Just a few laughs!

[bluesheepbrian]

>> Did you hear about the two blonde Girls who froze to death in a drive-in
>> movie?
>> They went to see "Closed for the Winter."
>> ***************
>> Why did the blonde resolve to have only 3 children?
>> She heard that one out of every four children born in the world was
>> Chinese.
>> ***************
>> Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall?
>> There was a power outage, and twelve blondes were stuck on the escalators
>> for over four hours.
>> *****************
>> A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad
>> hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to
>> a repair shop. The shop owner noticed that she was blonde , so he decided
>> to have some fun.
>> He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and
>> all the dents would pop out.
>> So, the she went home, got down on her hands and knees and started
>> blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder,
>> and still nothing happened.
>> Her roommate, another blonde , came home and said, "What are you doing?"
>> The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow
>> into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
>> The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Duh, like hello! You need to roll
>> up the windows first.
>> ****************
>> A blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses.
>> The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while
>> covering the right eye.
>> The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which that the eye doctor, in
>> disgust, took a paper lunch bag with a hole to see through, covered up
>> the appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters.
>> As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her face.
>> "Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get emotional about getting
>> glasses."
>> "I know," agreed the blonde, "But I kind of had my heart set on wire
>> frames."
>> ****************
>> A blonde was shopping at a Target Store and came across a silver thermos.
>> She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and brought it over
>> to the clerk to ask what it was.
>> The clerk said, "That's a thermos . . . it keeps some things hot and some
>> things cold."
>> "Wow, said the blonde, "that's amazing. I'm going to buy it!" So she
>> bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.
>> Her boss saw it on her desk. "What do you have there?" he asked.
>> "Why, that's a thermos . . . it keeps hot things hot and cold things
>> cold," she replied.
>> Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?"
>> The blonde replied, "Two Popsicles, and some coffee."
>> ***************
>> Saved the Best for Last!
>> This has to be one of the best Blonde jokes around. This should make all
>> you technologically challenged people feel GOOD:
>> A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife, Susie, something
>> nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell
>> phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features.
>> Susie was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone.
>> The next day Susie went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her
>> astonishment, it was her husband on the other end. "Hi Susie," he said,
>> "how do you like your new phone?"
>> Susie replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as
>> a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though..."
>> "What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.
>> "How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"
>

[bluesheepbrian]

A little old lady with blue hair entered the sex shop and asked in a quavering voice, "Yy-young man, dd-do y-you sell-l d-dildoes h-here?" The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady's appearance in his shop, answered, "Uh, yes ma'am. We do." The little old lady, holding her quivering hands about ten inches apart, asked, "D-do y-you ha-ave an-ny ab-bb-bout th-this lon-ong?" "Well, yes ma'am, we do. We have several that size." Forming a five-inch circle with her fingers, she then asked, "A-are an-nny of t-them ab-b-bout thi-is b-big ar-round-d?" "Well yes, ma'am, a few of them are about that big." "D-do aa-ny of t-them ha-ave a v-v-vibra-a-ator?" "Yes, ma'am, one of them does." "W-w-ell th-then, h-how d-do yo-ou t-turn it off?"

[bluesheepbrian]

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold
night when the wife asks
her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk
lying at the side of the
road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.

It was and she said to her husband, "It's nearly
frozen to death. Can we
take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the
morning?"

He says, "OK, Get in the car with it."

The wife says, "Where shall I put it to get it warm?"

He says, "Put it between your legs. It's nice and warm
there."

"But what about the smell?" said the wife.

"Just hold its little nose."

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used
to beat him with died
at the scene.

[bluesheepbrian]

Cindy, a beautiful, well-endowed, young blonde, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet... As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says: Snatch Eating Frogs Only $20 each! Money-Back Guarantee! (Comes with complete instructions). Cindy excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her and whispers softly to Ralph, the man behind the counter: "I'll take one." Ralph, packaging up the frog, says, "Just follow the instructions carefully." Cindy nods, "Okay," grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, Cindy takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do... 1. Take a shower. 2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume. 3. Slip into on a very sexy teddy. 4. Crawl into bed, spread your legs and put the frog down on your pussy... She then quickly gets into bed, puts the frog between her legs and, to her surprise, nothing happens! Cindy is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store". So, Cindy calls... Ralph, the man from behind the counter says, "I had some complaints earlier today. I'll be right over". Within five minutes, Ralph is ringing her doorbell. Cindy welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there." Ralph, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says: "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"

[bluesheepbrian]

A blond calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blond says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then...He sighed......."Let's put all of the Frosted Flakes back in the box."

