An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years.
Upon her return, her father cussed her. "Where have ye been all thistime? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....da....I became a prostitute...."
"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."
"OK, da-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur
coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath).... and an ivitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and... ."
"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.
Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute da! Sniff, sniff."
"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant'. Come here and give yer old man a hug!"
Just a few laughs!
Moderators: daewoomofo, Moderators Group
-
bluesheepbrian
- Expert
- Posts: 459
- Joined: Tue Nov 11, 2003 3:44 am
- Location: Arundel, ME
- Contact:
WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM
>
> A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight
loss program.
>
> The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands
before him a
>
> voluptuous, athletic, 19-year-old babe dressed in nothing but
a pair of
>Nike
>
> running shoes and a sign around her neck.
>
> She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss
company.
>The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
>
> Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles
later
>huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows
up for the
>next four days and the same thing happens.
>
> On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find
he has lost
>10 l bs. as promised.
>
> He calls the company and orders their 5-day, 20 lb. program.
>
> The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the
most
>stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.
She is
>wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her
neck that
>reads, "If you catch me, you can have me".
>
> Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in
excellent
>shape and it takes him a while before he can continue, so for
the next four
>days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in
better and
>better shape.
>
> Much to his delight on the fifth day he weighs himself only to
discover
>that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.
>
> He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the
7-day, 50
>lb. program.
>
> "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is
our most
>rigorous program."
>
> "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
>
> The next day there's a knock at the door, and when he opens it
he finds
>
> Richard Simmons standing there wearing nothing but pink
running shoes and
>a sign around his neck that reads,
>
> "If I catch you, you're mine."
>
> A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight
loss program.
>
> The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands
before him a
>
> voluptuous, athletic, 19-year-old babe dressed in nothing but
a pair of
>Nike
>
> running shoes and a sign around her neck.
>
> She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss
company.
>The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
>
> Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles
later
>huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows
up for the
>next four days and the same thing happens.
>
> On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find
he has lost
>10 l bs. as promised.
>
> He calls the company and orders their 5-day, 20 lb. program.
>
> The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the
most
>stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.
She is
>wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her
neck that
>reads, "If you catch me, you can have me".
>
> Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in
excellent
>shape and it takes him a while before he can continue, so for
the next four
>days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in
better and
>better shape.
>
> Much to his delight on the fifth day he weighs himself only to
discover
>that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.
>
> He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the
7-day, 50
>lb. program.
>
> "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is
our most
>rigorous program."
>
> "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
>
> The next day there's a knock at the door, and when he opens it
he finds
>
> Richard Simmons standing there wearing nothing but pink
running shoes and
>a sign around his neck that reads,
>
> "If I catch you, you're mine."
2002 Daewoo Lanos HB
www.evo-imports.com
www.myspace.com/bluesheepbrian
"Beating a Honda is like banging a fat chick. Everyone can do it but who wants to brag about it?"
www.evo-imports.com
www.myspace.com/bluesheepbrian
"Beating a Honda is like banging a fat chick. Everyone can do it but who wants to brag about it?"
-
bluesheepbrian
- Expert
- Posts: 459
- Joined: Tue Nov 11, 2003 3:44 am
- Location: Arundel, ME
- Contact:
PECANS IN THE CEMETERY
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just
inside the cemetery fence.
One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the
tree,out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy.
Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he
thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to
investigate. Sure enough, he heard,"One for you, one for me. One for
you,one for me."
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off.
Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan
and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."
The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk."
When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you,
one for me..."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see
if we can see the Lord."
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable
to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of
the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go
get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."
They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the
kid on the bike.
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just
inside the cemetery fence.
One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the
tree,out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy.
Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he
thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to
investigate. Sure enough, he heard,"One for you, one for me. One for
you,one for me."
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off.
Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan
and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."
The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk."
When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you,
one for me..."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see
if we can see the Lord."
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable
to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of
the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go
get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."
They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the
kid on the bike.
2002 Daewoo Lanos HB
www.evo-imports.com
www.myspace.com/bluesheepbrian
"Beating a Honda is like banging a fat chick. Everyone can do it but who wants to brag about it?"
www.evo-imports.com
www.myspace.com/bluesheepbrian
"Beating a Honda is like banging a fat chick. Everyone can do it but who wants to brag about it?"
