attempt to exchange at a retail store near you. Thank you for your request, and we look forward to serving you in the future.
Sincerely,
The Tooth Fairy
-
john_trickle
- Expert
- Posts: 1011
- Joined: Sun Jun 05, 2005 10:04 am
- Location: AUSTRALIA
- Contact:
Male Wedding Plans
What would it be like if men were put in charge of organizing weddings?
There would be a "Rehearsal Dinner Kegger" until the cops showed up.
Bridesmaids would wear matching blue jean cut-offs and halter tops.
They would have NO tan lines and more skin showing than not.
Tuxes would have team logos on the back and the Nike shoes would have matching team colors.
June weddings would be scheduled around basketball play-offs.
Vows would mention cooking and sex specifically, but omit that "forsaking all others" part.
The couple would leave the ceremony in a souped up '73 Charger or some other Mopar with racing tires and flame designs on the side of the car. Better yet, a Harley!
Idiots who tried to dance with the bride (unless they were really old) would get punched in the head.
Big, slobbery dogs would be eligible for the role of "Best Man".
There would be "Tailgate Receptions".
Outdoor weddings would be held during sporting events at half-time or between innings.
Ceremonies would be short and honeymoons would be long.
Ceremonies and honeymoons would be inexpensive compared to the cost of the bachelor party. The cost of strippers and liquor really do add up.
Men wouldn't ask, "Well, what do you think, dear? The burgundy or the wine colored napkins?" They'd just grab extras from their local pub, tavern or donut store.
Favors would be matchbooks and cigars. Better yet, free drink passes at the local lounge.
The bride's dress would show cleavage, her navel, and be form-fitted to her arse.
Instead of a sit-down dinner or a buffet, there would be a hog roast or buckets of chicken, pizza and plenty of b-b-q.
No one would bother with that "Veil Routine". But they would insist that the garter be as high up on her leg as it could go.
The bridal bouquet would be recycled from a previous funeral/wedding (what's the difference) or something.
Invitations would read as follows...
Tom (Dick or Harry) is getting the old ball and chain...
He's getting married. He either:
A) Knocked her up
B) Couldn't get a different roommate or
C) Caved in to her ultimatum...
Please meet the woman who will cook and clean for him. For the rest of his life at Soldier Field Stadium. On the 50 Yard Line At Half-time during Sunday's Game. Please join us at the Moonlight Lounge after the game For Beer, Nachos and Pizza.
Oh yeah... BYOB!
There would be a "Rehearsal Dinner Kegger" until the cops showed up.
Bridesmaids would wear matching blue jean cut-offs and halter tops.
They would have NO tan lines and more skin showing than not.
Tuxes would have team logos on the back and the Nike shoes would have matching team colors.
June weddings would be scheduled around basketball play-offs.
Vows would mention cooking and sex specifically, but omit that "forsaking all others" part.
The couple would leave the ceremony in a souped up '73 Charger or some other Mopar with racing tires and flame designs on the side of the car. Better yet, a Harley!
Idiots who tried to dance with the bride (unless they were really old) would get punched in the head.
Big, slobbery dogs would be eligible for the role of "Best Man".
There would be "Tailgate Receptions".
Outdoor weddings would be held during sporting events at half-time or between innings.
Ceremonies would be short and honeymoons would be long.
Ceremonies and honeymoons would be inexpensive compared to the cost of the bachelor party. The cost of strippers and liquor really do add up.
Men wouldn't ask, "Well, what do you think, dear? The burgundy or the wine colored napkins?" They'd just grab extras from their local pub, tavern or donut store.
Favors would be matchbooks and cigars. Better yet, free drink passes at the local lounge.
The bride's dress would show cleavage, her navel, and be form-fitted to her arse.
Instead of a sit-down dinner or a buffet, there would be a hog roast or buckets of chicken, pizza and plenty of b-b-q.
No one would bother with that "Veil Routine". But they would insist that the garter be as high up on her leg as it could go.
The bridal bouquet would be recycled from a previous funeral/wedding (what's the difference) or something.
Invitations would read as follows...
Tom (Dick or Harry) is getting the old ball and chain...
He's getting married. He either:
A) Knocked her up
B) Couldn't get a different roommate or
C) Caved in to her ultimatum...
Please meet the woman who will cook and clean for him. For the rest of his life at Soldier Field Stadium. On the 50 Yard Line At Half-time during Sunday's Game. Please join us at the Moonlight Lounge after the game For Beer, Nachos and Pizza.
Oh yeah... BYOB!
-
john_trickle
- Expert
- Posts: 1011
- Joined: Sun Jun 05, 2005 10:04 am
- Location: AUSTRALIA
- Contact:
Tombstone Humor
These epitaphs are reported to be from actual tombstones...
On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:
Here lies
Ezekial Aikle
Age 102
The Good
Die Young.
In a London, England cemetery:
Ann Mann
Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann.
Dec. 8, 1767
In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread
And the Lord sent them manna,
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.
Playing with names in a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
Here lies
Johnny Yeast
Pardon me
For not rising.
