Just a few laughs!

[TheGreatAndPowerfulOz]

(For those of you not in the U.S. you may not know who this is)

The Burger King mascot ... scarey!

[lanos2001]

man thats disturbing


nick

[daewoomofo]

im gonna have nightmares tonight cause of that, thanks OZ!

[TxDAEWOOxT]

That creepy smile and the cape!! That dude is about scoring touchdowns!!!



How about the Sonic commercials? Those are funny!

[MMamdouh]

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.
A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free
speaker Function and says, Hello?"Everyone else in the room stops to listen:


WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather
coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure. Go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new
2006 models. I saw one I really liked.

"MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."


WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing.... The house I wanted last
year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make them an offer of
$900,000.They'll probably take it. If not, we can go an extra 50
thousand.

WOMAN: Ooh! Wonderful! I love you so much!!"


MAN: "I love you, too."

The man closes up. The other guys in the locker room are staring
at him in astonishment. He smiles and asks, "Anyone knows who this
phone belongs to ?

MMamdouh

[daewoomofo]

dude that was my phone!

[john_trickle]

During Marine Basic Training Camp a Captain received information that the mother of one of the recruits had passed away. The Captain calls Sergeant Black into his office and tells him, "When you line up the troops this morning you need to inform Private Jones that his mother died."

"Yes Sir!" says Black. That morning as the men were lined up Black bellows out, "Hup, hey, ho, ho. Jones your mother died." Jones falls over with a heart attack.

A month later the Captain calls Black into his office and says, "Black, you need to tell Private Smith his mother died. But this time use some tact. I don't want to lose another good recruit.

"Yes Sir!" Black answers.

This time when the men are lined up Black yells out, "Okay. All you men with living mothers take one step forward - NOT SO FAST, SMITH!"

[MMamdouh]

Dear employee,

Please be advised that there are NEW rules and regulationsimplemented to raise the efficiency of our company:


Transportation:
===============

It is advised that you come to work driving a car according to your salary. If we see you driving a BMW, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you drive a 20
year old car or taking public transportation, we assume you must have lots of savings therefore you do not need a raise. If you drive a Daewoo, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not
need a raise.


Annual Leave:
=============

Each employee will receive 104 Annual Leave days a year (Wooow!). They are called Saturday & Sunday.


LUNCH BREAK:
============

1) Skinny people get 30-minutes-lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.


2) Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.


3) Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.


SICK DAYS:
==========

We will no longer accept a doctor MC Certificate as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.


TOILET USE:
===========

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilets. There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the cubicles. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under "Chronic Offenders" category. Subsequent pictures will be sold at public auctions to raise money to pay your salary.


SURGERY:
========

As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment


Internet Usage:
===============

All personal internet usage will be recorded and charges will be deducted from your bonus (if any) and if we decide not to give you any, charges will be deducted from your salary. (note:$ 2.00 per minute).
Just for the record. 73% of the staff will not be entitled to any salary for the next 3 months as their internet charges have exceeded their 3 months salary).


Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience.


Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.


Have a nice day.

MMamdouh

[MMamdouh]

A lady takes her lover to her house during the day, while her husband is at work. Unknown to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet to skip school.

Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she asked the man to hide in the same closet. The boy now has company.

Boy, "Dark in here."
Man, "Yes it is."
Boy, "I have a baseball."
Man, "That's nice."
Boy, "Want to buy it?"
Man, "No, thanks."
Boy, "My dad's outside."
Man, "OK, how much?"
Boy, "$250."


In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the same closet together again.

Boy, "Dark in here."
Man, "Yes, it is."
Boy, "I have a baseball glove."
Man, "How much?"
Boy, "$750."
Man, "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves and the ball. Let's go outside and toss the baseball."

The boy says, "Ican't, I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?".
"1000$", says the boy.
Father,"It's terrible to overcharge your friends like that, it is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to the church and make you confess."

