Just a few laughs!

[john_trickle]

A little girl says, "Daddy, I wish I had a little sister."

Trying to be funny, the daddy says, "Honey, you do have a sister. You just don't see her because when you are coming in the front door, she is always leaving through the back door."

The little girl thought about this and remarked,
"You mean like my other Daddy does?"

[john_trickle]

A doctor says to his patient, 'I have some bad news and worse news'.

'Oh dear, what's the bad news?' asks the patient.

The doctor replies, 'You only have 24 hours to live'.

'That's terrible', said the patient. 'How can the news possibly be worse?'

The doctor replies, 'I've been trying to contact you since yesterday'.

[john_trickle]

A woman sat down on a park bench, glanced around and decided to stretch out her legs on the seat and relax. After a while a dirty old beggar came up to her and said, "Mornin luv, how's about us going for a wee walk together now?"

"How dare you," yelped the woman, "what the hell do you think I am, some sort of cheap pickup?"

"Well then," said the beggar, "what are you doing in my bed?"

[john_trickle]

Mickey and Minnie Mouse were at court for divorce proceedings. The judge told Mickey, "Look here Mickey Mouse, I can't grant you a divorce from Minnie!"

Mickey Mouse was stunned and asked, "Why not???"

The Judge said, "I've reviewed all the information you gave to the court, but I can't find any evidence at all to support the grounds that she is crazy!"

Mickey Mouse says, "Your Honour! I didn't say she was CRAZY, I said she was f**ing Goofy!"

[john_trickle]

One day, an immigrant from Poland entered a New York Police Precinct to report that his new American wife was planning to kill him.

The Copper on duty was intrigued by this and asked, "How sure are you that she is gonna kill you? I mean, did she threaten to kill you?"

"Nope," replied the nervous immigrant.

"Well, did you hear her tell someone else that she's gonna kill you?"

"Nope."

"Did someone tell you that your wife is gonna kill you?"

"Nope."

"Then why in Christ's name did you think she's gonna kill you?" asked the exasperated police officer.

"Because I found bottle on dresser and I think she gonna poison me!" He handed the police officer the suspect bottle.

The police officer took one look at the label on the bottle and started to laugh out loud. The immigrant became indignant and said,

"Hey man, what so funny? Can't you see the label on bottle said, 'Polish Remover'?"

[MMamdouh]

or last name dauder.

or his son named Dom.

MMamdouh

[john_trickle]

There was this geezer whose manhood measured a whopping 25 inches.

He could never get any satisfaction so as a last resort he went to the Doctor for advice.

"I'm afraid," said the Doc, "there's nothing that I can do, but I do know a magical frog. If you go deep into the colorado forests and ask the frog to marry you she will say no, and your penis will shrink five inches."

With that knowledge the man headed into the colorado forest and yelled out, "will you marry me?"

The magical frog croaked, "no" and miraculously, the man felt a sensation and his penis shrank five inches. Well twenty inches was still too long so he called out again, "Will you marry me?"

The frog croaked, "no". His penis shrank another five inches.

Well, this was all great but 15 inches was still too long, so he called out again, "Will you marry me?"

The frog then cried out "How many times do I have to tell you... NO! NO! NO!"

[john_trickle]

Dave was in a bar looking very dejected. His friend, Adam,
walked over and asked, "What's wrong?"

"It's my mother-in-law," Dave replied, while shaking his head sadly. "I have a real problem with her."

"Cheer up," Adam said. "Everybody's got problems with their mother-in-law."

"Yeah, sure," Dave answered. "But not everybody gets theirs pregnant!"

[john_trickle]

A business is looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, work a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

Soon after a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The manager looked at the dog and was surprised, However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office.

Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."

The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.

The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual." The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."

[lanowoo]

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.

"Listen," says the Doc, "I have migraines, too and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little.

Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."

Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"

"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."

"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a REALLY nice house."

[lanowoo]

One day a little girl was sitting in the kitchen and watching her mother do the cooking. She suddenly observed, that her mother has several strands of white hair peeping through her brunette color. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for while and then said, "Momma, is that why Grandma's hairs are all white".