Memory of an accident in a Uniontown, Pennsylvania cemetery:
Here lies the body
of Jonathan Blake
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.
In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
Here lays Butch,
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger,
But slow on the draw.
A widow wrote this epitaph in a Vermont cemetery:
Sacred to the memory of
my husband John Barnes
who died January 3, 1803
His comely young widow, aged 23, has
many qualifications of a good wife, and
yearns to be comforted.
A lawyer's epitaph in England:
Sir John Strange
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.
Someone determined to be anonymous in Stowe, Vermont:
I was somebody.
Who, is no business
Of yours.
Lester Moore was a Wells, Fargo Co. station agent for Naco, Arizona in the cowboy days of the 1880's. He's buried in the Boot Hill Cemetery in Tombstone, Arizona:
Here lies Lester Moore
Four slugs from a .44
No Les No More.
In a Georgia cemetery:
"I told you I was sick!"
John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:
Reader if cash thou art
In want of any
Dig 4 feet deep
And thou wilt find a Penny.
On Margaret Daniels grave at Hollywood Cemetery Richmond, Virginia:
She always said her feet were killing her
but nobody believed her.
In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:
On the 22nd of June
- Jonathan Fiddle -
Went out of tune.
Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont has an epitaph that sounds like something from a Three Stooges movie:
Here lies the body of our Anna
Done to death by a banana
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low
But the skin of the thing that made her go.
More fun with names with Owen Moore in Battersea, London, England:
Gone away
Owin' more
Than he could pay.
Someone in Winslow, Maine didn't like Mr. Wood:
In Memory of Beza Wood
Departed this life
Nov. 2, 1837
Aged 45 yrs.
Here lies one Wood
Enclosed in wood
One Wood
Within another.
The outer wood
Is very good:
We cannot praise
The other.
On a grave from the 1880's in Nantucket, Massachusetts:
Under the sod and under the trees
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod:
Pease shelled out and went to God.
The grave of Ellen Shannon in Girard, Pennsylvania is almost a consumer tip:
Who was fatally burned
March 21, 1870
by the explosion of a lamp
filled with "R.E. Danforth's
Non-Explosive Burning Fluid"
Oops! Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
Born 1903--Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if
the car was on the way down. It was.
In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up
And no place to go.
On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:
Here lies
Ezekial Aikle
Age 102
The Good
Die Young.
In a London, England cemetery:
Ann Mann
Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann.
Dec. 8, 1767
In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread
And the Lord sent them manna,
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.
Playing with names in a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
Here lies
Johnny Yeast
Pardon me
For not rising.
Memory of an accident in a Uniontown, Pennsylvania cemetery:
Here lies the body
of Jonathan Blake
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.
In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
Here lays Butch,
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger,
But slow on the draw.
A widow wrote this epitaph in a Vermont cemetery:
Sacred to the memory of
my husband John Barnes
who died January 3, 1803
His comely young widow, aged 23, has
many qualifications of a good wife, and
yearns to be comforted.
A lawyer's epitaph in England:
Sir John Strange
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.
Someone determined to be anonymous in Stowe, Vermont:
I was somebody.
Who, is no business
Of yours.
Lester Moore was a Wells, Fargo Co. station agent for Naco, Arizona in the cowboy days of the 1880's. He's buried in the Boot Hill Cemetery in Tombstone, Arizona:
Here lies Lester Moore
Four slugs from a .44
No Les No More.
In a Georgia cemetery:
"I told you I was sick!"
John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:
Reader if cash thou art
In want of any
Dig 4 feet deep
And thou wilt find a Penny.
On Margaret Daniels grave at Hollywood Cemetery Richmond, Virginia:
She always said her feet were killing her
but nobody believed her.
In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:
On the 22nd of June
- Jonathan Fiddle -
Went out of tune.
Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont has an epitaph that sounds like something from a Three Stooges movie:
Here lies the body of our Anna
Done to death by a banana
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low
But the skin of the thing that made her go.
More fun with names with Owen Moore in Battersea, London, England:
Gone away
Owin' more
Than he could pay.
Someone in Winslow, Maine didn't like Mr. Wood:
In Memory of Beza Wood
Departed this life
Nov. 2, 1837
Aged 45 yrs.
Here lies one Wood
Enclosed in wood
One Wood
Within another.
The outer wood
Is very good:
We cannot praise
The other.
On a grave from the 1880's in Nantucket, Massachusetts:
Under the sod and under the trees
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod:
Pease shelled out and went to God.
The grave of Ellen Shannon in Girard, Pennsylvania is almost a consumer tip:
Who was fatally burned
March 21, 1870
by the explosion of a lamp
filled with "R.E. Danforth's
Non-Explosive Burning Fluid"
Oops! Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
Born 1903--Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if
the car was on the way down. It was.
In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up
And no place to go.
-
john_trickle
- Expert
- Posts: 1011
- Joined: Sun Jun 05, 2005 10:04 am
- Location: AUSTRALIA
- Contact:
Consulting Prostitute
Are you a prostitute or a consultant?
You work very odd hours.
You are paid a lot of money to keep your client happy.
