Just a few laughs!

[john_trickle]

A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll
have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber began to lather his face and sharpen
the old straight edge while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful
breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.
The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a
hotel room."

She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that.

The cowboy said, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the
difference."
She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."

[daewoomofo]

they once made Chuck Norris toilet paper, but there was a problem.... it wouldnt take shit from anyone!

[john_trickle]

A guy has a bad habit: He loves to hit pedestrians while he drives. So one day
he's driving and sees an old lady with a cane and he decides to control his urge
to swerve and hit her -- but he can't. Later, he sees a kid skating and can't
resist hitting the kid. Finally, he decides he needs help from above so he goes
to a church and asks the pastor for help. So after church, the pastor invites
him to his house for lunch. They get in the car and start to drive down the
street, and just as he starts to tell the pastor about his problem, he sees an
old blind man walking down the street. He swerves toward him but misses, and the
pastor says, ‘‘don’t worry. I got him with the door!''

[john_trickle]

Little DJ has his first day at school. His Mom was real worried, and when she
picked him up from school at the end of the day, she anxiously asked him how his
day went. 'Well, I came top of the class in Math, I made a touchdown in
football, and I had sex with the teacher.' 'What! How dare you! Get into your
room and wait till your father gets home!' Little DJ goes to his room, and when
his father comes home, DJ's mom tells his father, 'I'm absolutely disgusted with
DJ. He said he came top of the class in Math, made a touchdown in football, and
had sex with the teacher!' 'That's my boy' thinks his Dad. So he goes upstairs
to talk to DJ. 'Don't worry about your Mom. She's a bit upset, but it sounds to
me like you had an awesome day at school. In fact, I'm so pleased, you know that
bicycle I said I was going to buy you for Christmas, I think I'll get it for you
this weekend.' 'Oh no, Dad, don't. I don't think I'll be able to sit down for a
while.'

[john_trickle]

It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Good bar.

I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and
Fifth Avenue when I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, “Hey Sweetheart, how'd
you like to Crunch on my big hunk for a Million Dollar Bar?”

Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll, and it was like pure
Almond Joy!

I couldn't help but grab her delicious Mounds because it was easy to see that
this little Twix had the Red Hoots.

It was all I could do to hold the Snickers and Crackle as my Butterfinger went
up her tight little Kit Kat and she started to scream “Oh Henry, Oh Henry!”

Soon she was fondling my Peter Pan and ZagNut and I knew it wouldn't be long
before I blew my Milk Duds clear to Mars that gave her a taste of the old Milky
Way.

She asked me if I was into M&M, but I said, “Hey Chick let, no kinky stuff.” I
said, “Look you little Reese's Pieces, don't be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why
don't you take my Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit 'O' Honey?”

(What a piece of Juicy Fruit she was, too!)

She screamed, “Oh Crackerjack, better than the Three Musketeers!” as I rammed
my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup.

Well, I was giving it to her Good 'N' Plenty, when all the sudden... my
Starburst!

Yeah, as luck would have it, she started to grow Chunky and
complained of a Wrigley in her stomach.

Sure enough, nine months later, out popped? Baby Ruth!

[john_trickle]

This is a true story from the WordPerfect help line. Needless to say, the help
desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect
organization for "Termination without Cause."

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee with a
caller:
"Ridge Hall computer assistant; May I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor, I told you, and it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a
little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, and then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord
goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the
wall."
"...Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables
plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other
cable."
"...Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your
computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from
the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power... A power outage? Ah, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still
have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was
when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

[john_trickle]

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young
engineer fresh out of MIT what kind of a salary he was looking for.

"In the neighborhood of $140,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

"Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays,
full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and
a company car leased every 2 years...say, a red Corvette?"

"Wow! Are you kidding?"

"Yeah, but you started it."

[john_trickle]

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon place for their 25th anniversary.
as the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked
the husband: "when you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going
through your mind?"
the husband replied: "all i wanted to do was to f*** your brains out, and suck
your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked: "what are you thinking now?"
he replied: "it looks like i did a pretty good job."

[john_trickle]

There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy
costume party... Then he had a bright idea.
When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt
and no socks on.
"What the hell are you supposed to be?" asked the host.
"A premature ejaculation," said the man. "I just came in my pants!"

[john_trickle]

A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium
when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. "Damn, that was stupid,"
she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."
As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his
arms.
While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?"
"No!" she shrieked, aghast.
So, he dropped her.
As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you
screw?" he asked.
"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself.
He dropped her, too.
The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she
was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she
screamed in panic.
"Slut!" he said, and dropped her.

[lanos2001]

what does it mean when you find bones on the moon?




































the cow didn't make it. lol


nick

[john_trickle]

John woke up one morning immensely aroused so he turned over to his wife's
side of the bed. His wife, Heather, had already awakened though, and she was
downstairs preparing breakfast in the kitchen. Afraid that he might spoil things
by getting up, John called his little boy into the room and asked him to 'Bring
this note to your beautiful Mummy.' The note read:

The Tent Pole Is Up,
The Canvas Is Spread,
The Hell With Breakfast,
Come Back To Bed.

Heather, grinning, answered the note and then asked her son to 'Bring this to
your silly Daddy.' The note read:

Take The Tent Pole Down,
Put The Canvas Away,
The Monkey Had A Hemorrhage,
No Circus Today.

John read the note and quickly scribbled a reply. Then, he asked his son to
take it back to 'The lady in the kitchen'. The note read:

The Tent Pole's Still Up,
And The Canvas Still Spread,
So Drop What You're Doing,
And Come Give Me Some Head.

Laughing, Heather answered the note and then asked her son to 'Take this to
the poor man upstairs'. The note read:

I'm Sure That Your Pole's
The Best In The Land.
But I'm Busy Right Now,
So Do It By Hand!

[john_trickle]

Two 90 year olds had been dating for a while, when the man told the woman,
"Well, tonight's the night we have sex!"
And so they did.
As they are lying in bed afterward, the man thinks to himself, "My God, if I
knew she was a virgin, I would have been much more gentle with her!"
And the woman was thinking to herself, "My God, if I knew the old geezer could
actually get it up, I would have taken off my panty hose!"

[john_trickle]

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is
also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a
dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from
there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks
up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to
him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.

"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have -- meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook
happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened.

The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly
brings him a menu again.

"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."

The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.

After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll
take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."

Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing
around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man
comes in he's going to test him.

The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming
and runs to the kitchen.

He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take
it to the blind man."

Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in
and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.

"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have
the fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says,
"Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here..."

[john_trickle]

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that
they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights
because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of
fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.

"Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance,
at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast
one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast
one time."

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great
idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one
time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis 50 times."