Just a few laughs!

[bluesheepbrian]

Hangover Rating System

One Star Hangover (*)
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively well However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 sodas and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.

Two Star Hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.

Three Star Hangover (***)
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke --- yet you haven't peed once.

Four Star Hangover (****)
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. (For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars.) Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five shits you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.

Five Star Hangover (*****)
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare ' floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass. Death sounds pretty good about right now...


THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex .
Nope, no more booze for me .
Sorry, but you're not really my type .
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight
Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.

[bluesheepbrian]

Bubba and the Blonde


Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A blond lady walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we
don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid
the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a
measurement & announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.

Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb
blond? We ask for the height, and she gives us the length.

Bubba and Junior are currently doing government work supervising the
reconstruction of those New Orleans Levees.

[bluesheepbrian]

DAMN MEN


1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)

(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know.....it never happened)

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)


If you haven't got a smile on your face and
laughter in your heart......Then you are just a sour old fart.

[bluesheepbrian]

Court Case
Posted By PHILLIP BOWLES on 9/22/2006 at 8:30 AM

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659---CASE OF THE
PREGNANT LADY

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She
noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She
immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile
turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed
more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst
out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had
the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man
(about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this.
When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but
notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that
said, 'The Double Mint Twins are Coming' and I
grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that
said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling', and
I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a
deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the
Trick", and I could hardly contain myself. BUT, your
Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a
sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented
this Accident', I just lost it."

"CASE DISMISSED!!"

[MMamdouh]

Court Case
Posted By PHILLIP BOWLES on 9/22/2006 at 8:30 AM

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659---CASE OF THE
PREGNANT LADY

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She
noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She
immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile
turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed
more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst
out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had
the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man
(about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this.
When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but
notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that
said, 'The Double Mint Twins are Coming' and I
grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that
said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling', and
I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a
deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the
Trick", and I could hardly contain myself. BUT, your
Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a
sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented
this Accident', I just lost it."

"CASE DISMISSED!!"

very very nice one... it will be miles better if someone actually made 4 paintings for the pregnant lady sitting under each sign.

MMamdouh

[lanos2001]

WORDS WOMEN USE

FINE

This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

FIVE MINUTES

If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

NOTHING

This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"

GO AHEAD


This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.

LOUD SIGH

This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

THAT'S OKAY

This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

THANKS

A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.

WHATEVER

It's a woman's way of saying *!#@ YOU!

Send this to the men you know to warn them about future arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology!


And send it to your women friends to give them a good laugh!

[lanowoo]

hey you forgot one,

MAYBE
means that whatever you are wanting you will not get.

[bluesheepbrian]

THE 6 BEST SMART ASS ANSWERS OF 2006



SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
"What are my choices?" John asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A f light attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSW ER # 2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that
reads, " Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.
Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."





SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

[bluesheepbrian]

>
> The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington
> chemistry mid-term.
>
> The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it
> with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have
> the pleasure of enjoying it as well :
>
> Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
> (absorbs heat)?
>
> Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
> (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some
> variant.
>
> One student, however, wrote the following:
>
> First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we
> need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate
> at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a
> soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
> As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
> religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state
> that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
> Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not
> belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to
> Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number
> of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of
> change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order
> for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of
> Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
>
> This gives two possibilities:
>
> 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
> enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
> until all Hell breaks loose.
>
> 2 If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
> Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes
> over.
>
> So which is it?
>
> If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year
> that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take
> into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two
> must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already
> frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen
> over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is
> therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the
> existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept
> shouting "Oh my God."
>
> THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

[bluesheepbrian]

TRUE SOUTH CAROLINA GHOST STORY
>
> This happened about a month ago just outside a little
> town in the low country of South Carolina, and while
> it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real. A
> guy was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a
> really dark night in the middle of a thunder storm.
>
> Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was
> raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front
> of his face. Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly,
> approaching and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It
> slowly crept toward him and stopped.
>
> Wanting a ride really bad, the guy jumped in the car
> and closed the door, only then did he realize that
> there was nobody behind the wheel. The car slowly
> started moving and the guy was terrified, too scared
> to think of jumping out and running.
>
> The guy saw that the car was slowly approaching a
> sharp curve, still too scared to jump out, he started
> to pray and begging for his life; he was sure the
> ghost car would go off the road and in the marsh and
> he would surely drown, when just before the curve, a
> hand appeared through the driver's window and turned
> the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the
> bend.
>
> Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear
> every time they reached a curve. Finally the guy,
> scared to near death, had all he could take and jumped
> out of the car and ran to town.
>
> Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice
> quavering, ordered two shots of whiskey, then told
> everybody about his supernatural experience.
>
> A silence enveloped and everybody got goose bumps when
> they realized the guy was telling the truth and was
> not just some drunk.
>
> About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar
> and one says to the other: "Look Bubba, there's that
> idiot who rode in our car when we were pushing it in
> the rain."