You are paid well but your pimp gets most of the money.
You spend a majority of your time in a hotel room.
You charge by the hour but your time can be extended for the right price.
You are not proud of what you do.
Creating fantasies for your clients is rewarded.
It's difficult to have a family.
You have no job satisfaction.
If a client beats you up, the pimp just sends you to another client.
You are embarrassed to tell people what you do for a living.
People ask you, "What do you do?" and you can't explain it.
Your family hardly recognizes you at reunions (at least the reunions you attend.)
Your friends have distanced themselves from you and you're left hanging with only other "professionals."
Your client pays for your hotel room plus your hourly rate.
Your client always wants to know how much you charge and what they get for the money.
Your pimp drives nice cars like Mercedes or BMWs.
Your pimp encourages drinking and you become addicted to drugs to ease the pain.
You know the pimp is charging more than you are worth but if the client is foolish enough to pay it's not your problem.
When you leave to go see a client, you look great, but return looking like hell (compare your appearance on Monday AM to Friday PM).
You are rated on your "performance" in an excruciating ordeal.
Even though you get paid the big bucks, it's the client who walks away smiling.
The client always thinks your "cut" of your billing rate is higher than it actually is, and in turn, expects miracles from you.
When you deduct your "take" from your billing rate, you constantly wonder if you could get a better deal with another pimp.
Everyday you wake up and tell yourself, "I'm not going to be doing this stuff the rest of my life.".
You work very odd hours.
You are paid a lot of money to keep your client happy.
You are paid well but your pimp gets most of the money.
You spend a majority of your time in a hotel room.
You charge by the hour but your time can be extended for the right price.
You are not proud of what you do.
Creating fantasies for your clients is rewarded.
It's difficult to have a family.
You have no job satisfaction.
If a client beats you up, the pimp just sends you to another client.
You are embarrassed to tell people what you do for a living.
People ask you, "What do you do?" and you can't explain it.
Your family hardly recognizes you at reunions (at least the reunions you attend.)
Your friends have distanced themselves from you and you're left hanging with only other "professionals."
Your client pays for your hotel room plus your hourly rate.
Your client always wants to know how much you charge and what they get for the money.
Your pimp drives nice cars like Mercedes or BMWs.
Your pimp encourages drinking and you become addicted to drugs to ease the pain.
You know the pimp is charging more than you are worth but if the client is foolish enough to pay it's not your problem.
When you leave to go see a client, you look great, but return looking like hell (compare your appearance on Monday AM to Friday PM).
You are rated on your "performance" in an excruciating ordeal.
Even though you get paid the big bucks, it's the client who walks away smiling.
The client always thinks your "cut" of your billing rate is higher than it actually is, and in turn, expects miracles from you.
When you deduct your "take" from your billing rate, you constantly wonder if you could get a better deal with another pimp.
Everyday you wake up and tell yourself, "I'm not going to be doing this stuff the rest of my life.".
-
john_trickle
- Expert
- Posts: 1011
- Joined: Sun Jun 05, 2005 10:04 am
- Location: AUSTRALIA
- Contact:
Using The ATM
The differences between how a woman and a man uses a drive-through banking machine. Here is his and hers ATM usage explained...
HIS
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN number and account
4. Take cash, card and receipt
HER
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Check makeup in rearview mirror
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for wrapper with PIN number written on it
9. Enter PIN number
10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.
11. Hit "cancel"
12. Re-enter correct PIN number
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. STOP
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in gear, reverse
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Travel 3 miles
41. Release parking brake
HIS
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN number and account
4. Take cash, card and receipt
HER
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Check makeup in rearview mirror
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for wrapper with PIN number written on it
9. Enter PIN number
10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.
11. Hit "cancel"
12. Re-enter correct PIN number
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. STOP
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in gear, reverse
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Travel 3 miles
41. Release parking brake
-
john_trickle
- Expert
- Posts: 1011
- Joined: Sun Jun 05, 2005 10:04 am
- Location: AUSTRALIA
- Contact:
Your New Computer
Congratulations! You have purchased an Anthrax 2000 Multimedia Personal Computer with Digital Doo-Dah Enhancer. It will give many years of faithful service, if you ever get it up and running. Also included with your PC is a special bonus pack of free pre-installed software:- 'Lawn Mowing Planner', 'Blank Screen Saver', 'East Africa Route Finder' and 'X15 Submarine Mechanic' valued at over a fiver, which will provide hours of pointless diversion whilst using up most of your computers spare memory. You are now ready to begin the installation so turn the page and lets get started!
<new page>
Getting Ready: Congratulations, you have successfully turned the page which means you have a high enough IQ to realize things don't look too good. If your delicate PC has arrived in a damaged box, possibly from miss-handling or being dropped, it will be doubtful that the box will be of any use and can be thrown away.