-
daewoomofo
- Moderator
- Posts: 4795
- Joined: Fri Nov 18, 2005 1:41 am
- Location: 313
-
bluesheepbrian
- Expert
- Posts: 459
- Joined: Tue Nov 11, 2003 3:44 am
- Location: Arundel, ME
- Contact:
Women will understand this and the men should memorize it!
The Hormone Hostage
The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, co-worker or significant other!
DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some wine.
DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Wow, you sure look good in brown!
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some wine
DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's my paycheck.
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some wine.
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a piece of chocolate with that?
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some wine.
DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't over-do it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some more wine.
13 Things PMS Stands For:
1 Pass My Shotgun
2 Psychotic Mood Shift
3 Perpetual Munching Spree
4 Puffy Mid-Section
5 People Make me Sick
6 Provide Me with Sweets
7 Pardon My Sobbing
8 Pimples May Surface
9 Pass My Sweat pants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
and my favorite one.
13. Potential Murder Suspect
Pass this on to all of your hormonal friends and those who might need a good laugh!
...Or men who need a warning.
And remember: Money talks .... but Chocolate SINGS!!!
The Hormone Hostage
The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, co-worker or significant other!
DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some wine.
DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Wow, you sure look good in brown!
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some wine
DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's my paycheck.
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some wine.
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a piece of chocolate with that?
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some wine.
DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't over-do it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some more wine.
13 Things PMS Stands For:
1 Pass My Shotgun
2 Psychotic Mood Shift
3 Perpetual Munching Spree
4 Puffy Mid-Section
5 People Make me Sick
6 Provide Me with Sweets
7 Pardon My Sobbing
8 Pimples May Surface
9 Pass My Sweat pants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
and my favorite one.
13. Potential Murder Suspect
Pass this on to all of your hormonal friends and those who might need a good laugh!
...Or men who need a warning.
And remember: Money talks .... but Chocolate SINGS!!!
2002 Daewoo Lanos HB
www.evo-imports.com
www.myspace.com/bluesheepbrian
"Beating a Honda is like banging a fat chick. Everyone can do it but who wants to brag about it?"
www.evo-imports.com
www.myspace.com/bluesheepbrian
"Beating a Honda is like banging a fat chick. Everyone can do it but who wants to brag about it?"
-
bluesheepbrian
- Expert
- Posts: 459
- Joined: Tue Nov 11, 2003 3:44 am
- Location: Arundel, ME
- Contact:
70 yr. old nurse walks into a bank and prepares to
endorse a check. She reaches in her pocket and pulls
out a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it.
She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment,
then realizing her mistake, she says, "Well that's
great......just great.....Some asshole's got my pen."
endorse a check. She reaches in her pocket and pulls
out a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it.
She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment,
then realizing her mistake, she says, "Well that's
great......just great.....Some asshole's got my pen."
2002 Daewoo Lanos HB
www.evo-imports.com
www.myspace.com/bluesheepbrian
"Beating a Honda is like banging a fat chick. Everyone can do it but who wants to brag about it?"
www.evo-imports.com
www.myspace.com/bluesheepbrian
"Beating a Honda is like banging a fat chick. Everyone can do it but who wants to brag about it?"
-
bluesheepbrian
- Expert
- Posts: 459
- Joined: Tue Nov 11, 2003 3:44 am
- Location: Arundel, ME
- Contact:
11 PEOPLE ON A ROPE
>>
>> Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one
>>
>> woman.
>> The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that
>> one
>> had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall. They were
>> unable to decide who would let go, until the woman gave a very touching
>> speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because,
>> as
>> a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids
>> and
>> for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little
>> in
>> return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started
>> clapping.
>>
>> Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one
>>
>> woman.
>> The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that
>> one
>> had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall. They were
>> unable to decide who would let go, until the woman gave a very touching
>> speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because,
>> as
>> a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids
>> and
>> for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little
>> in
>> return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started
>> clapping.
