Just a few laughs!

bluesheepbrian · Post by **bluesheepbrian** » Tue Jul 25, 2006 10:35 pm

There was an old asian couple having sex. The husband wanted to add a little excitement. So he said he wanted to try 69. She replies "You want chicken and fried rice now?!"

bluesheepbrian · Post by **bluesheepbrian** » Tue Jul 25, 2006 10:48 pm

Superman was flying around Metropolis on beautiful, hot and sunny day.
When he flies by, and sees Wonder Women on one of the rooftops sunbathing in the nude.
Superman thinking to himself, "I am Superman, i am faster than a speeding bullet. I can go down there
have a nice quick piece of ass before Wonder Women even realizes what happened."
So Superman goes down, bang, done and was gone.
Wonder Women quickly replies, "what the f@#% was that!?"
Then The Invisible Man comments, "I don't know, but my ass sure hurts."

bluesheepbrian · Post by **bluesheepbrian** » Tue Jul 25, 2006 11:03 pm

Why men are attracted to dodge trucks.......

http://thumbp1.mail.re2.yahoo.com/tn?si ... &fid=Inbox

bluesheepbrian · Post by **bluesheepbrian** » Tue Jul 25, 2006 11:05 pm

To all the 'grands' and potential 'grands' out there!

Little League

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"

The little boy nodded 'yes.'

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?"

Again the little boy nodded.

He continued, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach a "dumb asshole" is it?"

Again the little boy nodded.

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother."

bluesheepbrian · Post by **bluesheepbrian** » Tue Jul 25, 2006 11:15 pm

A couple had only been married for two weeks.
The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with
his old buddies.
So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
"Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer."
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?"
She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer,
brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and he could only think
of one thing to say. "Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar... you
know... they have frozen glasses..."
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying,
"You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?"
She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so
frozen the she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have
those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll
be right back. I promise. OK?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?"
She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors
d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps and pork strips.
"But my sweet honey... at the bar.... you know. There's swearing,
dirty words and all that... "You want dirty words, Cutie Pie?

LISTEN UP CHICKENSHIT!
SIT YOUR ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR
BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR
MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR! THAT SHIT IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?"

And, they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story?

bluesheepbrian · Post by **bluesheepbrian** » Tue Jul 25, 2006 11:16 pm

>>Can people really be this stupid?
>>
>>1. Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that I could have
>>an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen
>>nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the
>>counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was
>>the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?"
>>"That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
>>
>>2. I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the
>>lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one
>>of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it
>>between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned
>>all of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the
>>bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me,
>>"Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I
>>don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the
>>things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.
>>
>>3. A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and
>>pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she
>>said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit
>>card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."
>>
>>4. I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you
>>need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the
>>battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you
>>think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery
>>to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No,
>>just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.
>>As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't
>>you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."
>>
>>5. Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she
>>was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing
>>paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told
>>her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper,
>>put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
>>
>>6. I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was
>>towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair
>>and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked
>>the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the
>>"cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.
>>
>>7. My neighbour works in the operations department in the central office
>>of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems
>>with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the
>>branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back
>>of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
>>
>>8. Police in Radnor, PA, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal
>>colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine.
>>The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the
>>copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth.
>>Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
>>
>>9. A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to
>>take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The
>>dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and should be fine, the
>>mother says, I just gave him some ant killer..... Dispatcher: Rush him in
>>to emergency.
>
>

bluesheepbrian · Post by **bluesheepbrian** » Tue Jul 25, 2006 11:18 pm

Three guys -- a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden, and an American

engineer are working together one day. They come across a lantern

and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you one wish, which is

three wishes total," says the Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son

will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."

Pooooof! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was

forever made fertile for farming.

Osama bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around

Afghanistan, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can

come into our precious state." Pooooof! Again, with the blink of the

Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The American engineer says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more

about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's 5000 feet high, 500

feet thick and completely surrounds the countries. Nothing can get

in or out. It's virtually impenetrable."

The American engineer says, "Fill it with water."

bluesheepbrian · Post by **bluesheepbrian** » Tue Jul 25, 2006 11:19 pm

>> Voted best Irish joke of 2005!
>>
>> John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest
> of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
>>
>> That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
>>
>> He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best
> toast of the night"
>> She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
>> John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church
> beside me wife."
>>
>> "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
>> The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the
> street corner.
>> The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other
> night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
>>
>> She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You
> know, he's only been there twice in the last four years.
>> Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears
> to make him come."
>>

bluesheepbrian · Post by **bluesheepbrian** » Tue Jul 25, 2006 11:20 pm

A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

Dear Ricky,

I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.

Love, Becky

The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty girls he had collected from his buddies.