Important meaningless note: The Anthrax 2000 is configured to use the 80386, Z80 and ARMITAGE SHANKS processors running at 2,472 hertz on variable speed spin cycle. Check your electrical installation and insurance policies before proceeding. Do not tumble dry. To prevent internal heat build up, select a cool, dry environment for your computer. The bottom shelf of a refrigerator is ideal. Unpack the box and examine its contents. (WARNING: Do not open the box if contents are missing or faulty as this will invalidate your warranty. Return all missing contents in their original packaging with a note explaining where they have gone and a replacement will be sent within twelve working months.) Also, only open the box if you intend to use your PC as this will bind you to the terms and conditions set out in the manual, which will be sent to you when it has been written. The contents of the box (if you have the deluxe model) should include some of the following: Monitor with mysterious De Gauss button; keyboard with 2½ inches of flex; computer unit; miscellaneous wires and cables not necessarily designed for this model; 2,000 page 'Owners Manual' of which 1,987 pages are in 26 different languages; 'Short Guide to the Owners Manual'; 'Quick Start Guide' to the 'Short Guide to the Owners Manual'; 'Laminated Super-Kwik Set-Up Guide for People Who Are Exceptionally Impatient or Stupid'; 1,167 pages of warranties, vouchers, notices in Spanish and other loose pieces of paper; 292 cubic feet of cardboard and Styrofoam packing material.
All our PC's are subjected to a rigorous 24 hour 'Burn In - Burn Out' test. Please wipe off any soot from the case before using.
Something They Didn't Tell You When You Ordered: Because of the additional power hungry needs of the Computer like switching it on, you will need to acquire an Anthrax 2000 auxiliary hardware upgrade pack, a 900 volt memory capacitor for the auxiliary hardware pack, a 50 megahertz oscillator for the memory capacitor, 64 Gigabytes of additional memory for the oscillator and a small electrical substation.
Setting Up: You are now ready to set up your PC. If you have not yet acquired a degree in Electrical engineering, now is the time to do so. Connect the monitor cable (A) to the portside outlet unit (D); attach power offload unit sub-orbiter (Xii) to the co-axial AC/DC servo channel (G); plug the three-pin mouse cable into the keyboard housing unit (make an extra hole if necessary); connect modem (B2) to offside parallel audio/video lineout jack. Alternatively, plug the cables into the most likely looking holes, switch on and see what happens. Additional meaningless note: The wires in the ampule modulator unit are marked as follows: blue = neutral or live; yellow = live or blue; blue and live = neutral and green; black = instant death. Plug in, switch on, and retire to a safe distance. If after plugging in and switching on your PC nothing happens, the items sent to you may have been
mislabelled. Please try plugging in the box. Should your computer appear to be working, please contact us immediately as we may need to employ you.
Now its time to install your Microsofarsogood software. Insert Disc A (marked 'Disc D' or 'Disc G') into Drive Slot B and type 'Setup' and press Return. If your keyboard does not have a return key, simply press the small spring lever where the Return button should be and wait. After installation, you will be asked to enter your License Verification Number. Your License Verification Number can be found by entering your Certified User Number, which can be found by entering your License Verification Number. If you are unable to find your License Verification or Certified User numbers, call the Software Support Line for assistance. (Please have your License Verification and Certified User numbers handy as the support staff cannot otherwise assist you.)
If you have not already lost faith, please insert Installation Diskette 1 in Drive Slot 2 (or vice versa) and follow the instructions on your screen. (Note: owing to software modifications, some instructions will appear in Romanian) At each prompt, select an option most suitable for the installation. As a rule of thumb and general to most installations, the Exit option is always a good bet. If the installation fails with an error message '## Not enough disk space ##' then you should have bought a bigger disk. If the installation is successful, insert Diskette 2, marked 'Diskette 1', and repeat the previous steps with each of the 187 other disks. Should you be unfortunate enough to receive an error message that says: Invalid file path. Abort or Continue? Be warned , Selecting 'Continue' may result in irreversible drive damage and loss of memory. On the other hand, selecting 'Abort' may result in irreversible drive damage and loss of memory. Please select the most appropriate option. When installation is complete, make sure your computer is plugged into the phone socket, type in your Name, Address and Credit Card details and press 'SEND'. This will automatically register you for our free software prize, 'Blank Screensaver IV: Night Time in Deep Space', and allow us to pass your name to lots and lots of computer magazines, online services and other commercial enterprises, who will be getting I touch shortly. If you should see numerous miscellaneous debits on your credit card, this is perfectly normal as it verifies that your modem is working correctly. Please be sure to fill in you warranty registration form and send it to us immediately. Failure to do this will result in us not receiving it.
<new page>
You are now ready to use your computer. Here are some simple exercises to get you off to a flying start:
Writing a letter: Type 'Dear' and follow it with the name of someone you know. Write a few lines about yourself, and then write 'Sincerely yours' followed by your own name. Print it off on your new printer that you are about to order from us and Voila!
Saving a file: To save your letter, select File Menu. Choose 'Save As', Choose 'Recycle Bin' as the location and press 'OK'. Alternatively, write it in long-hand on a sheet of paper and place it in a drawer.
Advice on using the Spreadsheet Facility: Don't!
Troubleshooting Section: You will have many, many problems through the life of your computer. These are quite normal and commonplace so don't send anything back to us.