2002 Daewoo Lanos HB
www.evo-imports.com
www.myspace.com/bluesheepbrian
"Beating a Honda is like banging a fat chick. Everyone can do it but who wants to brag about it?"
www.evo-imports.com
www.myspace.com/bluesheepbrian
"Beating a Honda is like banging a fat chick. Everyone can do it but who wants to brag about it?"
-
bluesheepbrian
- Expert
- Posts: 459
- Joined: Tue Nov 11, 2003 3:44 am
- Location: Arundel, ME
- Contact:
Dumbest Kid in the World?
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"
2002 Daewoo Lanos HB
www.evo-imports.com
www.myspace.com/bluesheepbrian
"Beating a Honda is like banging a fat chick. Everyone can do it but who wants to brag about it?"
www.evo-imports.com
www.myspace.com/bluesheepbrian
"Beating a Honda is like banging a fat chick. Everyone can do it but who wants to brag about it?"
-
bluesheepbrian
- Expert
- Posts: 459
- Joined: Tue Nov 11, 2003 3:44 am
- Location: Arundel, ME
- Contact:
A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got the energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily.
Written in large black letters was the sentence. "Get well quick..... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."
Written in large black letters was the sentence. "Get well quick..... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."
2002 Daewoo Lanos HB
www.evo-imports.com
www.myspace.com/bluesheepbrian
"Beating a Honda is like banging a fat chick. Everyone can do it but who wants to brag about it?"
www.evo-imports.com
www.myspace.com/bluesheepbrian
"Beating a Honda is like banging a fat chick. Everyone can do it but who wants to brag about it?"
-
bluesheepbrian
- Expert
- Posts: 459
- Joined: Tue Nov 11, 2003 3:44 am
- Location: Arundel, ME
- Contact:
Someone out there either has too much
spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.
(Wait till you see the last one)!
DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER
DESPERATION:When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES:!
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay
too much time on their hands! (Probably a son-in-law)
Bet your friends haven't seen this one!!!
DON'T FORGET TO SHARE THIS
spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.
(Wait till you see the last one)!
DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER
DESPERATION:When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES:!
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay
too much time on their hands! (Probably a son-in-law)
Bet your friends haven't seen this one!!!
DON'T FORGET TO SHARE THIS
2002 Daewoo Lanos HB
www.evo-imports.com
www.myspace.com/bluesheepbrian
"Beating a Honda is like banging a fat chick. Everyone can do it but who wants to brag about it?"
www.evo-imports.com
www.myspace.com/bluesheepbrian
"Beating a Honda is like banging a fat chick. Everyone can do it but who wants to brag about it?"
Cows
DUBAI SYSTEM:
You have two cows. They are the biggest in the world. Or at least, they will be when they get here. For the moment, we have massive glossy brochures with computer generated 3D simulations of the cows, their surroundings, "cow city" with its canals, condominiums and monorails; every major highway is plastered with advertising for the cows, which will be "coming up" on your right.
You sell off their milk before the cows have even been milked to both legit and shady investors who hope to resell the nonexistent milk for a 100% profit in two years time. You bring Tiger Woods to milk the cow first to attract attention.
QATAR SYSTEM:
You have two cows. They've been sitting there for decades and no one realized that cows could produce milk. You see what Dubai is doing; you go crazy and start milking the heck out of the cows in the shortest time possible. Then you realize no one wanted the milk in the first place.
SAUDI SYSTEM:
Since milking the cow involves nipples the Gov't decides to ban all cows in public. The only method to milk a cow is to have a cow on one side of a curtain and a guy milking the cow on the other or to hire females and train them to milk the cows ... the debate is still going on.
BAHRAIN SYSTEM:
You have two cows. Some high Gov't official steals one, milks it, sells the milk and pockets the profit. The Gov't tells you that there is just one cow and not enough milk for the people. The people riot and scream death to the Gov't and carry Iranian flags. The Parliament, after thinking for 11 month, decides to employ ten Bahrainis to all milk the cow at the same time and so cutting back on unemployment.
LEBANON SYSTEM:
You have two cows. One is owned by Syria and the other is controlled by Hizbollah.
AMERICAN SYSTEM:
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow dropped dead.
FRENCH SYSTEM:
You have two cows. You go on strike because you wanted three cows.