[lanowoo]

1) The Female Always Makes the Rules.

2) The Rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.

3) No Male can possibly know all the Rules.

4) If the Female suspects the Male knows all the rules, she must immediately change some or all of the rules.

5) The Female is NEVER wrong.

6) If the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding that was a direct result of something the Male did or said wrong.

7) If Rule 6 applies, the Male must apologize IMMEDIATELY for causing the Misunderstanding.

The Female can change her mind at any given point in time.

9) The Male must never change his mind without EXPRESS WRITTEN CONSENT from the Female.

10) The Female has every right to be Angry or Upset at any time.

11) The Male must remain Calm at ALL TIMES, unless the Female wants him to be Angry or Upset.

12) The Female must UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES let the Male know whether she wants him to be Angry or Upset.

13) Any attempt to document these Rules could result in Bodily Harm.

14) If the Female has PMS, All Rules are NULL and VOID.

[lanowoo]

Types of Boyfriends
Joe Sensitive - "After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, OK?"

Also known as Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled Egg, and Snugglepup.

Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts

Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy



Old Man Grumpus - "People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let's stay home and watch TV."

Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow Mover, Jerk

Advantages: Stays put, predictable

Disadvantages: Royal pain in the ass



Flinchy - "I--I'm sorry for whatever it was I did."

Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you

Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled

Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle



Bigfoot - "Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'."

Also known as Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big 'n’ Dumb

Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled

Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig



Lazybones - "Zzzzzz"

Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict

Advantages: Well rested; easy target

Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfill your dreams



The Sneak - "Who, me?"

Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch

Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt

Disadvantages: May be having time of his life



Ace of Hearts - "After I wash the dishes let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?"

Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster

Advantages: Perpetually aroused

Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused



The Dreamer - "Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. I don't know how, but--"

Also known as: Struggling artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind, Fool

Advantages: Tells good stories

Disadvantages: Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus"



Mr. Right - "While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love like crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?"

Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy

Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer

Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Types of Girlfriends
Ms. Nice Guy - "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh Darling, you shouldn't have"

Also known as: What a gal, precious, one of the boys, my main squeeze, doormat

Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, and kindly

Disadvantages: May wise up someday



Old Yeller - "You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a bitch! Can't you see you're making me miserable??"

Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell

Advantages: Pays attention to you

Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans



Sickly - "Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite"

Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Glumpy

Advantages: Predictable

Disadvantages: Contagious



The Bosser - "Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut.

Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look."

Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, and Yes Mom

Advantages: Often right

Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?



Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied - "I just can't decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home, and hair color?"

Also known as The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw c'mon Honey

Advantages: Easily soothed

Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed



Wild Woman out of Control - "I've got an idea. Lez get drunk an' make love onna front lawn. I done it before. S'fun."

Also known as: Fast girl, freewheeler, goodtime charleena, passed out

Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys

Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs



Huffy - "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at"

Also known as: No fun, humorless prig, Cold fish, Chilly proposition, Iceberg, Snarly

Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you

Disadvantages: You will have no friends



Woman from Mars - "I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about our relationship"

Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic

Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable

Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud



Ms. Dreamgirl - "I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed weasels now"

Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous

Advantages: Funny, intelligent uninhibited

Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you

[lanowoo]

Cyde the newfie died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue needed someone to identify the body. So his two best friends, Clem and Zeke, were sent for. Clem went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.

Clem said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." So the mortician rolled him over, Clem looked, and Said "Nope, ain't Clyde." The mortician thought that was rather strange.

Then he brought Zeke to identify the body and Zeke looked at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Zeke looked down and said, "No, it ain't Clyde."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?

Zeke said, "Well, Clyde had two assholes."

"What? He had two assholes?" said the mortician.

"Yup, everyone in town knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, "Here comes Clyde with them two assholes."

[lanowoo]

Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."

You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut--up.

Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your children.

Mothers of teens know why some animals eat their young.

Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat every word for word what you shouldn't have said.

The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

We child-proofed our home 3 years ago and they're still getting in!

Anyway, be nice to your children, they might choose your nursing home someday.