Here are a few problems you may encounter and their solutions: Problem: My computer won't turn on Solution/Advice: This is perfectly normal
Problem: My keyboard doesn't seem to have any keys.
Solution/Advice: Turn the keyboard the right way up.
Problem: My foot pedal wont work
Solution/Advice: Try using it on the mouse mat instead
Problem: My CD Rom won't work.
Solution/Advice: This is not a CD-ROM, it's a coffee holder.
Problem: I have made a mistake in the word processor. How do I change it?
Solution/Advice: Tipp-Ex over the mistake and type it in correctly.
Problem: I keep getting a message saying 'General Protection Fault'
Solution/Advice: This is probably because you are trying to use the computer. Switch the computer to OFF mode and any messages will disappear.
Problem: What exactly will my warranty cover?
Solution/Advice: Its big enough to cover your mouse mat
Problem: My PC is a useless piece of junk
Solution/Advice: You need to upgrade to the Anthrax 3000 turbo model with exclusive limited ability, or trade your PC in for our pen and paper set. **
** Due to problems with some of our pens, the pen and paper set has been discontinued.
<new page>
Getting Ready: Congratulations, you have successfully turned the page which means you have a high enough IQ to realize things don't look too good. If your delicate PC has arrived in a damaged box, possibly from miss-handling or being dropped, it will be doubtful that the box will be of any use and can be thrown away.
Important meaningless note: The Anthrax 2000 is configured to use the 80386, Z80 and ARMITAGE SHANKS processors running at 2,472 hertz on variable speed spin cycle. Check your electrical installation and insurance policies before proceeding. Do not tumble dry. To prevent internal heat build up, select a cool, dry environment for your computer. The bottom shelf of a refrigerator is ideal. Unpack the box and examine its contents. (WARNING: Do not open the box if contents are missing or faulty as this will invalidate your warranty. Return all missing contents in their original packaging with a note explaining where they have gone and a replacement will be sent within twelve working months.) Also, only open the box if you intend to use your PC as this will bind you to the terms and conditions set out in the manual, which will be sent to you when it has been written. The contents of the box (if you have the deluxe model) should include some of the following: Monitor with mysterious De Gauss button; keyboard with 2½ inches of flex; computer unit; miscellaneous wires and cables not necessarily designed for this model; 2,000 page 'Owners Manual' of which 1,987 pages are in 26 different languages; 'Short Guide to the Owners Manual'; 'Quick Start Guide' to the 'Short Guide to the Owners Manual'; 'Laminated Super-Kwik Set-Up Guide for People Who Are Exceptionally Impatient or Stupid'; 1,167 pages of warranties, vouchers, notices in Spanish and other loose pieces of paper; 292 cubic feet of cardboard and Styrofoam packing material.
All our PC's are subjected to a rigorous 24 hour 'Burn In - Burn Out' test. Please wipe off any soot from the case before using.
Something They Didn't Tell You When You Ordered: Because of the additional power hungry needs of the Computer like switching it on, you will need to acquire an Anthrax 2000 auxiliary hardware upgrade pack, a 900 volt memory capacitor for the auxiliary hardware pack, a 50 megahertz oscillator for the memory capacitor, 64 Gigabytes of additional memory for the oscillator and a small electrical substation.
Setting Up: You are now ready to set up your PC. If you have not yet acquired a degree in Electrical engineering, now is the time to do so. Connect the monitor cable (A) to the portside outlet unit (D); attach power offload unit sub-orbiter (Xii) to the co-axial AC/DC servo channel (G); plug the three-pin mouse cable into the keyboard housing unit (make an extra hole if necessary); connect modem (B2) to offside parallel audio/video lineout jack. Alternatively, plug the cables into the most likely looking holes, switch on and see what happens. Additional meaningless note: The wires in the ampule modulator unit are marked as follows: blue = neutral or live; yellow = live or blue; blue and live = neutral and green; black = instant death. Plug in, switch on, and retire to a safe distance. If after plugging in and switching on your PC nothing happens, the items sent to you may have been
mislabelled. Please try plugging in the box. Should your computer appear to be working, please contact us immediately as we may need to employ you.
Now its time to install your Microsofarsogood software. Insert Disc A (marked 'Disc D' or 'Disc G') into Drive Slot B and type 'Setup' and press Return. If your keyboard does not have a return key, simply press the small spring lever where the Return button should be and wait. After installation, you will be asked to enter your License Verification Number. Your License Verification Number can be found by entering your Certified User Number, which can be found by entering your License Verification Number. If you are unable to find your License Verification or Certified User numbers, call the Software Support Line for assistance. (Please have your License Verification and Certified User numbers handy as the support staff cannot otherwise assist you.)