[bluesheepbrian]

An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she's driving a car. As she's going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but you were speeding. Can I see your driver's license?"
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper, and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way.
Up and down the halls she goes again. Again, the same old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but I saw you cross the centre line back there. Can I see your registration please?"
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way.
She zooms off again up and down the halls weaving all over. As she comes to the old man's room again he jumps out. This time, he's stark naked and has an erection!
The old lady in the wheel chair looks up and says, "Oh no... not the Breathalyzer again!"

[bluesheepbrian]

A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom.

She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote a note.

"I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this but I need the money.

Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park at 7AM."

Signed,

"The Blonde"

She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home.

The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed.

Inside the bag with the cash was the following note.

"Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another."

[bluesheepbrian]

Mad Wife Disease

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up
behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.

"What was that for?" he asked.

"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name
Laura Lou written on it," she replied.

"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of
one of the horses I bet on," he explained.

Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation.

Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.

When he came to, he asked, "What the hell was that for?"

She replied, "Your horse called."

[bluesheepbrian]

A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar
(The Brokeback Bar). "What the heck," he says to himself, "I really
want a drink."

When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name
of your willy?"

The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a
drink."

The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me
the name of your willy. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the
slogan
'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS,
because 'It really Satisfies.'"

The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give
him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to
his
left who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?"

The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX."

The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?"

The fella proudly replies," 'Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on
tickin!"

A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fellas on his right, who
happen
to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call
yours?"

The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because
'Quality
is Job One'." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"

The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY.....'Like a Rock!'"
And gives a wink!

Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes
up with a name for his manhood. Finally, he turns to the bartender and
exclaims, "The name of my willy is SECRET. Now give me a beer."

The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look
asks, "Why Secret?"

The cowboy says, "Because it's' STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A
WOMAN."

[lanowoo]

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.

The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered, why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry: "Pants"

Ms. Brooks: What's starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer.

Harry: "Bubble gum"

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong!"

[lanowoo]

A man walks into a coffee shop and places his order. "I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream." The girl behind the counter says "I'm sorry, sir, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?"

[lanowoo]

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

''Emma come first. I come. Dennis come and Dennis come again. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more.''

''You foul-mouthed swine,'' retorted the lady indignantly. ''In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public.''

''Hey, coola down lady,'' said the man. ''Imma just tella my friend howa to spella Mississippi.''

[lanowoo]

A little girl and her dog are walking through the forest when they suddenly fall into a pit. They scramble and scramble but can''t make their way out. The little girl yells, the dog barks, but no one is around to hear their calls for help. Slowly, the night sky turns black and they find themselves engulfed in utter darkness.

Off in the distance, the wolves begin howling. Each howl is louder and closer than the last.

The little girl holds the dog close to her chest and says sadly to the dog, "This is the worst mess in which ever have found ourselves, my darling Sparky."

"Yeah," the dog says, "we''re really screwed."

"Sparky," the girl says, astonished, "I didn''t know you could talk."

"Well," the dog says, "I was kinda waiting for the right time to tell you."

[lanowoo]

Here are some incredibly useful phrases you can use when in the workplace...

If you don’t know what it is, call it an ‘issue’…

If you don’t know how it works, call it a ‘process’…

If you don’t know whether its worth doing, call it an ‘option’…

If you don’t know how it could possibly be done call it a ‘challenge’ or an ‘exciting opportunity’…

If you want to confuse people, ask them about ‘customers’…

If you don’t know how to do something, ‘empower’ someone else to do it for you…

If you can’t take decisions, ‘create space’ for others to operate…

If you need a decision, call a ‘workshop’ to ‘network’ and ‘ground

the issue’, followed by an ‘awayday’ to ‘position the elephant in the room’ and achieve ‘buy-in’…

Never criticize or boast, call it ‘information sharing’…

Never call something a failure or mistake, its a ‘positive learning experience’…

Never argue, have an ‘adult conversation’…

Here are some helpful ways to get along at the workplace...

If you can’t get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights…

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt…

Don’t be irreplaceable, if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted…

It doesn’t matter what you do, it only matters what you say you’ve done and what you’re going to do…

After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before…

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get…

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and wear a lab coat…

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day…

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves…

If at first you don’t succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it…

There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office…

Keep your boss’s boss off your boss’s back…

Everything can be filed under “pending.”…

Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour…

To err is human, to forgive is not our policy…

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn’t the work he/she is supposed to be doing…

Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail…

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it…

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk…

People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn’t…

If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done…

At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying…

When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried…

Following the rules will not get the job done…

Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules…

When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, “How would the Lone Ranger handle this?”…

No matter how much you do, you never do enough…

The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong…

[daewoomofo]