Just a few laughs!

[lanowoo]

The class assignment in composition was to write about something unusual that happened during the past week. Little Irving got up to read his. "Papa fell in the well last week - " he began. "Good heavens," shrieked Mrs. Kroop, the teacher. "Is he all right now?" "He must be," said little Irving. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday."


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A man went to his doctor seeking help for his terrible addiction to cigars. The doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsive patient, so recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of aversion therapy. "When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it, and stick it completely up your asshole. Then remove it, rewrap it, and place it back with all the others in such a fashion as you can't tell which one it is. The aversion is obvious: you won't dare smoke any of them, not knowing which is the treated cigar." "Thanks doc, I'll try it." And he did. But three weeks later he came back and saw the doctor again. "What? My recommendation didn't work? It was supposed to be effective even in the most addictive of cases, such as yours is!" "Well, it kind of worked, doc. At least I was able to transfer my addiction," said the patient. "What in the hell is that supposed to mean?" "Well, I don't smoke cigars anymore, but now I can't go to sleep at night unless I have a cigar shoved up my ass..."


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A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend, he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?" "My mother died in June, and left me $10,000." said the friend. "Gee, that's tough," he replied. "Then in July," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $50,000." The man looking concerned says, "Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed." The friend continues, "And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000." "Three close family members lost in three months??? How sad!!!" "Then this month,..." continued, the friend, "Nothing! Not a single dime!"

[john_trickle]

Stop it Mama
Yo' mama so dumb, she waited at a STOP sign until it said GO!

Homeless
Yo' mama so fat, she can stand over the homeless and give them a home!

Got Lost
Yo mama's so fat, I ran around her twice and got lost!


Double Chins
Yo' mama so fat, she has double chins all the way to her ankles!

[john_trickle]

Little Johnny got a prime clerk's job at the local department store. One day, a young pretty girl strolled up to the fabric store's counter where Johnny was working and asked:
"I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"That fabric Mam, is only one kiss per yard," Little Johnny smirked.

"That's fine," replied the little girl, "I'll take ten yards please."

With anticipation and excited expectation written all over his face, Little Johnny hurriedly measured out the ten yards, perfectly wrapped up the cloth and held it out teasingly.

The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing just behind her: "Grandpa Fester will pay the bill," she smiled...

[john_trickle]

Once upon a time there were four people; their names were Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.

Whenever there was an important job to be done, Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.

When Nobody did it, Everybody got angry because it was Everybody's job.

Everybody thought that Somebody would do it, but Nobody realized that Nobody would do it.

So consequently, Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done in the first place.

[john_trickle]

A Senator, a clergyman, and a Boy Scout were passengers in a small plane that developed engine trouble.

The pilot announced, "We're gonna have to bail out. Unfortunately, there are only three parachutes. I have a wife and eight small children. My family needs me. I'm taking one of the parachutes and jumping out!"

And sure enough, he jumped.

Then the Senator declared, "Since I'm the smartest politician in the world, my country needs me, so I'm sorry, but I'm taking one of the parachutes."

And sure enough, the Senator bailed out.

The clergyman said to the Boy Scout, "Son, I've had a great life, and yours is still ahead of you. You can take the last parachute."

The youngster shrugged and replied, "I don't need to, there are two parachutes left...the smartest politician in the world jumped with my knapsack!"

[john_trickle]

A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other insisted the volume should be cranked up. They were complete opposites, one an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist.

Just to see what would happen, on Christmas, their father loaded the pessimist's room with every conceivable toy and game. In the optimist's room he filled it with horse manure.

That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.

"Why are you crying son?" the father asked.

"Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken" answered the pessimist twin.

Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure.

"What are you so happy about?" he asked.

To which his optimist twin replied:

"Somewhere in here, there's gotta be a pony!"

[john_trickle]

3 convicts were on their way to prison. Each was allowed to take one item to help occupy themselves whilst incarcerated.

On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"

The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "The Grandma Moses of Jail".

Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"

The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and said, "I brought cards. I can play solitaire, gin, poker and any number of games..."

The third convict was sitting quietly opposite them, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Hey, why are you so smug? What exactly did you bring?"

The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled saying, "I brought these!"

