Just a few laughs!

[bluesheepbrian]

I came across this exercise suggested for seniors to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders. It seems so easy, so I thought I'd pass it on.

The article suggested doing it three days a week. Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks.
Then 50-lb. potato sacks, and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.

[john_trickle]

Give me a pack of condoms.
- What size?
- I do not know...
- Well, take this board with holes, and go to the toilet and measure.
In 10 minutes the man comes back:
- I have changed my mind, I don't need the condoms. How much is this board?

[john_trickle]

A female doctor can't fall asleep. the conscience and mind are discussing in
her.
the conscience:
- how can you sleep after you were unfaithful to your husband!
the mind:
- it depends on husbands! if your husband is always busy, he has no time for
sex; even the holy wife will be unfaithful. you were right, my dear... hush and
sleep...
the conscience:
- adultery differs! f****** with a patient is unprofessional!
the mind:
- yes, but remember mary from the near by hospital. she always has sex with
her patients - everybody is satisfied and pleased.
the conscience becomes silent. the woman falls asleep... and suddenly the
conscience starts again with sarcastic whisper:
- yes, but mary is not a veterinary...

[john_trickle]

This butcher lived in an apartment over his shop. One night he was awakened by
strange noises coming from below, so he tiptoed downstairs and saw his
19-year-old daughter sitting on the chopping block and masturbating with a
liverwurst. The butcher sighed and tiptoed back to bed.
The next morning, when a customer walked in and asked for some liverwurst, the
butcher said that he didn't have any left. The customer was really annoyed; she
pointed to the corner of the shop and asked, "No liverwurst? Well, what's that
hanging on the hook right over there?"
The butcher frowned at her. "That", he replied, "is my son-in-law."

[bluesheepbrian]

UNBELIEVABLE MATH PROBLEM

Here is a math trick that will stump you. Personally I would like to know who came up with this and why that person is not running the country.

1. Grab a calculator. (You won't be able to do this one in your head.)
2. Key in the first three digits of your phone number (NOT the area code).
3. Multiply by 80
4. Add 1
5. Multiply by 250
6. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number
7. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number again.
8. Subtract 250
9. Divide number by 2

Do you recognize the answer?

[bluesheepbrian]

>>>All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who
>>>was
>>>the one in charge.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>"I should be in charge," said the brain , "Because I run all the body's
>>>systems, so without me nothing would
>>>
>>> happen."
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>"I should be in charge," said the blood , "Because I circulate oxygen
>>>all
>>>over so without me you'd all waste away."
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and
>>>give all of you energy."
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body
>>>wherever it needs to go."
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to
>>>see
>>>where it goes."
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> "I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible
>>> for
>>>waste removal."
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>All the other body parts laughed at the rectum And insulted him, so in
>>>a
>>>huff, he shut down tight.
>>>
>>>Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was
>>>bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and theblood Was
>>>toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss
>>>
>>>.
>>>
>>>The Moral of the story?
>>>
>>>The asshole is usually in charge

[john_trickle]

A man walked out into the street and managed to get a
taxi just going by. What luck, he thought, as he slid
into the cab.

"Perfect timing," the cabby said. "You're just like Bill."

"Who?"

"Bill Smith. There's a guy who did everything right,"
the cabby said. "Like my coming along when you needed a
cab. It would have happened like that to Bill every time."

"Nah," the man said to the cabby. "There are always a
few clouds over everybody."

"Not Bill," said the cabby. "He was a terrific athlete.
He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could
golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and
danced like a Broadway star."

"Bill was really something, huh?"

"Oh, yeah," continued the cabby. "Bill had a memory like
a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all
about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything.
Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood
blacks out."

"No wonder you remember him," the man said.

"Well, I never actually met Bill," said the cabby.

"Then how in the world do you know so much about him?"

"I married his widow," replied the cabby.

[john_trickle]

Sister Margaret was a model nun all of her life, until she was called to get
her just rewards. As she approached the pearly gates, Saint Peter said "Hold on,
Sister Margaret...not so fast!"
"But I have been good all my life and dedicated to the work of the Lord. From
the time the sisters at the convent took me in as an infant to my dying
breath... I have lived for this moment!" Sister Margaret exclaimed in disbelief.