If you have not already lost faith, please insert Installation Diskette 1 in Drive Slot 2 (or vice versa) and follow the instructions on your screen. (Note: owing to software modifications, some instructions will appear in Romanian) At each prompt, select an option most suitable for the installation. As a rule of thumb and general to most installations, the Exit option is always a good bet. If the installation fails with an error message '## Not enough disk space ##' then you should have bought a bigger disk. If the installation is successful, insert Diskette 2, marked 'Diskette 1', and repeat the previous steps with each of the 187 other disks. Should you be unfortunate enough to receive an error message that says: Invalid file path. Abort or Continue? Be warned , Selecting 'Continue' may result in irreversible drive damage and loss of memory. On the other hand, selecting 'Abort' may result in irreversible drive damage and loss of memory. Please select the most appropriate option. When installation is complete, make sure your computer is plugged into the phone socket, type in your Name, Address and Credit Card details and press 'SEND'. This will automatically register you for our free software prize, 'Blank Screensaver IV: Night Time in Deep Space', and allow us to pass your name to lots and lots of computer magazines, online services and other commercial enterprises, who will be getting I touch shortly. If you should see numerous miscellaneous debits on your credit card, this is perfectly normal as it verifies that your modem is working correctly. Please be sure to fill in you warranty registration form and send it to us immediately. Failure to do this will result in us not receiving it.
<new page>
You are now ready to use your computer. Here are some simple exercises to get you off to a flying start:
Writing a letter: Type 'Dear' and follow it with the name of someone you know. Write a few lines about yourself, and then write 'Sincerely yours' followed by your own name. Print it off on your new printer that you are about to order from us and Voila!
Saving a file: To save your letter, select File Menu. Choose 'Save As', Choose 'Recycle Bin' as the location and press 'OK'. Alternatively, write it in long-hand on a sheet of paper and place it in a drawer.
Advice on using the Spreadsheet Facility: Don't!
Troubleshooting Section: You will have many, many problems through the life of your computer. These are quite normal and commonplace so don't send anything back to us.
Here are a few problems you may encounter and their solutions: Problem: My computer won't turn on Solution/Advice: This is perfectly normal
Problem: My keyboard doesn't seem to have any keys.
Solution/Advice: Turn the keyboard the right way up.
Problem: My foot pedal wont work
Solution/Advice: Try using it on the mouse mat instead
Problem: My CD Rom won't work.
Solution/Advice: This is not a CD-ROM, it's a coffee holder.
Problem: I have made a mistake in the word processor. How do I change it?
Solution/Advice: Tipp-Ex over the mistake and type it in correctly.
Problem: I keep getting a message saying 'General Protection Fault'
Solution/Advice: This is probably because you are trying to use the computer. Switch the computer to OFF mode and any messages will disappear.
Problem: What exactly will my warranty cover?
Solution/Advice: Its big enough to cover your mouse mat
Problem: My PC is a useless piece of junk
Solution/Advice: You need to upgrade to the Anthrax 3000 turbo model with exclusive limited ability, or trade your PC in for our pen and paper set. **
** Due to problems with some of our pens, the pen and paper set has been discontinued.
-
john_trickle
- Expert
- Posts: 1011
- Joined: Sun Jun 05, 2005 10:04 am
- Location: AUSTRALIA
- Contact:
Drug Warning
The following is an important announcement...
Police warn all clubbers, partygoers, and unsuspecting bar regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. A new date rape drug on the market called "beer" is used by many females to target unsuspecting men.
The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large "kegs."
"Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach.
After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking "beer," men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that something bad occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage."
Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory female.
Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. However, if you fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.
For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the yellow pages.
Police warn all clubbers, partygoers, and unsuspecting bar regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. A new date rape drug on the market called "beer" is used by many females to target unsuspecting men.
The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large "kegs."
"Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach.
After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking "beer," men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that something bad occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage."
Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory female.
Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. However, if you fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.
For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the yellow pages.
-
john_trickle
- Expert
- Posts: 1011
- Joined: Sun Jun 05, 2005 10:04 am
- Location: AUSTRALIA
- Contact:
New Medications
Advances in science have lead to new medicines that make the lives of women around the world a little better...
Damitol
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 hours.
St. Mom's Wort
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.
Empty Nestrogen
Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.
Peptobimbo
Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.
Dumerol
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music.
Flipitor
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
Antiboyotics
When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.
Menicillin
Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person... can we get naked now?"
Buyagra
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.
Extra Strength Buy-One-all
When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donny Osmond CD or a book by
Dr. Laura.
JackAsspirin
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.
Antitalksident
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.
Sexcedrin
More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome.
Ragamat
When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging at him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.
Damitol
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 hours.
St. Mom's Wort
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.
Empty Nestrogen
Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.
Peptobimbo
Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.
Dumerol
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music.
Flipitor
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
Antiboyotics
When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.
Menicillin
Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person... can we get naked now?"
Buyagra
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.
Extra Strength Buy-One-all
When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donny Osmond CD or a book by
Dr. Laura.
JackAsspirin
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.
Antitalksident
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.
Sexcedrin
More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome.
Ragamat
When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging at him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.
-
john_trickle
- Expert
- Posts: 1011
- Joined: Sun Jun 05, 2005 10:04 am
- Location: AUSTRALIA
- Contact:
My Stupid Ex
You want to know how stupid my ex really is? Note, most of these are equal opportunity insults. If your ex is female instead of male, just switch the pronoun.