Staring in puzzlement, the other two asked: "What on earth can you do with those?"

Grinning and pointing to the box he replied, "Well according to the box ... I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating..."

[lanowoo]

Dear friends, it is with the saddest heart that I have to pass on the following:

The Pillsbury Doughboy died Monday of a severe yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded".

Doughboy rose quickly in show business but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, even as a crusty old man, he was considered a roll model for millions.

Toward the end it was thought he'd rise once again, but he was no tart. Doughboy is survived by his second wife, Play Dough. They have two children, and one in the oven.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

[john_trickle]

A little girl was attending a church service with her mother when she began feeling unwell.

"Ma, I think I need to throw up..." said the girl.

"Well, go outside dear," said the Mother, "and use the bushes outside the front door of the church."

The little girl went off, but within a minute she was back again.

"That was quick," said the Mother, "did you throw up?"

"Yes Ma, but I didn't need to go outside," replied the little girl.

"I used a box near the door that said: For The Sick"

[lanowoo]

One day, all the human body parts started arguing about who was on top... The mouth said, ''I should be on top because, without me, you wouldn't be able to eat.'' Then the stomach said, ''Ya but if it weren't for me, you wouldn't be able to digest and transfer all the minerals and vitamins throughout the body, I should be on top.'' Then the heart said, ''I should be on top because I'm the one who takes the blood from point A to point B. Without me, the body would die.'' Then the brain said, '' Well, without me, you wouldn't be able to move, eat, digest or allow circulation of blood, so I should be on top.'' Now, the asshole was beginning to get annoyed, ''You know, I should be on top because I can just shut my hole and then shit will accumulate and block the digestive track and screw all of you up.'' It was chaos, everyone was yelling and fighting. Finally, the asshole got fed up, ''That's it, I'm fed up, I'm shutting up my hole.''

So for a few days, the body couldn't shit and the brain had trouble moving, the stomach digesting, the mouth eating and the blood flow going, everyone was begging the asshole to open up, The brain said, ''Please open up, you made your point, your on top, just open up.'' The asshole smiled, ''So everyone agrees that I'm on top?'' ''YES'' everyone shouted. ''OK!'' so the asshole opened up and the body could shit again. The moral of this story is, you have to be an asshole to be on top...


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Mr. Bradley and his wife have moved to a new apartment in a new building on the 11th floor. The building wasn't yet completed since the elevator wasn't yet installed. So they had to take up the furniture through the emergency stairway. With difficulties and sweat, and by the end of the day, they managed to complete the task. Mrs. Bradley wanted to do laundry so she asked Mr. Bradley to be a good boy and go down to Mr. Peabody's new store and buy her soap detergent. Mr. Bradley went down the stairway from the 11th. floor and entered Mr. Peabody's new store.

Mr. Bradley : "Hello Mr. Peabody. I would like some soap detergent for my wife."

Mr. Peabody : "What brand name is your washer machine?"

Mr. Bradley : "Why??.. I don't know ... Why? "

Mr. Peabody : " I can't sell you soap detergent unless you told me the make of your washer machine. I have a store to run and I care about its reputation Mr. Bradley.

Mr. Peabody continued to refuse to sell Mr. Bradley soap detergent unless he told him the make of his washer machine.

So Mr. Bradley became very angry and had to leave and go all the way back up the stairway to get what Mr. Peabody wanted. When he found out the brand of his washer machine, he went back all the way down and told Mr. Peabody the his washer machine's make was (GENERAL ELECTRIC).

Mr. Peabody : " What's the voltage. Is it 110 or 220 volts?"
Mr. Bradley : " I don't know and I don't care! ... Just sell me the stupid detergent!!!!..."

Mr. Peabody : " I can't.. I just can't risk the reputation of my new store. You have told tell me the voltage of your washer machine."

So angrily... Mr. Bradley had to go all the way back up to find out the voltage. As he was going down the stairway, sweating like a dog, he met one of his neighbors, Sam. Sam was naked waist down, and very angry, carrying a toilet seat and going down the stairs also sweating like a dog.

Mr. Bradley : " SAM.... what in the world is going on? why are you naked waist down and carrying a toilet seat?"

