Just a few laughs!
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bluesheepbrian
- Expert
- Posts: 459
- Joined: Tue Nov 11, 2003 3:44 am
- Location: Arundel, ME
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Hell there all funny!! Printed them and showed them at work everybody love them.
2002 Daewoo Lanos HB
www.evo-imports.com
www.myspace.com/bluesheepbrian
"Beating a Honda is like banging a fat chick. Everyone can do it but who wants to brag about it?"
www.evo-imports.com
www.myspace.com/bluesheepbrian
"Beating a Honda is like banging a fat chick. Everyone can do it but who wants to brag about it?"
***dialing*** **pick up***
"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," Says Bob. "Is mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy...She's upstairs in the bedroom with uncle Frank."
After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"
"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"
"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroomdoor and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house."
"Okay, Daddy!"
A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.
"Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?"
"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around
screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."
"Oh my God... And what about uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too."
There is a long pause, then Bob says, "Swimming pool?... Is this 854-7039??
MMamdouh
"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," Says Bob. "Is mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy...She's upstairs in the bedroom with uncle Frank."
After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"
"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"
"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroomdoor and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house."
"Okay, Daddy!"
A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.
"Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?"
"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around
screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."
"Oh my God... And what about uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too."
There is a long pause, then Bob says, "Swimming pool?... Is this 854-7039??
MMamdouh
Driving is the utmost fun you can have with your pants on!
Check out my ride: http://www.cardomain.com/ride/567267
Check out my ride: http://www.cardomain.com/ride/567267
One day an employee sends a letter to his boss to increase his salary!!!
Dear Bo$$
In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company.
I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.
Your$ $incerely,
Norman $oh
The next day, the employee recieved this letter of reply:
Dear NOrman,
I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet.
NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.
I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.
Yours truly,
Manager
MMamdouh
Dear Bo$$
In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company.
I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.
Your$ $incerely,
Norman $oh
The next day, the employee recieved this letter of reply:
Dear NOrman,
I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet.
NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.
I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.
Yours truly,
Manager
MMamdouh
Driving is the utmost fun you can have with your pants on!
Check out my ride: http://www.cardomain.com/ride/567267
Check out my ride: http://www.cardomain.com/ride/567267
Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can`t think of anything I need. $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on
The Reply:
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can`t think of anything I need. $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on
The Reply:
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad
CHINESE PROVERBS
Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright
organ.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to
Bangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on
earth.
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright
organ.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to
Bangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on
earth.
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant. This program is known as 'Millennia Year Application Software System' (MYASS).
Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS. We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands.
Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS. Last week my secretary said to me, 'I'm a little nervous, I never put anything in MYASS before.' I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS.
There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS. This database will encompass all information associated with the business.
As you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and say, 'here, stick this in MYASS.' It will be a great day when we need data quickly and our employees can respond, 'Here it is, I just pulled it out of MYASS.'
Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS. We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands.
Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS. Last week my secretary said to me, 'I'm a little nervous, I never put anything in MYASS before.' I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS.
There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS. This database will encompass all information associated with the business.
As you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and say, 'here, stick this in MYASS.' It will be a great day when we need data quickly and our employees can respond, 'Here it is, I just pulled it out of MYASS.'
Learn Chinese in 5 minutes...
1) That's not right ........................ ....Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive?.......... Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP...............................Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man.................................. .Dum Fuk
5) Small Horse................................. Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach? ...............Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped into a coffee table ......... ..Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
I think you need a face lift .............. Chin Tu Fat
9) It's very dark in here .................... ..Wao So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet ........ ..Wai Yu Mun Ching?
11) This is a tow away zone ............... No Pah King
12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week ... Wai Yu Kum Nao?
13) Staying out of sight .......................Lei Ying Lo
14) He's cleaning his automobile .........Wa Shing Ka
15) Your body odor is offensive ........... Yu Stin Ki Pu
16) Great .......................................... Fa Kin Su Pah
1) That's not right ........................ ....Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive?.......... Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP...............................Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man.................................. .Dum Fuk
5) Small Horse................................. Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach? ...............Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped into a coffee table ......... ..Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
I think you need a face lift .............. Chin Tu Fat 9) It's very dark in here .................... ..Wao So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet ........ ..Wai Yu Mun Ching?
11) This is a tow away zone ............... No Pah King
12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week ... Wai Yu Kum Nao?
