A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."
The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph. She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you." Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases.
She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.
She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 80 mph.
She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"
The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."
She asks, "Really? What's that?"
The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got the airbag." :twisted:
MMamdouh
Just a few laughs!
Moderators: daewoomofo, Moderators Group
Just a few laughs!
Last edited by MMamdouh on Wed Dec 14, 2005 11:09 am, edited 2 times in total.
Driving is the utmost fun you can have with your pants on!
Check out my ride: http://www.cardomain.com/ride/567267
Check out my ride: http://www.cardomain.com/ride/567267
The wife is busy frying eggs, when her husband comes home.... He walks into the kitchen and immediately starts yelling: "CAREFUL!!! CAREFUL!!! MORE OIL!!! TURN THEM!!! TURN THEM NOW!!! WE NEED MORE OIL!!! THEY ARE GOING TO STICK!!! CAREFUL!!! CAREFUL!!! TURN THEM!!! TURN THEM!!! HURRY UP!!! ARE YOU CRAZY!!!! THE OIL IS GOING TO SPILL!!! USE MORE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!!"
The wife is very upset:
"What the hell is wrong with you? Why are you yelling like this? Do you think I don't know how to fry an egg?"
The husband calmly replies: "This is to show you what it feels like, when I am driving and you sit next to me..."
MMamdouh
The wife is very upset:
"What the hell is wrong with you? Why are you yelling like this? Do you think I don't know how to fry an egg?"
The husband calmly replies: "This is to show you what it feels like, when I am driving and you sit next to me..."
MMamdouh
Driving is the utmost fun you can have with your pants on!
Check out my ride: http://www.cardomain.com/ride/567267
Check out my ride: http://www.cardomain.com/ride/567267
Amazing facts!!
1) Coca-Cola was originally green.
2) The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
3) The name of all the continents ends with the same letter that they start with.
4) The strongest muscle in the body is the jaws muscle.
5) TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
6) Women blink nearly twice as much as men!!
7) You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.
8 ) It is impossible to lick your elbow.
9) People say "Bless you" when you sneeze because when you sneeze, your heart stops for a millisecond.
10) It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.
11) The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.
12) If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die.
13) Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history.
I) Spades - King David .. II) Clubs - Alexander the Great ..
III) Hearts - Charlemagne... IV) Diamonds - Julius Caesar.
14) 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
15) If a statue of a person in the park on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front >leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
16) What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers all have in common? Ans. - All invented by women.
17) Question: This is the only food that doesn't spoil. What is this? Answer: Honey
18 ) A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
19) A snail can sleep for three years.
20) All polar bears are left handed.
21) American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.
22) Butterflies taste with their feet.
23) Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
24) In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
25) On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.
26) Shakespeare invented the word 'assassination' and 'bump'.
27) Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.
28 ) The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
29) The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
30) The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
31) Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over million descendants.
32) Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.
33) The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
34) Most lipstick contains fish scales.
35) Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.
36) And finally 99% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow !!!!!
MMamdouh
1) Coca-Cola was originally green.
2) The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
3) The name of all the continents ends with the same letter that they start with.
4) The strongest muscle in the body is the jaws muscle.
5) TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
6) Women blink nearly twice as much as men!!
7) You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.
8 ) It is impossible to lick your elbow.
9) People say "Bless you" when you sneeze because when you sneeze, your heart stops for a millisecond.
10) It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.
11) The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.
12) If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die.
13) Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history.
I) Spades - King David .. II) Clubs - Alexander the Great ..
III) Hearts - Charlemagne... IV) Diamonds - Julius Caesar.
14) 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
15) If a statue of a person in the park on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front >leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
16) What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers all have in common? Ans. - All invented by women.
17) Question: This is the only food that doesn't spoil. What is this? Answer: Honey
18 ) A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
19) A snail can sleep for three years.
20) All polar bears are left handed.
21) American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.
22) Butterflies taste with their feet.
23) Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
24) In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
25) On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.
26) Shakespeare invented the word 'assassination' and 'bump'.
27) Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.
28 ) The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
29) The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
30) The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
31) Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over million descendants.
32) Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.
33) The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
34) Most lipstick contains fish scales.
35) Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.
36) And finally 99% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow !!!!!
MMamdouh
Last edited by MMamdouh on Tue Mar 08, 2005 12:05 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Driving is the utmost fun you can have with your pants on!
Check out my ride: http://www.cardomain.com/ride/567267
Check out my ride: http://www.cardomain.com/ride/567267
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."
The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."
P.S: i'm really sorry for the language but that was funny as hell
MMamdouh
The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."
P.S: i'm really sorry for the language but that was funny as hell
MMamdouh
Driving is the utmost fun you can have with your pants on!
Check out my ride: http://www.cardomain.com/ride/567267
Check out my ride: http://www.cardomain.com/ride/567267
TWO-MINUTES MANAGMENT COURSE
Lesson One
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit
saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"
The eagle answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground
below the eagle and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Management Lesson -
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson Two
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to
the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him
enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second
branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top
of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of
the tree.
Management Lesson -
Bull shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Lesson Three
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird
froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying
there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to
realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy,
and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow
dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Management Lesson -
1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut !!!
MMamdouh
Lesson One
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit
saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"
The eagle answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground
below the eagle and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Management Lesson -
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson Two
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to
the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him
enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second
branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top
of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of
the tree.
Management Lesson -
Bull shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Lesson Three
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird
froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying
there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to
realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy,
and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow
dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Management Lesson -
1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut !!!
MMamdouh
Driving is the utmost fun you can have with your pants on!