Sam : " Leave me alone Mr. Bradley... I'm very angry right now and don't feel like answering." Mr. Bradley kept insisting on Sam to tell him, but Sam kept quite and was getting angrier until they both entered Mr. Peabody's store.

Sam quickly went in, very angry and stood in the middle of the store and yelled as loud as he could saying : " Well Mr. Peabody.... Here's my toilet seat and also here's my ass... NOW.... WOULD YOU PLEASE SELL ME MY TOILET PAPER??"

[john_trickle]

3 sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together they discussed gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."

The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

The third smiled and said, "Ha, I got you both beat. Remember how mother loved to read the Bible? And you know that she can't see very well? Well, I sent her an amazing parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Church elders 14 years to teach him. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks:

"Jim," she wrote one son, "The house you built is so big. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"David," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel and stay at home most of the time, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Gerald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was absolutley delicious..."

[john_trickle]

Lee wasn't the brightest guy in the world, and his co-workers were continually ribbing him on the job. One in particular, Rick, would greet him each morning and precipitate this exchange:

"Say Lee, you seen Ben?"

"Ben who?"

"Ben' down and kiss my a$$!"

Tired of falling for the same joke day after day, Lee confided in his friend Susie who said, "Listen, next time you see Rick, ask him if he's seen Eileen. Rick will ask, 'Eileen who?', and you say, 'I lean over and you kiss MY a$$.'"

Memorizing his lines, Lee went to work early to wait for Rick. As soon as he arrived, Lee ran over to him.

"Hey Rick," he said, "have you seen Eileen?"

"No," Rick answered, "she ran off with Ben."

Lee frowned, "Ben who?"

[john_trickle]

"Howdi, is this the FBI?"

"Yes. What do you want?"

"Well, you see I'm calling about my neighbour Billy Bob Jenkins. The thing is, he's hiding a stash of marijuana inside his firewood..."

"Sir, thank you very much for your call."

The following day, a crack squad of FBI agents descended on Billy Bob's house. Bursting into his shed, they find the stash of firewood. Using axes, they burst open every single piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left...

The phone then rings inside Billy Bob's house:

"Hey there Billy Bob...Did the FBI come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Happy Birthday, Buddy"

[john_trickle]

One day a young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her Mother - "Mom, Bryan just proposed to me an hour ago."

"Then why are you so sad?" her Mother asked.

"Well, he also told me that he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe that hell exists!"

Her mother replied, "Honey, marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he really is."

[lanowoo]

for Women:

1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3,000 since the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:

$20.00 for oil change
$1.00 for coffee.

TOTAL: $21.00


for Men:

1. Go to store, spend $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree.
2. Get home to discover that the used oil container is full.
3. Instead of taking it to local repair garage for recycling, dump in hole in back yard.
4. Open a beer and drink it.
5. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
6. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
7. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
8. Place drain pan under engine.
9. Look for 9/16th box end wrench.
10. give up and use crescent wrench.
11. Unscrew drain plug.
12. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil ; get hot oil on you in process.
13. Clean up mess.
14. Have another beer while watching oil drain.
15. Look for oil filter wrench.
16. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.
17. Beer.
18. Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
19. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
20. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
21. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
22. Walk to 7 Eleven; buy beer.
23. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
24. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
25. Remember drain plug from step 11.
26. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
27. Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
28. Drink Beer.
29. Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.
30. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
31. Drink beer.
32. Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
33. Bang head on floor boards in reaction to step 31.
34. Begin cussing a fit.
35. Throw wrench.
36. Swear 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss July (1992) in her overabundant chest.
36. Beer.
37. Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38. Beer.
39. Beer.
40. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41. Beer.
42. Lower car from jack stands.
43. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
44. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
45. Beer
46. Test drive car.
47. Get pulled over; arrested for driving under the influence.
48. Car gets impounded.
49. Make bail: Get car from impound yard.

Money spent:

$50.00 parts
$25.00 Beer
$75.00 replacement set of jack stands
$1,000.00 Bail
$200.00 Impound and towing fee

TOTAL: $1,350.00

some times this is true, next time let the women change the oil. ($ 21.00) and yes, still with beer.