Just a few laughs!
Moderators: daewoomofo, Moderators Group
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BosnianLanos
- Expert
- Posts: 1661
- Joined: Thu May 27, 2004 10:31 pm
- Location: Clearwater, Florida
- Contact:
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TheGreatAndPowerfulOz
- All Powerful
- Posts: 2767
- Joined: Thu May 01, 2003 10:37 pm
- Location: Virginia, USA
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Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top-of-the-line Mercedes for his birthday."
The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand-new jet for his birthday."
The third man said, "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked, "What are all the congratulations for?"
One of the three said, "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons...What about your son?"
The fourth man replied, "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."
The three friends said, "What a shame...what a disappointment."
The fourth man replied, "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too badly either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand-new jet and a top-of-the-line Mercedes from his three boyfriends."
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose and still heavily sedated from a four hour operation. A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet.
?Nurse", he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know?I'm only here to wash your hands and feet."
He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?"
Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his privates and jiggles them around a bit, takes a close look and says,
?There's nothing wrong with them!"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask and says very slowly,
"That was very nice??but listen very, very closely:
Are...my...tests...results...back?
The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top-of-the-line Mercedes for his birthday."
The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand-new jet for his birthday."
The third man said, "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked, "What are all the congratulations for?"
One of the three said, "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons...What about your son?"
The fourth man replied, "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."
The three friends said, "What a shame...what a disappointment."
The fourth man replied, "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too badly either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand-new jet and a top-of-the-line Mercedes from his three boyfriends."
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose and still heavily sedated from a four hour operation. A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet.
?Nurse", he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know?I'm only here to wash your hands and feet."
He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?"
Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his privates and jiggles them around a bit, takes a close look and says,
?There's nothing wrong with them!"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask and says very slowly,
"That was very nice??but listen very, very closely:
Are...my...tests...results...back?
save a tree, eat a beaver.
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Audacity Racing
- moron
- Posts: 4493
- Joined: Wed Dec 08, 2004 5:18 am
- Location: Knoxville, Tennessee
- Contact:
MMamdouh
Driving is the utmost fun you can have with your pants on!
Check out my ride: http://www.cardomain.com/ride/567267
Check out my ride: http://www.cardomain.com/ride/567267
One Tuesday evening, two confirmed bachelors were talking when the conversation eventually drifted from sports to politics, and then on to cooking.
The first guy said, "I got a cookbook once, but I could never do anything with it."
"Too much fancy stuff in it, eh?" asked the other bachelor.
"You said it." the first guy replied. "Every one of those recipes began the same way, 'Take a clean dish . . .' "
The first guy said, "I got a cookbook once, but I could never do anything with it."
"Too much fancy stuff in it, eh?" asked the other bachelor.
"You said it." the first guy replied. "Every one of those recipes began the same way, 'Take a clean dish . . .' "
Light without shadow is blindness.
Question:
What is the truest definition of Globalization?
Answer:
Princess Diana's death.
Question:
How come?
Answer:
An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whiskey, followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles, treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines!
And this is posted to you by a Kuwaiti, using Bill Gates' technology, and you're probably reading this on one of the IBM clones, that use Taiwanese made chips, and a Korean made monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by lorries driven by Indians, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian ngshoremen, trucked by Mexican illegal, and finally sold to you by Jews.
That, my friends, is Globalization!
What is the truest definition of Globalization?
Answer:
Princess Diana's death.
Question:
How come?
Answer:
An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whiskey, followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles, treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines!
And this is posted to you by a Kuwaiti, using Bill Gates' technology, and you're probably reading this on one of the IBM clones, that use Taiwanese made chips, and a Korean made monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by lorries driven by Indians, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian ngshoremen, trucked by Mexican illegal, and finally sold to you by Jews.
That, my friends, is Globalization!