[bluesheepbrian]

>>>-The Boss Had to Fire Somebody
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.
>>>
>>>
>>> It was an impossible decision, they were both super workers.
>>>
>>>
>>> Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who
>>> used
>>> the
>>> water cooler the next morning.
>>> Debra came in the next morning with a horrible
>>> hang-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an
>>> aspirin.
>>> The Boss approached her and said:
>>>
>>>
>>> "Debra, I've never done this before but I have to lay you or Jack off."
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> "Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like shit."
>>>

[lanowoo]

sorry its been a long time since i posted in here but here your long awaited jokes, enjoy :

A young man walked up and sat down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquired. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man.

"6 shots?? Are you celebrating something?" Yeah, my first blowjob," the man answered. "Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."

"No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An elderly woman walked into a doctor's office and told the doctor that she and her husband had not been intimate in years. She said that her husband seemed to have a lack of desire. After listening to the woman for a while, the doctor said, "I have just thething. Have your husband take two of these pills right before dinner...."

The next morning, the woman stormed into the doctor's office and exclaimed, "You have to change my husband's prescription!! It is much too strong!! I gave him the pills before dinner, just like you told me, and halfway through dinner they took effect. He got a wild look in his eyes, then pulled the tablecloth off the table breaking all of the dishes!! Then he threw me onto the table, and we made love right there!!

"I feel awful," said the doctor. "Let me at least pay for all of the broken dishes."

"Don't worry about it," replied the woman, "we just won't eat at that restaurant any more!!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sam has been in the mental health business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible.

Sam sees the postman once a week and gets his groceries once a month. Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on the door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded Vermonter standing there.

"Name's Enoch...... your neighbor from four miles over the ridge.....having a party Saturday.....thought you'd like to come."

"Great," says Sam, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you." As Enoch is leaving, he stops,

"gotta warn you, there's gonna be some drinkin."

"Not a problem....after 25 years in the mental health business, I can drink with the best of them." Again, as he starts to leave, Enoch stops.

"More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin, too." Damn, Sam thinks....tough crowd.

"Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again." Once again, Enoch turns from the door.

"I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."

"Now that's not a problem" says Sam, "Remember, I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely be there.....by the way, what should I wear to the party?"

Enoch stops at the door again and says, "Whatever you want, it's just gonna be the two of us."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There were these two guys who had gone to the same college and become great friends. During college, they had a great time. Anything that was going on, they were always right in the middle of it. When they graduated, however, they each went their own separate way. Two or three years later, they ran into one another on the street. They were very happy to see each other, and, during the conversation, one of them asked the other what he was doing for work.

"I'm an undertaker", responded the friend.

"That doesn't sound like you. During college, you were always the one looking for excitement."

"There is plenty of excitement in this racket," explained the friend.

"Just the other day, I got a call to pick up this stiff in a hotel room. When I entered the room, he was laying there on the bed, stark naked, with a huge erection. I didn't want to take him out like that, so I took a hanger from the closet, and gave it a good swat.....You want to talk about excitement, I was in the wrong room!!!"

[lanowoo]

One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about."

"Okay, first: it's round, plump and red." Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple."

"No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking. Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish. Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?"

"No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard." By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says.

"No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking."

Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it got a head on it."

"Johnny!" she cries."That's disgusting!"

"Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!

[lanowoo]

# Cars

* ACURA - Always Catching Up, Rarely Ahead
* AUDI - Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
* BMW - Bavarian Money Waster
* CHEVROLET - Can Hear Every Valve Rattle On Long Extended Trips
* DODGE - Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere
* FIAT - Fix It Again, Tony
* FORD - Fixed Or Repaired Daily; (Backwards) Driver Returns On Foot
* GMC - Got a Mechanic Coming?
* HONDA - Honest, Officer, Nobody Drank Anything; Had One, Never Did Again
* HYUNDAI - Hope You Understand Nothing's Drivable And Inexpensive
* JEEP - Journey Eventually Ends Perpendicularly
* KIA - Korea's Incompetence Amazing
* MAZDA - Mismanages A Zillion Dollars Annually
* MITSUBISHI - Management Incessantly Tolerates Socially Unacceptable Behavior, Ignoring Sexual Harassment Incidents
* LAND ROVER - Loud, Agonizing, Noisy Drive - Rattles On Virtually Every Road
* PLYMOUTH - Please Leave Your Money Out Under The Hood
* PORSCHE - Pity Only Rich Suckers Can Have +Em
* SAAB - Send Another Automobile Back; Swedish Autos Always Breakdown
* SATURN - Stickers Are Truly Unnegotiable, Rebates Nonexistent
* TOYOTA - Too Often Yankees Overprice This Automobile
* VW - Virtually Worthless
* VOLVO - Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object

[lanos2001]

100 facts about chuck norris and vin diesel

chuck norris
http://4q.cc/index.php?pid=top100&person=chuck

vin diesel
http://4q.cc/index.php?pid=top100&person=vin

theres one for MR T too but its not that funny. i think you can find it on the site anyways. these are very hilarious.


nick