Just a few laughs!

[john_trickle]

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug
store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It
only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store.
Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various
lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he
began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine
samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store,
located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the
following message:

"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put
her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop
jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."

[john_trickle]

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a
new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10%
for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor
progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the
machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try
for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably,
the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.
She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.

[john_trickle]

A man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. Hearing the scream, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

"Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow

[john_trickle]

My husband and I are both in an Internet business, but he's the one who truly lives, eat, and breathes computers.

I finally realized how bad it had gotten when I was scratching his back one day.

"No, not there," he directed. "Scroll down..."

[john_trickle]

Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel director's office.

"What is the meaning of this?" the director asked. "When you applied for this job, you told us you had five years experience. Now we discovered this is the first job you've ever held."

"Well," the young man replied, "in your advertisement you said you wanted somebody with imagination."

[bluesheepbrian]

In Honour of Stupid People . . .
>> In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through
>> stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer
>> goods.......
>>
>> On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside
>> down."
>> (well...duh, a bit late, huh!)
>>
>> ==========================
>>
>>
>> On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
>> (talk about a news flash)
>>
>> ===========================
>>
>> On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate
>> machinery after taking this medication."
>> (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we
>> could
>> just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)
>>
>> ==========================
>>
>>
>> On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
>> (...and you thought????...)
>>
>> =======================
>>
>>
>> On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
>> (That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
>>
>> ====================================
>>
>>
>> On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
>> Details
>> inside.
>> (the shoplifter special?) ===========================
>>
>>
>> On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."
>> (and that would be???....) ============================
>>
>>
>>
>> On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
>> (but, it's just a suggestion.)
>>
>> ========================
>>
>>
>> On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
>> (but wouldn't this save me time?)
>>
>> ==============================
>>
>> On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
>> (..I'm taking this because???....)
>>
>> ==============================
>>
>>
>> On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
>> (as opposed to what?)
>>
>> ==========================
>>
>> On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
>> (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
>>
>> ==============================
>>
>>
>> On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat
>> nuts."
>> (Step 3: say what?)
>>
>> ===========================
>>
>> On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable
>> you to fly."
>> (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
>>
>> ========================
>>
>> On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or
>> genitals."
>> (Oh my word..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
>>

[bluesheepbrian]

>>> > I think the life cycle is all backwards.
>>> >
>>> >You should start out dead and get it out of the way.
>>> >
>>> >Then, you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.
>>> >
>>> >You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect your pension,
>>> then
>>> >when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
>>> >
>>> >You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your
>>> >retirement.
>>> >
>>> >You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and you
>>> get
>>> >ready for High School.
>>> >
>>> >You go to primary school, you become a kid , you play, you have no
>>> >responsibilities, you become a baby, and then...
>>> >
>>> >You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in
>>> spa-like
>>> >conditions; central heating, room service on tap, larger quarters
>>> >every day, and then, you finish off as an orgasm.
>>> >
>>> >I rest my case.

[john_trickle]

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet.

One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.

Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?"

"Yes it is," the man replies.

"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.

"No thanks," the man replies.

"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues.

"OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he was in.

"Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies.

"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats. "That's awful expensive", but because of the position he was in, agreed to the price.

The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.

"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.

"Yes it is," replies the man.

"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.

"OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his dis-advantage.

"Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed.

The next weekend, the little boy's father says, "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."

"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.

"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.

"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.

"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness,"
the father explains as he hauls the child away.

At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?"

"Don't you start that crap in here," the priest says.

[john_trickle]

Finally, a definition of Marketing that makes sense....

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition.

[john_trickle]

Bob calls in to his job:
"Hey, boss I'm not coming to work today. I'm really sick. I got a headache, stomach ache, and my legs hurt, so I'm not coming into work."

The boss says:
"You know Bob, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife, and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better, and I can go to work. You should try that."

2 hours later Bob calls:
"Boss, I did what you said, and I feel great! I'll be at work soon. By the way, you got nice house."

[bluesheepbrian]

Just a little humor to help ease the pain of your next trip to the pump...

Compare with Gasoline......


Think a gallon of gas is expensive?

This makes one think, and also puts things in perspective. </>

Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29 ........ $10.32 per gallon
Lipton Ice Tea16 oz $1.19 ...........$9.52 per gallon
Gatorade 20 oz $1.59 ................ $10.17 per gallon
Ocean Spray 16 oz $1.25 .......... $10.00 per gallon
Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15 ............ $33.60 per gallon
Vick's Nyquil 6 oz $8.35 .......... $178.13 per gallon!
Pepto Bismol 4 oz $3.85 ........... $123.20 per gallon
Whiteout 7 oz $1.39 ................. . $25.42 per gallon
Scope 1.5 oz $0.99......................$84.48 per gallon
And ....
Evian water 9 oz $1.49.................$21.19 per gallon--for WATER--and the buyers don't even know the source. (Evian spelled backwards is Naive.)

So, the next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on water, Scope, or Whiteout, or Pepto Bismol or Nyquil.

[bluesheepbrian]

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth.
I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?" The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years.. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."


The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, romantic, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is good in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for...a good man."



The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the damn map again."

[MMamdouh]

A chinees couple gave birth to a black baby... they named it Sum Sing Wong

MMamdouh

[MMamdouh]

any body got a 710 cap??

http://www.megaupload.com/?d=AVMQGGQK

MMamdouh

[bluesheepbrian]

A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage in
> our country.
>
>
>
> Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting
> low???
>
>
>
> The reason for this is purely geographical. Our oil is located in
> Alaska, California, Coastal Florida, Coastal Louisiana, Coastal South
> Carolina, Coastal Georgia, North Carolina, Kansas, Oklahoma,
> Pennsylvania, and Texas.
>
>
>
> Our DIPSTICKS are located in Washington, D.C.
>