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delphis
- Expert
- Posts: 724
- Joined: Tue Mar 01, 2005 7:05 pm
- Location: San Fransisco Bay Area
- Contact:
Dear Red States,
We're ticked off at the way you've treated California, and we've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us.
In case you aren't aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.
To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get Elliot Spitzer. You get Ken Lay.
We get the Statue of Liberty. You get OpryLand. We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom. We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.
We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama. We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay their fair share.
Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.
Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home.
We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's quagmire.
With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.
With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.
We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.
Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.
By the way, we're taking the good pot, too.
You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico.
Sincerely,
Author Unknown, in New California
We're ticked off at the way you've treated California, and we've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us.
In case you aren't aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.
To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get Elliot Spitzer. You get Ken Lay.
We get the Statue of Liberty. You get OpryLand. We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom. We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.
We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama. We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay their fair share.
Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.
Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home.
We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's quagmire.
With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.
With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.
We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.
Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.
By the way, we're taking the good pot, too.
You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico.
Sincerely,
Author Unknown, in New California
1989 240sx fastback with SR20DE
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Audacity Racing
- moron
- Posts: 4493
- Joined: Wed Dec 08, 2004 5:18 am
- Location: Knoxville, Tennessee
- Contact:
SUBJECT: WAL-MART DOCTOR
One day, in line at a company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars... a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So, Joe puts a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-mart. He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
Thank you for shopping @ Wal-mart.
That afternoon, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. When he got home, he mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter and his own sperm sample for good measure, and hurried to Wal-mart before it closed, eager to check the results. He deposited ten dollars, poured in his concoction, and awaited the results.
The computer lights up, and ten seconds later prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener kit. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.(Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4 Your wife is pregnant, Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
THANK YOU FOR SHOPPING @ WAL-MART.
One day, in line at a company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars... a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So, Joe puts a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-mart. He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
Thank you for shopping @ Wal-mart.
That afternoon, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. When he got home, he mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter and his own sperm sample for good measure, and hurried to Wal-mart before it closed, eager to check the results. He deposited ten dollars, poured in his concoction, and awaited the results.
The computer lights up, and ten seconds later prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener kit. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.(Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4 Your wife is pregnant, Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
THANK YOU FOR SHOPPING @ WAL-MART.
very nice one
MMamdouh
MMamdouh
Driving is the utmost fun you can have with your pants on!
Check out my ride: http://www.cardomain.com/ride/567267
Check out my ride: http://www.cardomain.com/ride/567267
A man checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so he thought he'd get him one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab.
He grabbed a card on his way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up. So he's in his room and figures, what the hell, I'll give her a call.
"Hello?" the woman says. God, she sounded sexy.
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks, Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?"
She says, "That sounds fantastic sir, but for an outside line you need to press 9."
MMamdouh
He grabbed a card on his way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up. So he's in his room and figures, what the hell, I'll give her a call.
"Hello?" the woman says. God, she sounded sexy.
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks, Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?"
She says, "That sounds fantastic sir, but for an outside line you need to press 9."
MMamdouh
Driving is the utmost fun you can have with your pants on!
Check out my ride: http://www.cardomain.com/ride/567267
Check out my ride: http://www.cardomain.com/ride/567267
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kinkyllama
- Expert
- Posts: 3772
- Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2004 4:47 am
- Location: USA, Arizona
- Contact:
ahahahah thanks guys!
thanks guys!www.KinkyMotorsports.com
04' Dropped Foreno
-Coil-overs, sway bars, 13" brakes, LSD, 235mm tires, the works
-Turbo in the works
01' Lanos Sport
-Undergoing 2.0 swap w/ lots of performance bits
http://www.cardomain.com/id/kinkyllama
04' Dropped Foreno
-Coil-overs, sway bars, 13" brakes, LSD, 235mm tires, the works
-Turbo in the works
01' Lanos Sport
-Undergoing 2.0 swap w/ lots of performance bits
http://www.cardomain.com/id/kinkyllama