Just a few laughs!

[MMamdouh]

IT IS NOT A STORY BUT A TRUE INCIDENT THAT HAPPENED IN AMERICA.

An Egyptian man walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to Egypt on
business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Egyptian man hands over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank.

He produces the title and everything checks out. The loan officer agrees to accept the car as a collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Egyptian for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the Egyptian returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000'"

The Egyptian replies: "Where else in New York City can I park my precious car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

MMamdouh

[MMamdouh]

A disappointed salesman of Pepsi returns from his Middle East assignment. A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"

The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was Very confident that I will make a good sales pitch as Pepsi is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn't know to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through 3 posters...

First poster, a man crawling through the hot desert sand... totally exhausted and panting.

Second, the man is drinking our Pepsi and

Third, our man is now totally refreshed.

Then these posters were pasted all over the place"

"That should have worked," said the friend.

The salesman replied, "Well, not only did I not speak Arabic, I also didn't realize that Arabs read from right to left..."

MMamdouh

[lanos2001]

A couple on an Indian Reservation had been married for many years, and their son Bob
had gotten old enough to date. One day the boy brought a girl over to
dinner. The mother was thrilled with her son's choice and couldn't wait
for the wedding. However, the father was upset and, eventually, the boy
asked, "Dad, why don't you seem happy with her. Mom likes her a lot."
The father explained, "No Bob, there's nothing wrong with the girl. It's
just that I cheated on your mother a long time ago, and the girl you've
been dating is my daughter by that woman." So Bob dumped her and found
himself another girl. Again, he brought her home to the mother's
delight, but the father again told him this girl was actually his
half-sister. The boy lost his temper and told his mother what his father had
said. Furious, the mother shouted, "Don't listen to him,
sweetheart! He isn't even your father!

[lanos2001]

WALMART SHOPPERS GUIDE TO FUN.


1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone,
" 'Code 3' in housewares".... and see what happens.

5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask,
"Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. Look right into the security camera; & use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.

10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti - depressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through,
say "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream..
"NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while; and then yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!

16. Get several bouncy balls and throw them down an aisle shouting "go, pikachu, go!"

17. Find an empty cash register and go over the loud speaker and say " EVERYONE THIS IS NOT A DRILL...WE HAVE A CODE ORANGE...PLEASE EXIT THE BUILDING IMMEDIATLY"

[MMamdouh]

>Give An Honest Answer
>
>This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.
>
>
>
>The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.
>
>Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.
>
>
>
>THE SITUATION
>
>You are in Louisiana, New Orleans to be specific. There is chaos
>
>all around you, caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions. You are photojournalist, working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster.
>The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos.
>There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.
>
>===============================================
>
>THE TEST
>
>Suddenly you see a man in the water. He is fighting for his life,
>
>trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer.
>
>Somehow the man looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is.
>
>It's George W. Bush. At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever. You have two options-you can save the life of the president of the United States, or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful men.
>
> > >>
>
> > >>
>
> > >>
>
> > >>
>
> > >>
>
> > >>
>
> > >>
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> > >>
>
>THE QUESTION:
>
>Here's the question, and please give an honest answer.......
>
> > >>
>
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>
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>
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>Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

MMamdouh

[daewoomofo]

>Give An Honest Answer
>
>This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.
>
>
>
>The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.
>
>Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.
>
>
>
>THE SITUATION
>
>You are in Louisiana, New Orleans to be specific. There is chaos
>
>all around you, caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions. You are photojournalist, working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster.
>The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos.
>There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.
>
>===============================================
>
>THE TEST
>
>Suddenly you see a man in the water. He is fighting for his life,
>
>trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer.
>
>Somehow the man looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is.
>
>It's George W. Bush. At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever. You have two options-you can save the life of the president of the United States, or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful men.
>
> > >>
>
> > >>
>
> > >>
>
> > >>
>
> > >>
>
> > >>
>
> > >>
>
> > >>
>
>THE QUESTION:
>
>Here's the question, and please give an honest answer.......
>
> > >>
>
> > >>
>
> > >>
>
> > >>
>
> > >>
>
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>Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

MMamdouh

i want that shit in color!

