Just a few laughs!

[Audacity Racing]

HAHAHAHA

[MMamdouh]

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning;

it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So.... you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".

Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God." The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks , "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are dangerous . Don't mess with them.

MMamdouh

[john_trickle]

An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Your Loving Husband.

P.S. Sure is hot down here


John

[john_trickle]

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation - "I now pronounce you man and wife."


john

[john_trickle]

There was a guy and he had a girlfriend called Lorraine. She was very pretty and he liked her a lot.

One day he went to work to find that a new girl had started working there. Her name was Clearly, and she was absolutely gorgeous.

He began to like her and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too. But, he was a loyal man and he wouldn't get involved with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine.

He decided that there was nothing for him to do but to break up with Lorraine and date the new girl. He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it.

One day as they were walking along the river bank, Lorraine slipped and fell in to the river. The current carried her off and she drowned.

The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing..." I can see Clearly now Lorraine is gone..."

[john_trickle]

A young blonde female stock broker was bored with driving her BMW. It lacked individuality and besides that, every other girl in the office had one. She fancied something a bit more individual, perhaps a MG convertible.

That week she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful Jaguar XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully restored
and she fell in love with it's gorgeous red paint job. An empty check stub later and off she was tearing down the leafy country lanes enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blonde hair was flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio, what could possibly go wrong?

At that thought there was a splutter from the engine and the car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the bonnet and concluded after a few minutes that she didn't have a bloody clue what was wrong. Luckily she had her mobile phone with her and a quick phone call to the AutoClub and a short wait saw a bright shiny yellow van pull up behind her.

"That's a lovely car," said the mechanic. "What seems to be the matter?" "Well, it just conked out I'm afraid."

"Let me have look." He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring like a cat again.

"Thank goodness," she said. "What was the matter?" "Simple really, just crap in the carburetor," he replied.

Looking shocked she asked, "Oh, OK... How many times a week do I have to do that?"

[john_trickle]

A man and woman are seated next to each other on a plane. After takeoff, the woman violently sneezes and excuses herself to go to the bathroom... so the man stands up to let her out.

She returns, and 15 minutes later she sneezes again big time, and again excuses herself to go to the bathroom.

She returns again, and immediately sneezes, excusing herself to go to the bathroom.

The man, a little tired of jumping up so often...asks her: "You keep sneezing, what's the problem?"

The woman replies: "I have a rare condition...every time I sneeze I have an orgasm."

He says, "Oh... what are you taking for it?"

She says: "Pepper."

[MMamdouh]

**W O R D S** **

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use aday...30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"


**CREATION**

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time..,

"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain, God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"


*WIFE vs. HUSBAND** **

a couple drove down a country road for several miles not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."*


The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the an realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at **5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00am." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.... Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM, Wake up."

*Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests....


MMamdouh

[bluesheepbrian]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices beautiful blond woman wave at
> >him and say hello. He's rather taken back, because he can't place where
> >he knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, '
> >I think your the father of one of my kids.'
> >
> >Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful
> >to his wife and says, 'My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor
> >party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies
> >watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???'
> >
> >She looks into his eyes and calmly says, 'No, I'm your son's math
> >teacher.'
>

[bluesheepbrian]

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES
>>>
>>> 1. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm
>>> clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going
>>> back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
>>>
>>> 2. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose
>>> of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
>>>
>>> 3. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while
>>> slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold
>>> them while you chop away.
>>>
>>> 4. (and for men:) Avoid arguments with the
>>> Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using
>>> the sink.
>>>
>>> 5. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply
>>> cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus
>>> reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use
>>> a timer.
>>>
>>> 6 Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with
>>> a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.
>>>
>>> Sometimes, we just need to remember what the
>>> rules of life really are:
>>>
>>> You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape.
>>> If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it
>>> shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
>>>
>>> Remember:
>>> * Everyone seems normal until you get to know
>>> them.
>>> * Never pass up an opportunity to go to the
>>> bathroom.
>>> * If you woke up breathing, congratulations!
>>> You get another chance.

[john_trickle]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t0vfGtt_yqQ

Guy slams into car window
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ool014We ... ed&search=

[MMamdouh]

A 45 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth!
Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

(You'll love this!!!)

God replied: "I didn't recognize you."

MMamdouh

[MMamdouh]

Husband and wife in bed together. She feels his hand rubbing her shoulder.

She: "Oh, that feels good."
His hand moves to her breast.

She: "Gee, honey, that feels wonderful."
His hand moves to her leg.

She: "Oh, honey, don't stop." But he stops.

She: "Why did you stop?"
He: "I found the remote."

MMamdouh

[john_trickle]

Three blondes are walking down the beach. They see something and pick it up and rub it. A genie comes out. He says, you each have one wish. The 1st one says I want to be 20 times smarter. She becomes a brunette. The second one says I want to be smarter but not that much smarter. Make me 10 times smarter. She turns into a redhead. The third one says, I don't want to be any more smarter. Make me 100 times dumber.
She turns into a man.

john

[john_trickle]

Excited about his new project concept, a movie producer had called together several big name draws to kick some ideas around.
The project, an action docu-drama about famous composers featured Stallone, Van Damme, and Schwartzenegger in leading roles.

The producers really wanted the box office 'oomph' of these three, and they were prepared to allow them to select what famous composers they would portray.

"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."

"Chopin has always been my favorite," said Van Damme, I'll play him."

Things were going well; the producers were pleased.

"Sounds splendid. And who do you want to be, Arnold?"

"I'll be Bach."

john