"That is precisely the problem," replied St. Peter, "...you never learned
right from wrong and to get into heaven, you must know the difference between
right and wrong".
"Well, what can I do? I will do anything to get into heaven!" Sister Margaret
pleaded.
"I am going to have to send you back down to Earth. When you get there, I want
you to smoke a cigarette and call me when you are finished. We will discuss your
situation then." ordered St. Peter.
Sister Margaret returned to Earth, smoked a Camel, and then immediately called
St. Peter, coughing and hacking. "Saint Peter" she gasped, "I can hardly
breathe, my mouth tastes terrible, my breath stinks, I feel dizzy, and I think I
am going to throw up".
"Good!" replied the old saint, "Now you are finally getting a feel for right
and wrong. Now go out tonight and drink some hard liquor and call me back when
you are ready."
Sister Margaret phoned St. Peter immediately after taking several belts of
Jack Daniels.
"Saint Peter, I feel woozy... that vile liquid burned my throat and nauseated
me...it is all I can do to keep it down."
"Good...good! Now you are starting to see the difference between right and
wrong," said St. Peter with delight.
"Tomorrow I want you to seek out a man and know him in the Biblical sense, and
then call me."
A week passed before Sister Margaret called St. Peter and left a message: "Yo,
Pete...it's Peggy...It's gonna be a while!"

[john_trickle]

Auntie Maud bought herself a new rear-engine European car. She took an old
friend for a drive, but after only half a mile the car broke down. Both women
got out and opened up the front of the car.
"Oh. Maud," said her friend, "you've lost your engine!"
"Never mind, dear”, said auntie. "I've got a spare one in the trunk."

[john_trickle]

What's your father's occupation?" asked the school secretary on the first day
of the new term. "He's a conjurer, Ma'am," said the new boy. "How interesting.
What's his favorite trick?" "He saws people in half." "Golly! Now next question.
Any brothers and sisters?" "One half brother and two half sisters."

[john_trickle]

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned
about all his employees' well being, asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?"

To which the blonde replies.....” Early this morning I got a phone call saying
that my mother had passed away."
The boss, feeling very sorry at this point, explains to the young girl. "Why
don't you go home for the day.....we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off
to relax and rest."
The blonde very calmly states......"No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep
my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."
The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual, saying "If you need
anything, just let me know."
Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks
out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying!! He rushes out to
her, asking, "Are you gonna be ok??"
"No," exclaims the blonde. "I just got a call from my sister. She told me that
HER mom died too!!"

[bluesheepbrian]

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of their first stops was the breeding bull exhibit. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year."
The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "See ... He mated 50 times last year - once-a-week."
They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year."
The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."
They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year."
The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said, that's once-a-DAY. You could REALLY learn something from this one."
The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow."

NOTE: The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and the doctors say after months of rehab and a couple more surgeries he will likely be okay.

[bluesheepbrian]

Towards the end of his golf round, Dave hit his ball into the woods
>> and
>> found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.
>>
>> Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about
>> every buttercup in the patch.
>> All of a sudden ... POOF!!
>>
>> In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.
>> She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to
>> make those buttercups?
>> Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for
>> your popcorn for the rest of your life. Better still, you won't have
>> any
>> butter for your toast for the rest of your life. As a matter of fact,
>>you'll
>> never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!!!!!
>> Then POOF... she was gone!
>>
>> After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend,
>> "Fred, where are you?"
>> Fred yells back "I'm over here in the pussy willows."
>>
>> Dave shouts back, "DON'T SWING, Fred; FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING"
>>

[bluesheepbrian]

CHINESE PROVERBS

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who run in front of car get tired.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

[bluesheepbrian]

>>>HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."
>>>
>>>2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."
>>>
>>>3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
>>>
>>>4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE
>>>INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
>>>
>>>5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."
>>>
>>>6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."
>>>
>>>7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY
>>>INCONVENIENCED
>>>
>>>
>>>8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."
>>>
>>>9 She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
>>>
>>>10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."
>>>
>>>11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY
>>>SUPERIOR."
>>>
>>>
>>>12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN
>>>STORAGE
>>>FACILITY."
>>>
>>>2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
>>>
>>>3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE
>>>DESTINATIONS."
>>>
>>>4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."
>>>
>>>5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL
>>>RELATIONSHIPS."
>>>
>>>6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY
>>>HORIZONTAL."
>>>
>>>7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of
>>>RECTAL-CRANIAL
>>>INVERSION."
>>>
>>>8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."
>>>
>>>9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."
>>>
>>>10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."
>>>
>>>11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR
>>>CLEAVAGE."