So they go to church and the father alerts thepriest, makes the boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

The boy, "Dark in here."
The Priest, "Don't start that shit again"

MMamdouh

[MMamdouh]

A man was sitting reading his paper when his wife hit him round the
head with a frying pan.

"What was that for?" the man asked. The wife replied "That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket".

The man said "When I was at the races last week, Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on"

The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.

Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.

"Your horse called up"

MMamdouh

[TheGreatAndPowerfulOz]

Why do women use makeup and perfume?





































Because they're ugly and they smell bad.

[Audacity Racing]

that must be your same reasoning oz

[MMamdouh]

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email to another recipient.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email

expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: March 10, 2006

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is hot down here!

MMamdouh

[MMamdouh]

LAST WEEK WAS MY BIRTHDAY AND I DIDN'T FEEL VERY WELL WAKING UP THAT MORNING. I WENT DOWNSTAIRS FOR BREAKFAST HOPING MY WIFE WOULD BE PLEASANT AND SAY, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!", AND POSSIBLY HAVE A PRESENT FOR ME. AS IT TURNED OUT, SHE BARELY SAID GOOD MORNING, LET ALONE "HAPPY BIRTHDAY." I THOUGHT... WELL, HAT'S MARRIAGE FOR YOU, BUT THE KIDS WILL REMEMBER.

MY KIDS CAME INTO BREAKFAST AND DIDN'T SAY A WORD.

SO WHEN I LEFT FOR THE OFFICE, I WAS FEELING PRETTY LOW AND SOMEWHAT DESPONDENT. AS I WALKED IN! TO MY OFFICE, MY SECRETARY, JANE SAID, "GOOD MORNING, BOSS, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" IT FELT A LITTLE BETTER THAT AT LEAST SOMEONE HAD REMEMBERED.

I WORKED UNTIL ONE O'CLOCK AND THEN JANE KNOCKED ON MY DOOR AND SAID, "YOU KNOW, IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY OUTSIDE, AND IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY, LET'S GO OUT TO LUNCH, JUST YOU AND ME."
I SAID, "THANKS JANE, THAT'S THE GREATEST THING I'VE HEARD ALL DAY. LET'S GO!"

WE WENT TO LUNCH. BUT WE DIDN'T GO WHERE WE NORMALLY WOULD GO. WE DINED INSTEAD AT A LITTLE PLACE WITH A PRIVATE TABLE. WE HAD TWO MARTINIS EACH AND I ENJOYED THE MEAL TREMENDOUSLY.
ON THE WAY BACK TO THE OFFICE, JANE SAID, "YOU KNOW, IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY... WE DON'T NEED TO GO BACK TO THE OFFICE, DO WE?"

I RESPONDED, "I GUESS NOT. WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN MIND?" SHE SAID, "LET'S GO TO MY APARTMENT."
AFTER ARRIVING AT HER APARTMENT JANE TURNED TO ME AND SAID, "BOSS, IF YOU DON'T MIND, I'M GOING TO STEP INTO THE BEDROOM FOR A MOMENT. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK." "OK." I NERVOUSLY REPLIED.

SHE WENT INTO THE BEDROOM AND, AFTER A COUPLE OF MINUTES, SHE CAME OUT CARRYING A HUGE BIRTHDAY CAKE... FOLLOWED BY MY WIFE, KIDS, AND DOZENS OF MY FRIENDS AND CO-WORKERS, ALL SINGING "HAPPY BIRTHDAY". AND I JUST SAT THERE... ON THE COUCH... NAKED.

MMamdouh

[MMamdouh]

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem. The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and s o on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?" No response.

So the husband moves to closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, Honey, what's for dinner?" Again he gets no response so, He walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
;


;

;

;

;


"James, for the FIFTH time I've said, CHICKEN!"



Moral of the story:
The problem may not be with the other one as we always think, could be very much within us..!

MMamdouh