13) Staying out of sight .......................Lei Ying Lo
14) He's cleaning his automobile .........Wa Shing Ka
15) Your body odor is offensive ........... Yu Stin Ki Pu
16) Great .......................................... Fa Kin Su Pah
lolasam wrote:Learn Chinese in 5 minutes...
1) That's not right ........................ ....Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive?.......... Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP...............................Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man.................................. .Dum Fuk
5) Small Horse................................. Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach? ...............Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped into a coffee table ......... ..Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
9) It's very dark in here .................... ..Wao So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet ........ ..Wai Yu Mun Ching?
11) This is a tow away zone ............... No Pah King
12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week ... Wai Yu Kum Nao?
13) Staying out of sight .......................Lei Ying Lo
14) He's cleaning his automobile .........Wa Shing Ka
15) Your body odor is offensive ........... Yu Stin Ki Pu
16) Great .......................................... Fa Kin Su Pah
Fa Kin Su Pah indeedasam wrote:Learn Chinese in 5 minutes...
1) That's not right ........................ ....Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive?.......... Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP...............................Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man.................................. .Dum Fuk
5) Small Horse................................. Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach? ...............Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped into a coffee table ......... ..Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
9) It's very dark in here .................... ..Wao So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet ........ ..Wai Yu Mun Ching?
11) This is a tow away zone ............... No Pah King
12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week ... Wai Yu Kum Nao?
13) Staying out of sight .......................Lei Ying Lo
14) He's cleaning his automobile .........Wa Shing Ka
15) Your body odor is offensive ........... Yu Stin Ki Pu
16) Great .......................................... Fa Kin Su Pah
MMamdouh
Driving is the utmost fun you can have with your pants on!
Check out my ride: http://www.cardomain.com/ride/567267
Check out my ride: http://www.cardomain.com/ride/567267
The National Highway Safety Council has done extensive testing on a newly designed seat belt. Results show that accidents can be reduced by as much as 45% when the belt is properly installed.
MMamdouh
MMamdouh
Driving is the utmost fun you can have with your pants on!
Check out my ride: http://www.cardomain.com/ride/567267
Check out my ride: http://www.cardomain.com/ride/567267
A perfect illustration of a "work arround".
No comment
a replica for Piza tower
new english version 4.7
newer english version 5.2
would you let a Dr. with that name go any near your teeth??
No comment
a replica for Piza tower
new english version 4.7
newer english version 5.2
would you let a Dr. with that name go any near your teeth??
Driving is the utmost fun you can have with your pants on!
Check out my ride: http://www.cardomain.com/ride/567267
Check out my ride: http://www.cardomain.com/ride/567267
WARNING: too much use of the F word. if you don't like that don't read... you will be missing a hell of a laugh though.
*What happens if you say, "Fuck You" to presidents or Prime minister?*
_*U.S.A.*_
Nothing happens, you become famous, they make you write a book and you make millions of dollars. But meanwhile the President sues you and gets all the money you have.
*_ENGLAND_*
The Prime minister says "fuck you" to you too.
*_FRANCE_*
Millions of people supports you and says "fuck you" to the president. Meanwhile the president of France writes poems because of his sadness.
*_JAPAN_*
The Prime minister says "I'm sorry; I'm not interested on your body."
*_GERMANY_*
The police come and say "Please don't fuck the president".
*_SWEDEN_*
People vote if they accept you to fuck the Prime minister or not.
If the answer is yes you fuck the Prime minister. If the answer is no, the Prime minister shakes your hand.
*_ROMANIA_*
The president starts dancing with you with gypsy music.
*_TURKEY_*
The president takes his gun and shoots you. He goes to jail for 8 years or escapes the country and Greece welcomes him as a political refugee.
*_CHINA
_*The Prime minister will literally fuck you.
*_ITALY_*
You get price quotes from the mafia for realizing your passion.
*_RUSSIA_*
The president kisses your mouth.
*_
SAUDI ARABIA_*
You say, "Fuck you" to the president ... But, there is no president, you become foolish. But if you say "fuck you" to the king, the king cuts your tongue...
*_EGYPT_*
You say "Fuck you" to the president ?!?
You are too late my friend, you've already been "Fucked" by the president long time ago and you didn't know!
no offence to any of the above mentioned country?s citizens.
MMamdouh
*What happens if you say, "Fuck You" to presidents or Prime minister?*
_*U.S.A.*_
Nothing happens, you become famous, they make you write a book and you make millions of dollars. But meanwhile the President sues you and gets all the money you have.