1. He took a ruler to bed to see how long he slept.
2. He sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
3. He misspells I.Q.
4. He thought Boyz II Men was a day care center and Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.
5. Under "education" on his job application, he put "Hooked On Phonics."
6. He tripped over a cordless phone.
7. He spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "concentrate."
8. At the bottom of the job application where it says "sign here," he put "Sagittarius."
9. He studied for a blood test.
10. When he heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, he moved.
11. He thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
12. If he spoke his mind, he'd be speechless.
13. He thought he could only use his AM radio in the morning.
14. He has a shirt that says "TGIF." He thought stood for "This Goes In Front
15. To call him childish is an insult to children everywhere.
16. He has reach rock bottom and started to dig.
17. His gene pool needs chlorination.
18. He’s not so much a has-been as a definitely-won’t-be.
19. He only opens his mouth to change feet.
20. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
21. He has delusions of adequacy.
22. He qualifies as a gross ignoramus; 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
23. He would argue with a signpost.
24. He brings a lot of joy, whenever he leaves the room.
25. When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.
26. If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one.
27. He is a prime candidate for natural de-selection.
28. He is slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
29. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
30. If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
31. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
32. It takes him 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes.
33. If ignorance is bliss, he’s one of the happiest people alive.
34. He stopped to think and forgot to start again.
35. His sole purpose may be to serve as a warning to others.
36. He thinks a hard-on counts as personal growth.
37. He has an intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
38. He is as smart as bait.
39. In an emergency he can’t dial 911, because there’s no 11 on his phone.
40. He doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair.
41. He forgot to pay his brain bill.
42. His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
43. His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
44. If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
45. He is missing a few buttons on his remote control.
46. His receiver is off the hook.
47. He would go surfing in Nebraska.
48. He is an experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
49. He is dumber than a box of lint.
50. He took as IQ test and results came back negative.
51. He is all foam and no beer.
52. He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down
1. He took a ruler to bed to see how long he slept.
2. He sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
3. He misspells I.Q.
4. He thought Boyz II Men was a day care center and Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.
5. Under "education" on his job application, he put "Hooked On Phonics."
6. He tripped over a cordless phone.
7. He spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "concentrate."
8. At the bottom of the job application where it says "sign here," he put "Sagittarius."
9. He studied for a blood test.
10. When he heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, he moved.
11. He thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
12. If he spoke his mind, he'd be speechless.
13. He thought he could only use his AM radio in the morning.
14. He has a shirt that says "TGIF." He thought stood for "This Goes In Front
15. To call him childish is an insult to children everywhere.
16. He has reach rock bottom and started to dig.
17. His gene pool needs chlorination.
18. He’s not so much a has-been as a definitely-won’t-be.
19. He only opens his mouth to change feet.
20. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
21. He has delusions of adequacy.
22. He qualifies as a gross ignoramus; 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
23. He would argue with a signpost.
24. He brings a lot of joy, whenever he leaves the room.
25. When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.
26. If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one.
27. He is a prime candidate for natural de-selection.
28. He is slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
29. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
30. If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
31. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
32. It takes him 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes.
33. If ignorance is bliss, he’s one of the happiest people alive.
34. He stopped to think and forgot to start again.
35. His sole purpose may be to serve as a warning to others.
36. He thinks a hard-on counts as personal growth.
37. He has an intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
38. He is as smart as bait.
39. In an emergency he can’t dial 911, because there’s no 11 on his phone.
40. He doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair.
41. He forgot to pay his brain bill.
42. His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
43. His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
44. If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
45. He is missing a few buttons on his remote control.
46. His receiver is off the hook.
47. He would go surfing in Nebraska.
48. He is an experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
49. He is dumber than a box of lint.
50. He took as IQ test and results came back negative.
51. He is all foam and no beer.
52. He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down
-
john_trickle
- Expert
- Posts: 1011
- Joined: Sun Jun 05, 2005 10:04 am
- Location: AUSTRALIA
- Contact:
Microsoft Restaurant
Patron: Waiter!
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support
Waiter. What seems to be the problem?
Patron: There's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.
Patron: No, it's still there.
Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.
Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl!
Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem;how was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?!
Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?
Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.
Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.
Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check.
Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.
Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.
Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.
Waiter leaves.
Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!
The check:
Soup of the Day $5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day $2.50
Access to Support $1.00
TOTAL $8.50 + tax
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support
Waiter. What seems to be the problem?
Patron: There's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.
Patron: No, it's still there.
Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.
Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl!
Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem;how was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?!
Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?
Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.
Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.
Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check.
Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.
Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.
Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.
Waiter leaves.
Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!
The check:
Soup of the Day $5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day $2.50
Access to Support $1.00
TOTAL $8.50 + tax
-
john_trickle
- Expert
- Posts: 1011
- Joined: Sun Jun 05, 2005 10:04 am
- Location: AUSTRALIA
- Contact:
Condom Selection
Which condom would you use....
Nike Condoms: Just do it.
Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.
Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.
Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.
Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.
Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, its that simple.
Ford Condoms: The best never rest.
