Three guys were at the Pearly Gates when Peter answered. He said there was one space open for someone. He asked them how they died.
"I came home one day and saw my wife in bed, naked. I looked all over the house and decided to check the balcony. I saw some fingers so I took a hammer and hit his fingers but a bush broke his fall so I took my fridge and threw it on him. But I felt so bad for killing a man that I killed myself."
"I was painting on the 37th floor, when I slipped and fell. I was holding on to a balcony, when some guy hit me on the fingers with a hammer so I fell, and then dropped a fridge on me."
"I was hiding innnocently in the fridge."
Just a few laughs!
Moderators: daewoomofo, Moderators Group
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john_trickle
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:lmao: :lmao: :lmao:
MMamdouh
MMamdouh
Driving is the utmost fun you can have with your pants on!
Check out my ride: http://www.cardomain.com/ride/567267
Check out my ride: http://www.cardomain.com/ride/567267
Not sure if anyone's seen these... but some of them can be quite funny...
http://www.darwinawards.com/
if you want to read more than are up there in links, click randomizer, and it'll give ya more.
~Kyle
http://www.darwinawards.com/
if you want to read more than are up there in links, click randomizer, and it'll give ya more.
~Kyle
a woo that is a work in progress
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john_trickle
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memory problems this is funny
An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.
When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things.
The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?" He replied, "To the kitchen." She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replied, "Sure." She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He said, "No, I can remember that."
She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that." He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."
With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily: "I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"
When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things.
The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?" He replied, "To the kitchen." She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replied, "Sure." She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He said, "No, I can remember that."
She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that." He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."
With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily: "I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"
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john_trickle
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the barber shop
A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves. A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves. A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop an says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes." In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looked up and said, "To your house."
a maintenance guy is called to the roof of the building he works at about a couple of blocks from his home. he goes to check it out and notices a guy with a sniper rifle. he slowly walks up and asks the guy what he's doin. he says "i'm an assassin hired to kill someone and you're too late i've already done it." the maintenance guy says then " well i'm not gonna turn you in but do you mind if i look through your scope?" the sniper lets him and the guy is looking down the block at his house and sees his wife naked then walks in his next door neighbor. the guy gets all pissed off and asked the sniper how much a hit is. sniper says " i charge $1000 per bullet" the guy was like " i'd like you to shoot my wife in the head and shoot my neighbor in the dick that should teach him a lesson." the sniper sets up for the kill and is just waiting there for about five minutes when the guy finally asks " WTF is taking soo long?" sniper replies "i'm trying to save you a $1000" :lmao:
nick
nick
save a tree, eat a beaver.
:lmao:
MMamdouh
MMamdouh
Driving is the utmost fun you can have with your pants on!
Check out my ride: http://www.cardomain.com/ride/567267
Check out my ride: http://www.cardomain.com/ride/567267
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john_trickle
- Expert
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- Joined: Sun Jun 05, 2005 10:04 am
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Free Drinks
Two drunks were sitting on a street corner wondering if they should buy a beer with their last dollar. One of the drunks suggested that they buy a hotdog. The other started bitching, complaining that he couldn't drink a hotdog. The other drunk told him his idea.
"What we do is buy a hotdog, go into a bar, and order two drinks. After we drink our beers you drop down to your knees, and I'll unzip my pants and pull out the hotdog so you can suck on it. The bartender will throw us out thinking we're queers."
The other drunk thought this was a great idea, so they bought a hotdog. They went into the first bar, ordered their drinks, and drank them quickly. Then the drunk dropped to his knees and started to suck the hotdog. Sure enough, the bartender kicked them out thinking they were queer.
They hit about ten or fifteen bars when the first drunk started to complain about his knees hurting. He asked if in the next bar the other drunk would do the dirty work.
The second drunk said, "I'd rather not. I lost the hotdog after about the fifth bar."
"What we do is buy a hotdog, go into a bar, and order two drinks. After we drink our beers you drop down to your knees, and I'll unzip my pants and pull out the hotdog so you can suck on it. The bartender will throw us out thinking we're queers."
The other drunk thought this was a great idea, so they bought a hotdog. They went into the first bar, ordered their drinks, and drank them quickly. Then the drunk dropped to his knees and started to suck the hotdog. Sure enough, the bartender kicked them out thinking they were queer.
They hit about ten or fifteen bars when the first drunk started to complain about his knees hurting. He asked if in the next bar the other drunk would do the dirty work.
The second drunk said, "I'd rather not. I lost the hotdog after about the fifth bar."
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john_trickle
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- Joined: Sun Jun 05, 2005 10:04 am
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Hi Dave
Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave, how ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser". "No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them."
A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?" Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him. The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave, how ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser". "No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them."
A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?" Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him. The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."
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john_trickle
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Listen
A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells, "PIG!!"
The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, "BITCH!!"
They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.
If only men would listen
The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, "BITCH!!"
They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.
If only men would listen
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john_trickle
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- Contact:
Gas Grill
A couple had been married 15 years. One afternoon they were working in thegarden together.
As the wife was bending over pulling weeds the husband said, "Hey honey, you are getting fat. Your butt is getting huge. I bet it's as big as the gas grill now."
The husband feeling he needed to prove his point, got a yardstick, measured the grill and then measured his wife's butt.
"Yep," he said, "Just what I thought, just about the same size."
The wife got very incensed and decided to let him do the gardening alone. She went inside and didn't speak to her husband the rest of the day.
That evening when they went to bed, the husband cuddled up to his wife and said, "How about it, hon? How about a little lovemaking?"
The wife rolled over and turned her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder. "What's the matter?" he asked.
To which she replied, "You don't think I'm going to fire up this big gas grill for one little weenie, do you?"
As the wife was bending over pulling weeds the husband said, "Hey honey, you are getting fat. Your butt is getting huge. I bet it's as big as the gas grill now."
The husband feeling he needed to prove his point, got a yardstick, measured the grill and then measured his wife's butt.
"Yep," he said, "Just what I thought, just about the same size."
The wife got very incensed and decided to let him do the gardening alone. She went inside and didn't speak to her husband the rest of the day.
That evening when they went to bed, the husband cuddled up to his wife and said, "How about it, hon? How about a little lovemaking?"
The wife rolled over and turned her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder. "What's the matter?" he asked.
To which she replied, "You don't think I'm going to fire up this big gas grill for one little weenie, do you?"
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TheGreatAndPowerfulOz
- All Powerful
- Posts: 2767
- Joined: Thu May 01, 2003 10:37 pm
- Location: Virginia, USA
- Contact:
New Rule #1:
Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a
reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't
particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of
the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
New Rule #2:
Ladies, leave your eyeows alone.
Here's how much men care about your eyeows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule #3:
There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap
at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but
flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour
some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule #4:
Girls, just because your tattoo has Chinese characters
in it doesn't make you spiritual. Come on, it's right above the
crack of your ass and it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time
you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't
pregnant. You're not spiritual. You were just high when you picked it out."
New Rule #5:
If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows,
then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see
what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason
something was a television show in the first place is the idea
wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule #6:
No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now
it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy
it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a
reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't
particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of
the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
New Rule #2:
Ladies, leave your eyeows alone.
Here's how much men care about your eyeows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule #3:
There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap
at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but
flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour
some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule #4:
Girls, just because your tattoo has Chinese characters
in it doesn't make you spiritual. Come on, it's right above the
crack of your ass and it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time
you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't
pregnant. You're not spiritual. You were just high when you picked it out."
New Rule #5:
If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows,
then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see
what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason
something was a television show in the first place is the idea
wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule #6:
No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now
it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy
it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.