RUSSIAN SYSTEM:
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
BRITISH SYSTEM:
You have two cows. Both are mad.
IRISH SYSTEM:
You have two cows. Both are drunk.
AUSTRALIAN SYSTEM:
You have two cows. You give one to the Americans and one to the British and you go back to shagging sheep
MMamdouh
You have two cows. They are the biggest in the world. Or at least, they will be when they get here. For the moment, we have massive glossy brochures with computer generated 3D simulations of the cows, their surroundings, "cow city" with its canals, condominiums and monorails; every major highway is plastered with advertising for the cows, which will be "coming up" on your right.
You sell off their milk before the cows have even been milked to both legit and shady investors who hope to resell the nonexistent milk for a 100% profit in two years time. You bring Tiger Woods to milk the cow first to attract attention.
QATAR SYSTEM:
You have two cows. They've been sitting there for decades and no one realized that cows could produce milk. You see what Dubai is doing; you go crazy and start milking the heck out of the cows in the shortest time possible. Then you realize no one wanted the milk in the first place.
SAUDI SYSTEM:
Since milking the cow involves nipples the Gov't decides to ban all cows in public. The only method to milk a cow is to have a cow on one side of a curtain and a guy milking the cow on the other or to hire females and train them to milk the cows ... the debate is still going on.
BAHRAIN SYSTEM:
You have two cows. Some high Gov't official steals one, milks it, sells the milk and pockets the profit. The Gov't tells you that there is just one cow and not enough milk for the people. The people riot and scream death to the Gov't and carry Iranian flags. The Parliament, after thinking for 11 month, decides to employ ten Bahrainis to all milk the cow at the same time and so cutting back on unemployment.
LEBANON SYSTEM:
You have two cows. One is owned by Syria and the other is controlled by Hizbollah.
AMERICAN SYSTEM:
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow dropped dead.
FRENCH SYSTEM:
You have two cows. You go on strike because you wanted three cows.
RUSSIAN SYSTEM:
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
BRITISH SYSTEM:
You have two cows. Both are mad.
IRISH SYSTEM:
You have two cows. Both are drunk.
AUSTRALIAN SYSTEM:
You have two cows. You give one to the Americans and one to the British and you go back to shagging sheep
MMamdouh
Driving is the utmost fun you can have with your pants on!
Check out my ride: http://www.cardomain.com/ride/567267
Check out my ride: http://www.cardomain.com/ride/567267
Viagra housewife
This is the private diary of a Viagra housewife...
Day 1
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.
Day 2
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.
Day 3
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of Nelson's Column and burst into tears.
Day 4
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his 'problem'. It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.
Day 5
What absolute bliss!!.
Day 6
Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's doing that.
Day 7
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, have to admit it's very nice - I don't think I've ever been so happy.
Day 8
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker. I'm also getting a bit sore down there.
Day 9
No time to write. He might catch me.
Day 10
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with neat whisky! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over....
Day 11
I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.
Day 12
I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning hasbecome dangerous...
Day 13
Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the bastard.
Day 14
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny. Help me!
Day 15
I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything I sit on. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more. Last night I told him to go and fuck himself and he did.
Day 16
The bastard has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.
Day 17
Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference...Christ! Here he comes again!
Day 18
He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. What absolute bliss!
Day 1
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.
Day 2
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.
Day 3
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of Nelson's Column and burst into tears.
Day 4
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his 'problem'. It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.
Day 5
What absolute bliss!!.
Day 6
Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's doing that.
Day 7
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, have to admit it's very nice - I don't think I've ever been so happy.
Day 8
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker. I'm also getting a bit sore down there.
Day 9
No time to write. He might catch me.
Day 10
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with neat whisky! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over....
Day 11
I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.
Day 12
I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning hasbecome dangerous...
Day 13
Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the bastard.
Day 14
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny. Help me!
Day 15
I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything I sit on. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more. Last night I told him to go and fuck himself and he did.
Day 16
The bastard has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.
Day 17
Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference...Christ! Here he comes again!
Day 18
He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. What absolute bliss!
Driving is the utmost fun you can have with your pants on!