There were 57 photos in that envelope....along with this note:

Dear Becky,

I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.

Take Care, Ricky

bluesheepbrian · Post by **bluesheepbrian** » Tue Jul 25, 2006 11:21 pm

>>> Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after
>> their
>>>bomb making class, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in
>>
>> his
>>>butt.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> If you do not mind me saying," said the second, "that cork looks
>> very
>>>uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?"
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> I regret I cannot", lamented the first Arab.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> "It is permanently stuck in my butt."
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> "I do not understand," said the other.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> The first Arab says, "I was walking along the beach
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke,
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> and then a huge old man in an American flag attire with a white
>> beard
>>>and top hat came boiling out. He said,
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> "I am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish."
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> I said, "No shit?"
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> God Bless America

bluesheepbrian · Post by **bluesheepbrian** » Tue Jul 25, 2006 11:22 pm

Gravity-Defying Tequila
A guy is sitting at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above
the city. He's slamming tequila left and right. He grabs one,
drinks it, goes over to a window and jumps out.
The guy sitting next to him can't believe he has just done that.
He's more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy, unscathed,
comes walking back into the bar and sits back down next to him.
The astonished guy asks, "How did you do that? I just saw you
jump out that window and we're hundreds of feet above the GROUND!"
The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either.
I slam a shot of tequila and when I jump out the window, the
tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch."
He takes a shot, slams it down, goes to the window and jumps out.
The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls
until right before the ground, slows down and lands softly on
his feet. A few minutes later, the guy walks back into the bar.
The other guy has to try it too, so he orders a shot of tequila.
He drinks it and goes to the window and jumps. As he reaches the
bottom, he doesn't slow down at all... SPLAT!
The first guy orders another shot of tequila and the bartender
says to him, "You're really an a*shole when you're drunk,
Superman.

bluesheepbrian · Post by **bluesheepbrian** » Tue Jul 25, 2006 11:23 pm

Harold is 92 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after
dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Center to sit, smoke a
cigar, listen to music, ponder his accomplishments and reflect on his long
life.

One evening, Mildred, age 86, wanders into the garden. They begin
to chat, and before they know it, several hours had passed. After a short
lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred asks, "Do you know what
I miss most of all?"

She asks, "What?"

"SEX!!" he replies.

Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I
held a gun to your head!"
"I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just
hold it for a while."

"Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers,
removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet
secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred
would hold Harold's manhood.

Then, one night, Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting
place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was OK. She
walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the
pool with another female resident, Ethel, who was holding Harold's manhood!

Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing creep! ----- What does
Ethel have that I don't have?"

Old Harold smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's".

bluesheepbrian · Post by **bluesheepbrian** » Tue Jul 25, 2006 11:25 pm

You can't read this and stay in a bad mood!

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path.

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's.

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick.

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.

9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko.

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.

13.. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

22. How Is a Texas Tornado And a Alabama Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer!

Now, admit it. At least one of these made you smile!

bluesheepbrian · Post by **bluesheepbrian** » Tue Jul 25, 2006 11:27 pm

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly
jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him.
She swam to the bottom, pulled Jim out and brought him to his room.

When the hospital director became aware of Edna's heroic act,
she immediately ordered that Edna be discharged from the hospital because she
now considered Edna to be mentally stable.

She went to Edna and said, "I have some good news and some bad news.
The good news is that you're being discharged because you responded
so rationally to a crisis. By jumping in the pool to save the
life of another patient, you displayed sound mindedness.

The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in
his bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him.
I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry.

How soon can I go home?"

bluesheepbrian · Post by **bluesheepbrian** » Tue Jul 25, 2006 11:29 pm

A rather well-proportioned woman, planned to spend almost all of her
vacation sunbathing.

She found the ideal spot on the roof of her hotel. It was deserted
and secluded, with a smooth, raised "deck" which received the sun
all day long.

She wore a bathing suit on the first day, but on the second, she
decided that since no one could see her way up there, she would slip
out of it and get rid of the tan lines on her back.

She'd been lying there on her stomach for a little while when she
heard someone running up the stairs toward the roof.

Startled, she didn't have time to pull on her suit, and since she
was lying on her stomach, she just pulled a towel over her rear.

"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the
hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs.

"The Hilton doesn't mind you sunbathing up here, but we would very
much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit, as you did yesterday."

"YESTERDAY!" she exclaimed, rather irritated..."Have you been
following me around? And besides, what difference does it make
ANYWAY, since no one except a nosy assistant manager can see me? I'm
on the top floor and I'm covered with a towel."

"Well, that would be true," said the embarrassed little man, "except
for the fact that you're lying on the dining room skylight."