*_ENGLAND_*
The Prime minister says "fuck you" to you too.
*_FRANCE_*
Millions of people supports you and says "fuck you" to the president. Meanwhile the president of France writes poems because of his sadness.
*_JAPAN_*
The Prime minister says "I'm sorry; I'm not interested on your body."
*_GERMANY_*
The police come and say "Please don't fuck the president".
*_SWEDEN_*
People vote if they accept you to fuck the Prime minister or not.
If the answer is yes you fuck the Prime minister. If the answer is no, the Prime minister shakes your hand.
*_ROMANIA_*
The president starts dancing with you with gypsy music.
*_TURKEY_*
The president takes his gun and shoots you. He goes to jail for 8 years or escapes the country and Greece welcomes him as a political refugee.
*_CHINA
_*The Prime minister will literally fuck you.
*_ITALY_*
You get price quotes from the mafia for realizing your passion.
*_RUSSIA_*
The president kisses your mouth.
*_
SAUDI ARABIA_*
You say, "Fuck you" to the president ... But, there is no president, you become foolish. But if you say "fuck you" to the king, the king cuts your tongue...
*_EGYPT_*
You say "Fuck you" to the president ?!?
You are too late my friend, you've already been "Fucked" by the president long time ago and you didn't know!
no offence to any of the above mentioned country?s citizens.
MMamdouh
Driving is the utmost fun you can have with your pants on!
Check out my ride: http://www.cardomain.com/ride/567267
Check out my ride: http://www.cardomain.com/ride/567267
Difference between boys and girls when getting cash from an ATM
Boys:
1- Drive to the bank, park, go to the Cash Dispenser
2- Insert card
3- Dial code and desired amount
4-Take the cash and the card
************************************************
Girls:
1-Drive to the bank
2-Check make-up in the mirror
3- Apply perfume
4- Manually check haircut
5- Park car - failure
6- Park car - failure
7- Park car - success
8- Search for the card in the handbag
9- Insert card, rejected by the machine
10- Throw phone card back in handbag
11- look for bank card
12- Insert card
13- Look for piece of paper where secret code is written in handbag
14- Enter code
15-Study instructions for 2 minutes
16- #Cancel#
17- Re-enter code
18- #Cancel#
19- Call husband to get correct code
20- Enter desired amount
21- #Error#
22- Enter bigger amount
23- #Error#
24- Enter maximum amount
25- Cross fingers
26- Take cash
27- Go back to the car
28- Check make-up in rear mirror
29- Look for keys in handbag
30- Start car
31- Drive 50 meters
32- STOP
33- Drive back to bank machine
34- Go out of the car
35- Take card back from machine
36- Go back to the car
37- Throw card on passenger seat
38- Check make-up in rear mirror
39- Manually check haircut
40- Go into roundabout - wrong way
41- BREAK
42- Go into roundabout - right way
43- Drive 5 kilometers
44- Remove hand break
MMamdouh
Boys:
1- Drive to the bank, park, go to the Cash Dispenser
2- Insert card
3- Dial code and desired amount
4-Take the cash and the card
************************************************
Girls:
1-Drive to the bank
2-Check make-up in the mirror
3- Apply perfume
4- Manually check haircut
5- Park car - failure
6- Park car - failure
7- Park car - success
8- Search for the card in the handbag
9- Insert card, rejected by the machine
10- Throw phone card back in handbag
11- look for bank card
12- Insert card
13- Look for piece of paper where secret code is written in handbag
14- Enter code
15-Study instructions for 2 minutes
16- #Cancel#
17- Re-enter code
18- #Cancel#
19- Call husband to get correct code
20- Enter desired amount
21- #Error#
22- Enter bigger amount
23- #Error#
24- Enter maximum amount
25- Cross fingers
26- Take cash
27- Go back to the car
28- Check make-up in rear mirror
29- Look for keys in handbag
30- Start car
31- Drive 50 meters
32- STOP
33- Drive back to bank machine
34- Go out of the car
35- Take card back from machine
36- Go back to the car
37- Throw card on passenger seat
38- Check make-up in rear mirror
39- Manually check haircut
40- Go into roundabout - wrong way
41- BREAK
42- Go into roundabout - right way
43- Drive 5 kilometers
44- Remove hand break
MMamdouh
Driving is the utmost fun you can have with your pants on!
Check out my ride: http://www.cardomain.com/ride/567267
Check out my ride: http://www.cardomain.com/ride/567267