Just a few laughs!

[john_trickle]

>>A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in
>>sick
>>one day.
>>
>>Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialled the
>>employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.
>>
>>"Hello?"
>>
>>"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
>>
>>"Yes," whispered the small voice.
>>
>>May I talk with him?"
>>
>>The child whispered, "No."
>>
>>Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked,
>>
>>"Is your Mummy there?"
>>
>>"Yes."
>>
>>"May I talk with her?"
>>
>>Again the small voice whispered, "No."
>>
>>Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss
>>asked, "Is anybody else there?"
>>
>>"Yes,"
>>whispered the child, "a policeman."
>>
>>Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss
>>asked,
>>"May I speak with the policeman?"
>>
>>"No, he's busy", whispered the child.
>>
>>"Busy doing what?"
>>
>>"Talking to Mummy and Daddy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.
>>
>>Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through
>>the
>>earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
>>
>>"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.
>>
>>"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
>>
>>Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed the
>>hello-copper."
>>
>>Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they
>>searching for?"
>>
>>Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle:
>>
>>."ME."

[john_trickle]

A man and a woman were driving down the road and arguing about his
deplorable infidelity when suddenly the woman reaches over and
slices the man's penis off. Angrily, she tosses it out the car
window.
Driving behind the couple is a man and his 9-year-old daughter. The
little girl is just chatting away at her father when all of a sudden
the penis smacks the car on the windshield, sticks for a moment, then
flies off.
Surprised, the daughter asks her father, "Daddy, what the heck was
that?"

Not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at such a
young age, the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey."
The daughter sits with a confused look on her face, and after a few
minutes she says "......'sure had a big dick, didn't it ?"

[john_trickle]

A man, and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud
pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door
where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a
push.


"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the
morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.


"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.


"Did you help him?" she asks.


"No, I did not! It's 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring
out there!"


"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you
remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys
helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of
yourself!"


The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the
pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you
still there?"


Yes" comes back the answer.


"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.


"Yes, Please!" comes the reply from the dark.


"Where are you?" asks the husband.


"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

[MMamdouh]

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where elsewould we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: -- silence --

HUSBAND: "Shit!."

MMamdouh

[john_trickle]

10. Girls Just Want To Be Nuns

9. Wind Beneath My Vestments

8. Pretty Fly (For A Celibate Guy)

7. A Whiter Shade Of Robe

6. Exactly Like A Virgin

5. Sistine Candles

4. Take This Job And Read It

3. Gettin' Popey Wit It

2. God Must Have Spent A Little More Time On Me

1. Papa's Got A Brand New Encyclical

[john_trickle]

A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"

So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!"

Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts."

[john_trickle]

There were these three guys. They had been walking for 3 days and were very tired. They found a hotel, rented a room and went to sleep. Then, this old guy comes in out of nowhere, and says there is a magic pool just outside their hotel room. He tells them "Ok, you must jump off the diving board, and yell out what you wanna land in."

So the three guys go over to the pool. The first guy, a vegetarian, yells out "Bananas!" and lands in a pool of bananas. The second guy was money hungry and yelled out "Money!" and lands in a pile of money. The third guy jumps, when a bird shits on his head, and he yells "Oh Shit!"

[john_trickle]

A young blind boy is being tucked into bed by his mother. The mom says "Now Billy, pray really hard tonight and tomorrow, your wish will come true!". Billy says, "Ok mommy." and goes to sleep. The next morning, Billy wakes up and screams "MOMMY! I'm still blind, my wish didn't come true!", the mom answered, "I know - April Fools!"

[john_trickle]

A woman was standing in a crowded lift of the hotel she was staying in. When a man got in and accidentally elbowed her in the breast. The man said, "I'm sorry! But if your heart is as soft as your tit, you'll forgive me." so the woman replies, "If you dick is as hard as your elbow then I am staying in room 113."

[john_trickle]

A mother found her son scooping ice cream in the kitchen and was mad.

Mom : "Dinner is going to be ready in an hour, put that ice cream away and go play."

Son : "But mom, there's no one to play with."

Mom : "I'll play with you, what do you wanna play?"

Son : "Lets play mommy and daddy, you go upstairs and lay down on the bed."

The mom said ok and went upstairs. The son put on his dad's fishing hat and lit up one of his dad's cigarettes. He went upstairs and opened the door.

Mom : "Now what do I do?"

Son : "Get your ass out of bed, you whore, and fix that kid some fucking ice cream."

[john_trickle]

A burglar breaks into a house. He sees a CD player that he wants so he takes it. Then he hears a voice "JESUS is watching you". He looks around with his flashlight wandering "What The HELL Was That?". He spots some $ on a table and takes it......Once again he hears a voice " JESUS is watching you". He hides in a corner trying to find where the voice came from. He spots a birdcage with a parrot in it! He goes over and asks " Was that your voice?". It said "YES". He then says "What's your name?". It says "MOSES". The burglar says " What kind of person names his bird moses??" The parrot replys "THE SAME PERSON THAT NAMES HIS ROTWEILER "JESUS".

[MMamdouh]

If you want someone who will bring you the paper without first tearing it apart to remove the sports section

Buy a dog.

If you want someone willing to make a fool of himself simply over the joy of seeing you

Buy a dog.

If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never says its not quite as good as his mother made it

Buy a dog

If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour, for as long and wherever you want

Buy a dog.

If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn't care about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies
.
Buy a dog

If you want someone who is content to get up on your bed just to warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores

Buy a dog.

If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn't care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves you unconditionally, perpetually

Buy a dog.

But, on the other hand, If you want someone who will never come when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night and only comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness...

Then................







Buy a cat!

MMamdouh

[john_trickle]

A little boy about 12 years old walked down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him.

He came up to the doorstep of a brothel and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.

He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it."

The Madam figured why not,so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.

He asked, "Do any of the girls have any venereal diseases?"

Of course, the Madam said no.

He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want."

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the cynical Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed amphibian behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"

He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have s*x with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys.

She will then get the Dose that I just caught.

When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the dose.

Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it.

In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the clap, and HE'S the bastard I want to get cos he ran over my FROG!

[john_trickle]

A fireman came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station:

* BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets.
* BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole.
* BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.

"From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say BELL 2, I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3, we are going to make love all night."

The next night he came home from work and yelled, "BELL 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off...

Then he yelled, "BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed.

When he yelled, "BELL 3!", they began making love.

After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!"

"What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband?

"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she yelled, "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE!!!"

[john_trickle]

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms.

The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again ... ONE, TWO, THREE...UUH!" all night long.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?"

The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get a erection."

The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?"....

"I couldn't even get on the bed!"