Check out my ride: http://www.cardomain.com/ride/567267
Check out my ride: http://www.cardomain.com/ride/567267
Americans VS. Egyptians
Three Americans and three Egyptian engineers are traveling by train to a conference.
At the station, the three American each buy tickets and watch as the three Egyptians buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?", asked one of the three American.
"Watch and you will see", answers one of the Egyptians .
They all board the train. The Americans take their respective seats, but all three Egyptians cram into the toilet and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please". The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The American saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the American decide to copy the Egyptians on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Egyptians don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?", asks one perplexed American. "Watch and you will see", says one of the Egyptians . When they board the train the three American cram into a toilet and the three Egyptians cram into another one nearby. The train departs.
Shortly afterward, one of the Egyptians leaves his toilet and walks over to the toilet where the American are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
MMamdouh
At the station, the three American each buy tickets and watch as the three Egyptians buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?", asked one of the three American.
"Watch and you will see", answers one of the Egyptians .
They all board the train. The Americans take their respective seats, but all three Egyptians cram into the toilet and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please". The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The American saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the American decide to copy the Egyptians on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Egyptians don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?", asks one perplexed American. "Watch and you will see", says one of the Egyptians . When they board the train the three American cram into a toilet and the three Egyptians cram into another one nearby. The train departs.
Shortly afterward, one of the Egyptians leaves his toilet and walks over to the toilet where the American are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
MMamdouh
Driving is the utmost fun you can have with your pants on!
Check out my ride: http://www.cardomain.com/ride/567267
Check out my ride: http://www.cardomain.com/ride/567267
-
bluesheepbrian
- Expert
- Posts: 459
- Joined: Tue Nov 11, 2003 3:44 am
- Location: Arundel, ME
- Contact:
HUSBAND WANTED
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME, AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day she heard the doorbell.
Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair.
He had no arms or legs.
"You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" the widow said.
"Just look at you ... you have no legs!"
The old gentleman smiled, "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"
"You don't have any arms either!" she snorted.
Again, the old man smiled, "Therefore, I can never beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you still good in bed??"
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,
"I rang the door bell, didn't I?"
The Wedding is on Saturday........
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME, AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day she heard the doorbell.
Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair.
He had no arms or legs.
"You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" the widow said.
"Just look at you ... you have no legs!"
The old gentleman smiled, "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"
"You don't have any arms either!" she snorted.
Again, the old man smiled, "Therefore, I can never beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you still good in bed??"
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,
"I rang the door bell, didn't I?"
The Wedding is on Saturday........
2002 Daewoo Lanos HB
www.evo-imports.com
www.myspace.com/bluesheepbrian
"Beating a Honda is like banging a fat chick. Everyone can do it but who wants to brag about it?"
www.evo-imports.com
www.myspace.com/bluesheepbrian
"Beating a Honda is like banging a fat chick. Everyone can do it but who wants to brag about it?"
-
bluesheepbrian
- Expert
- Posts: 459
- Joined: Tue Nov 11, 2003 3:44 am
- Location: Arundel, ME
- Contact:
Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had.
The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!
She said it was midwinter... snowing and quite cold...and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah. It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before.
The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon.
They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte.
They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car. They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.
Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation.
As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she
attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly
apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.
Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about "what is taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off and in need of some assistance!"
He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma.
Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!
Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender. As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down... or perhaps that should be "pants down." And you thought your first date was embarrassing.
Jay Leno's comment .. "This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off
The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!
She said it was midwinter... snowing and quite cold...and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah. It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before.
The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon.
They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte.
They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car. They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.
Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation.
As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she
attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly
apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.
Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about "what is taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off and in need of some assistance!"
He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma.
Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!
Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender. As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down... or perhaps that should be "pants down." And you thought your first date was embarrassing.
Jay Leno's comment .. "This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off
2002 Daewoo Lanos HB
www.evo-imports.com
www.myspace.com/bluesheepbrian
"Beating a Honda is like banging a fat chick. Everyone can do it but who wants to brag about it?"
www.evo-imports.com
www.myspace.com/bluesheepbrian
"Beating a Honda is like banging a fat chick. Everyone can do it but who wants to brag about it?"