Just a few laughs!

[lanowoo]

A truck driver was pulled over by a State Trooper.

The patrolman told him to get out of the truck, and noticed that the driver appeared to be putting something in his mouth as he stepped out of the cab. Figuring that the driver was putting away his pep pills, the patrolman asked, "Did I just see you swallow something?"

"Yep, that was my birth control pill," said the driver.

"Birth control pill?" asked the patrolman.

"Yep, when I saw your flashing light, I knew I was getting f****d."

[john_trickle]

A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how badly treated she got over the divorce settlement, when she spies a magic lamp washing up onshore. She rubs the lamp, and out pops a magical genie!! The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him. As a consolation, the genie informs her that he will give her three wishes. But, he cautions her that because he does not believe in divorce, he will give her ex-husband ten times the amount of whatever she wishes.

The woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly fair, but she makes her first wish. The first wish was for a billion dollars. The genie grants her wish and she finds herself sitting in pile of one billion one-dollar bills.

The genie then reminds her that her husband is now the recipient of 10 billion dollars. The woman can barely contain her anger when she makes her second wish. The second wish was for a beautiful mansion on the shore of her own private beach. In an instant it was granted, but the genie then reminds again that her ex-husband now owns ten of what she wished for, and points out at the beach to a small development of ten such mansions.

Upon hearing this, the woman takes her time to contemplate her last wish. Just as the genie was about to give up on her, the woman informs the genie that she wants to make the last wish. But, before she can do this, the genie again warns her that her ex-husband will get ten times what she wishes for.

"No problem," said the woman as she grinned in ecstasy. "For my last wish ... I'd like to give birth to twins."

[john_trickle]

A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender "I can pee farther than anyone else"

"Yeah" the bartender says.

"Sure, and I can pee right on the spot from 75 feet away" the guy says.

"Yeah right" the bartender says.

"It's true, in fact, I'll bet you 100 dollars that I cam pee right into a beer bottle 75 feet away and not spill a drop" the guy says.

"Go ahead" the bartender says smiling at the chance to make some easy money.

So a beer bottle is placed on the floor 75 feet away. Then the guy whips out his dick and starts peeing. He pees on the wall, he pees on the floor, he pees on the ceiling and bar,he even pees on the bartender. He pees everywhere EXCEPT in the bottle.

The bartender starts smiling and tells the guy to pay up. The guy goes into another room, comes out a few minutes later with a big grin on his face and pays the bartender.

The bartender then says to the guy, "Why are you so happy, you just lost a hundred bucks?"

Then the guy says ""Well, I just bet the guys in the other room a thousand bucks that I could pee all over your bar and not only would you not mind, but you'd be smiling."

[john_trickle]

poor Jamaican fisherman was shipwrecked on a desert island. He had lost his boat, his livelihood and possessions. He was trudging round the island in a dejected mood when he came across an old brass lamp washed up on the beach. Remembering the tale of Aladdin and the magic lamp he rubbed it........... POOF!

A Genie appeared. A Jewish Genie. "Vey!" he said. "Am I glad to be outta there. Three hundred years I bin in that thing, my life and soul! What can I do for you my boy?"

The Jamaican asked if the Genie granted wishes. "Wishes, Schmishes! Course I do. I'll grant you two wishes, used to be three but I gotta think about my margins"

"Well," said the Jamaican after some consideration "I'd like to be white and surrounded by women."

"No problem" said the Genie,...... POOF! - the Jamaican was transformed into a tampon.


Moral: Never do business with a Jewish Genie - there's always a string attached.

[john_trickle]

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.

"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"YES, YES, YES!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good!" said the first bat, "Because I fucking didn't!"

[john_trickle]

This actually happened at Harvard University in October of last year.

In a biology class, the prof was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen.

A young female (freshman) raised her hand and asked, "If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in male semen?"

"That's correct", responded the prof, going on to add statistical info.

Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"

After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class... and never returned.

However, as she was going out the door, the Prof's reply was classic...

Totally straight-faced he answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat.

[john_trickle]

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, "But we don't know anything about each other." He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along." So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, this followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and laid down on the towel. She said," That was incredible!" He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along."

She got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and laid down on her towel hardly out of breath. He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?" "No." she said, "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal."

[john_trickle]

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. On this particular day, the teacher wanted to ask her class which part of the body went to heaven first.

One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think your mind goes to heaven first because you have to have a mind in order to believe in God."

The teacher praises the little girl as a little boy raises his hand. He says, "I think your heart goes to heaven first because God is all about love."

"Very good," said the teacher. The teacher looked up and saw Little Johnny's hand up. "Oh no," she thought, "I'm not gonna like this. "Little Johnny, which part of the body do you think goes to heaven first?"

Little Johnny thinks for a minute and says, "Your feet." The teacher asked him why he thought your feet go to heaven first.

He replied, "Well, I was walking past my parents' bedroom last night and my mom had her feet up in the air and she said, 'Oh God, I'm coming!', but fortunately Dad was on top of her holding her down.

[MMamdouh]

father and son went fishing one day. While they were out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, "How does this boat float?

The father replied, "Don't rightly know son." A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, "How do fish breath underwater?"

Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know son." A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"

Again, the father repied. "Don't rightly know son." Finally, the boy asked his father, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"

The father replied, "Of course not, you don't ask questions, you never learn nothin'."

MMamdouh

[MMamdouh]

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave. "S' cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, "what was that all about?"

"Nothin", said the Irishman, "me wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"

MMamdouh

[MMamdouh]

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So, the Irishman stood up to leave fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again. So he decided to crawl the four blocks home. Again, he fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.

When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into the bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!"

Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he said, "What makes you say that?"

"The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there again."

MMamdouh

[MMamdouh]

"I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity." -- Chris Rock

"A New Hampshire couple has walked the 5,000 mile length of the U.S. in 18 months. They expect their return trip to take another year and a half. They're booked on United." -- Alan Ray

"I was about to walk on to do my show one night when a man in the audience stopped me and said, 'Rodney, do me a favor before you go on. Could I have your autograph...and some more butter?'" -- Rodney Dangerfield

MMamdouh

[MMamdouh]

It was moving day. The previous owners were going to finish moving out that morning, and we were going to start moving in that afternoon.

We showed up just as they were finishing up, around lunchtime. The couple was sitting down for a breather before they left. The wife suggested to her husband that they go to McDonald's for lunch. She told us with guilty pleasure, "I know it's not good for me, but I just love burgers and fries."

Her husband had a somewhat disgusted look on his face. He told us, in all seriousness, "Not me. I'm a meat and potatoes man."

MMamdouh

[MMamdouh]

Recently, I called to make reservations on a small charter plane that departs from Teterboro airport in New Jersey.

I knew that I would be flying in a very small plane, so I was not surprised when the clerk said, "The plane is very full with baggage and passengers." Then she asked, "How much do you weigh, sir?"

Not thinking clearly I answered, "With or without clothes?"

"Well," said the clerk, "how do you intend to travel?"

MMamdouh

[MMamdouh]

A southern belle was looking to buy a house. The seller said, "This house hasn't got a flaw in it!"

The southern belle replied, "My lands! What do y'all walk on?"

MMamdouh