[TheGreatAndPowerfulOz]

HAHAHAHAHA!!! One of the best jokes I have read! :LOL:

[daewoomofo]

these are poping up around the roads that lead into detroit, they look real, the white is reflective and every thing... some one put some time into these
http://www.ehowa.com/showpicture.shtml? ... etroit.jpg

[lanos2001]

Beer VS Pussy ... Who Will Win

1. Beer is always wet. Pussy needs a little work. - One point to BEER

2. Warm beer tastes awful. - One point to Pussy

3. A really cold beer is satisfying. - One point to BEER

4. If after taking a swig of your favorite beer you find a hair between your teeth, you may vomit. - One point to Pussy

5. Ten beers in one night and you can't drive home. Ten Pussies in one night and you don't want to drive anywhere. - One point to Pussy

6. If you have a lot of beer in a public place, your reputation may suffer. If you eat any Pussy in public, you become a legend. - One point to Pussy

7. If a cop stops you and you smell of beer you may get arrested. If you smell of Pussy he may buy you a beer. - One point to Pussy

8. You normally don't find old beer. - One point to BEER

9. Too much beer and! you'll think you see flying saucers. Too much Pussy and you'll think you've seen God. - One point to PUSSY

10. In most countries there's a tax on beer. - One point to PUSSY

11. If you have another beer the first one never gets pissed off - One point to BEER

12. You can always be sure if you're the first one to open a bottle or can. - One point to BEER

13. If you shake beer it'll get all agitated but it eventually it settles down. - One point to BEER

14. You always know how much beer is going to cost - One point to BEER

15. Beer doesn't have a mother - One point to BEER

16. Beer never expects to be hugged for half an hour after you've drank it - One point to BEER


FINAL SCORE: BEER 9
PUSSY 7

That's it! The matter is settled, the clear winner is: BEER

PS: If you are a woman and at this point feel angry, degraded or discriminated, just remember that Beer would experience none of those feelings, let! alone express them. -An extra point for BEER

[john_trickle]

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in
>>sick
>>one day.
>>
>>Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialled the
>>employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.
>>
>>"Hello?"
>>
>>"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
>>
>>"Yes," whispered the small voice.
>>
>>May I talk with him?"
>>
>>The child whispered, "No."
>>
>>Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked,
>>
>>"Is your Mummy there?"
>>
>>"Yes."
>>
>>"May I talk with her?"
>>
>>Again the small voice whispered, "No."
>>
>>Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss
>>asked, "Is anybody else there?"
>>
>>"Yes,"
>>whispered the child, "a policeman."
>>
>>Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss
>>asked,
>>"May I speak with the policeman?"
>>
>>"No, he's busy", whispered the child.
>>
>>"Busy doing what?"
>>
>>"Talking to Mummy and Daddy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.
>>
>>Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through
>>the
>>earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
>>
>>"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.
>>
>>"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
>>
>>Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed the
>>hello-copper."
>>
>>Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they
>>searching for?"
>>
>>Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle:
>>
>>."ME."

[john_trickle]

Giving Cats Pills

PandaINSTRUCTIONS FOR GIVING YOUR CAT A PILL

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a
baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and
gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat
opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm
and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from
foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with lef hand.
Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold
mouth shut for a count of 10.

4. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call
spouse from garden.

5. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and
rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head
firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down
ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

6. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make
note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered
figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

7. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just
visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force
cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

8. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water
to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from
carpet with cold water and soap.

9. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in
cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open
with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

10. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold
compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw
T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

11. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize
to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last
pill from foil wrap.

12. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to
leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's
mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece
of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat
to wash pill down.

13. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor
stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop
by furniture shop on way home to order new table.

14. Arrange for vet to make a housecall.

[john_trickle]

This is so funny that it will boggle your mind.
And you will keep trying it at least 50 more times to see if
you can outsmart your foot.
But you can't!!!

1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor
and make clockwise circles with it.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your
right hand. Your foot will change direction!!!

And there is nothing you can do about it.
Make sure you pass this on to your friends... They won't be
able to believe it either!!!

[john_trickle]

Priceless

So....
There you are, Having a Dinner party.....

Your parents Are there, Your in-laws Are there, Your boss and His wife Are there, The minister and His wife Are there, You're all settling down For a nice relaxing Evening dinner,

Then .......

In walks the dog....







NOW LOOK AT PIC

[MMamdouh]

MMamdouh

[john_trickle]

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night & have dinner with her parents.

Since this is such a big event, the girl announces

to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to

go out & make love for the first time.

* * * * * * * * *



Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex

before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get

some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time & the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.

He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

* * * * * * * * *

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many

condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family

pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he

thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time & all.

* * * * * * * * *

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents

house & meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm

so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

* * * * * * * * *

The boy goes inside & is taken to the dinner table

where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly

offers to say grace & bows his head.

* * * * * * * * *

A minute passes, & the boy is still deep in prayer,

with his head down.

* * * * * * * * *

10 minutes pass, & still no movement from the boy.

* * * * * * * * *

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the

girlfriend leans over & whispers to the boyfriend, "I had

no idea you were this religious."

* * * * * * * *

The boy turns, & whispers back, "I had no idea your

father was a pharmacist."

* * * * * * * * *