Chevy Condoms: Like a rock.
Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?
New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey-- you never know.
California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?
Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.
KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.
Coca Cola Condoms: Always a Real Thing.
Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.
Cambells Soup Condoms: Mm, mm good.
The Carl's Jr. Condom: If it doesn't get all over the place, it doesn't belong in your face...
General Electric: We bring good things to life!
AT&T condom: 'Reach out and touch someone.'
Bounty: The quicker picker upper.
Microsoft: where do you want to go today ?
Energizer: It keeps going and going and going....
M&M condom: 'It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!'
Chevron: use them? people do.
Taco Bell: get some; make a run for the border
MCI: for friends and family
Double Mint: Double your pleasure, double your fun!
The Sears latex condom: One coat is good for the entire winter
Delta Airlines travel pack: Delta's ready when you are
United Airlines travel pack: Fly United
The Star Trek Condom: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before
Wendy Condoms: Where's the beef?
Denny's Condoms: $1.99 Grand Slam
Mazda Condom: It Just Feels Right!
Maxwell House: Good to the last drop!
McDonalds condom: Over 99 billion served
Hewlett Packard condoms: Expanding Possibilities
Burger King: Have it your way
Dairy Queen: We treat you right
AOL: So easy to use, no wonder it's #1
Nike Condoms: Just do it.
Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.
Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.
Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.
Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.
Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, its that simple.
Ford Condoms: The best never rest.
Chevy Condoms: Like a rock.
Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?
New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey-- you never know.
California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?
Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.
KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.
Coca Cola Condoms: Always a Real Thing.
Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.
Cambells Soup Condoms: Mm, mm good.
The Carl's Jr. Condom: If it doesn't get all over the place, it doesn't belong in your face...
General Electric: We bring good things to life!
AT&T condom: 'Reach out and touch someone.'
Bounty: The quicker picker upper.
Microsoft: where do you want to go today ?
Energizer: It keeps going and going and going....
M&M condom: 'It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!'
Chevron: use them? people do.
Taco Bell: get some; make a run for the border
MCI: for friends and family
Double Mint: Double your pleasure, double your fun!
The Sears latex condom: One coat is good for the entire winter
Delta Airlines travel pack: Delta's ready when you are
United Airlines travel pack: Fly United
The Star Trek Condom: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before
Wendy Condoms: Where's the beef?
Denny's Condoms: $1.99 Grand Slam
Mazda Condom: It Just Feels Right!
Maxwell House: Good to the last drop!
McDonalds condom: Over 99 billion served
Hewlett Packard condoms: Expanding Possibilities
Burger King: Have it your way
Dairy Queen: We treat you right
AOL: So easy to use, no wonder it's #1
-
john_trickle
- Expert
- Posts: 1011
- Joined: Sun Jun 05, 2005 10:04 am
- Location: AUSTRALIA
- Contact:
Classified Ads
The following were actually taken from recent classified ads in newspapers...
FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL - 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG.
1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer
AMANA WASHER $100. OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED.
SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE... ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD - PART STUPID DOG
2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15
TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH ITS OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800
COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED... ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.
83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK -- $2000
STAR WARS JOB OF THE HUT - $15
SOFT & GENITAL BATH TISSUES OR FACIAL TISSUE 89 cents
GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.
FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 20 YR. WARRANTY. LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL.
FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BATH HOME.
FOR SALE: LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50
NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED *************CALL CHUBBIE
BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING "WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"
SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT..BEEN OUT AWHILE.. BETTER BE REWARD.
HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"
GET A LITTLE JOHN: THE TRAVELING URINAL HOLDS 2 1/2 BOTTLES OF BEER.
HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB
GEORGIA PEACHES CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.
NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE SLIGHTLY STAINED
FREE: FARM KITTENS. READY TO EAT.
AMERICAN FLAG 60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED $100
TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR.
EXERCISE EQUIPMENT: QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS -$175.
OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY! MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300.
LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY.
ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER
GROUND BEAST: 99 cents lb.
FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL - 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG.
1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer
AMANA WASHER $100. OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED.
SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE... ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD - PART STUPID DOG
2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15
TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH ITS OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800
COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED... ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.
83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK -- $2000
STAR WARS JOB OF THE HUT - $15
SOFT & GENITAL BATH TISSUES OR FACIAL TISSUE 89 cents
GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.
FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 20 YR. WARRANTY. LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL.
FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BATH HOME.
FOR SALE: LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50
NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED *************CALL CHUBBIE
BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING "WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"
SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT..BEEN OUT AWHILE.. BETTER BE REWARD.
HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"
GET A LITTLE JOHN: THE TRAVELING URINAL HOLDS 2 1/2 BOTTLES OF BEER.
HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB
GEORGIA PEACHES CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.
NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE SLIGHTLY STAINED
FREE: FARM KITTENS. READY TO EAT.
AMERICAN FLAG 60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED $100
TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR.
EXERCISE EQUIPMENT: QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS -$175.
OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY! MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300.
LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY.
ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER
GROUND BEAST: 99 cents lb.