Check out my ride: http://www.cardomain.com/ride/567267
Check out my ride: http://www.cardomain.com/ride/567267
Here are 3 funny phone answering machine messages:
1. Hi, I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
2. Hi, this is John. If you are the phone company, I've already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
3. Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
MMamdouh
1. Hi, I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
2. Hi, this is John. If you are the phone company, I've already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
3. Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
MMamdouh
Driving is the utmost fun you can have with your pants on!
Check out my ride: http://www.cardomain.com/ride/567267
Check out my ride: http://www.cardomain.com/ride/567267
Chitchat in heaven
Two women are in heaven: One woman says to another, "how did you die?"
"I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful" says the first woman.
"How does it feel to freeze to death?" "It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second woman. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping."
"How about you, how did you die?" asked the second woman. "I had a heart attack," says the first woman. "You see I knew my husband was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found him alone watching TV. I ran to the basement, but no one was hiding there either. I ran to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I get there, I had a massive heart attack and died."
The second woman shakes her head. "What a pity .. if you had only looked in the! freezer, we'd both still be alive!!! "
MMamdouh
Two women are in heaven: One woman says to another, "how did you die?"
"I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful" says the first woman.
"How does it feel to freeze to death?" "It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second woman. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping."
"How about you, how did you die?" asked the second woman. "I had a heart attack," says the first woman. "You see I knew my husband was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found him alone watching TV. I ran to the basement, but no one was hiding there either. I ran to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I get there, I had a massive heart attack and died."
The second woman shakes her head. "What a pity .. if you had only looked in the! freezer, we'd both still be alive!!! "
MMamdouh
Driving is the utmost fun you can have with your pants on!
Check out my ride: http://www.cardomain.com/ride/567267
Check out my ride: http://www.cardomain.com/ride/567267
Men vs. Women in out of home coverups
Women:
A wife was not at home for a whole night. So she tells her husband, the very next morning, that she stayed at her girlfriend's apartment over night. So the husband calls 10 of her best girlfriends and none of them confirm that.
Men:
A husband was not at home for a whole night. So he tells his wife the very next morning, that he stayed at his friend's apartment over night. So the wife calls 10 of his best friends and 5 of them confirm that he stayed at their apartments that night and the other 5 are claiming that he is still with them.
MMamdouh
Women:
A wife was not at home for a whole night. So she tells her husband, the very next morning, that she stayed at her girlfriend's apartment over night. So the husband calls 10 of her best girlfriends and none of them confirm that.
Men:
A husband was not at home for a whole night. So he tells his wife the very next morning, that he stayed at his friend's apartment over night. So the wife calls 10 of his best friends and 5 of them confirm that he stayed at their apartments that night and the other 5 are claiming that he is still with them.
MMamdouh
Driving is the utmost fun you can have with your pants on!
Check out my ride: http://www.cardomain.com/ride/567267
Check out my ride: http://www.cardomain.com/ride/567267
NO COMMENT ABOUT EGYPTIANS WAY IN DEALING WITH THINGS......
NASA was interviewing professionals they were thinking of sending to Mars.
The touchy part was that only one guy could go and it would be a one-way trip, the guy will never return to Earth.
The interviewer asked the first applicant, an American engineer: how much he wanted to be paid for going?
"One million dollars," the engineer answered. "And I want to donate it all to my Alma mater-Rice University."
The next applicant was a Russian doctor, and the interviewer asked him the same question.
"Two millions dollars," the doctor said. "I want to give a million to my family and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."
The last applicant was an Egyptian one. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear: "Three million dollars."
"Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked. The Egyptian guy replied, "You give me three million, I'll give you one million, I'll keep a million, and we'll send the American engineer."
:twisted:
MMamdouh
NASA was interviewing professionals they were thinking of sending to Mars.
The touchy part was that only one guy could go and it would be a one-way trip, the guy will never return to Earth.
The interviewer asked the first applicant, an American engineer: how much he wanted to be paid for going?
"One million dollars," the engineer answered. "And I want to donate it all to my Alma mater-Rice University."
The next applicant was a Russian doctor, and the interviewer asked him the same question.
"Two millions dollars," the doctor said. "I want to give a million to my family and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."
The last applicant was an Egyptian one. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear: "Three million dollars."
"Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked. The Egyptian guy replied, "You give me three million, I'll give you one million, I'll keep a million, and we'll send the American engineer."
:twisted: MMamdouh
Driving is the utmost fun you can have with your pants on!
Check out my ride: http://www.cardomain.com/ride/567267
Check out my ride: http://www.cardomain.com/ride/567267
Manufacturing contest
A major manufacturing contest was held and their were three participants; an American, Japanese and Egyptian company.
The American company started by saying: "we have the most advanced technology" then they splinted a man's hair into 20 pieces.
The Japanese took one part of the 20 parts of the man's hair splinted by the Americans and made a hole in it and they said: "advanced technology my ass... we invented the advanced technology and we are still the gods of technology!"
The Egyptians said nothing... they just took the ported hair of the Japanese, put it in a box and sticked a label that says: Made In Egypt
MMamdouh
A major manufacturing contest was held and their were three participants; an American, Japanese and Egyptian company.
The American company started by saying: "we have the most advanced technology" then they splinted a man's hair into 20 pieces.
The Japanese took one part of the 20 parts of the man's hair splinted by the Americans and made a hole in it and they said: "advanced technology my ass... we invented the advanced technology and we are still the gods of technology!"
The Egyptians said nothing... they just took the ported hair of the Japanese, put it in a box and sticked a label that says: Made In Egypt
MMamdouh
Driving is the utmost fun you can have with your pants on!
Check out my ride: http://www.cardomain.com/ride/567267
Check out my ride: http://www.cardomain.com/ride/567267
-
TheGreatAndPowerfulOz
- All Powerful
- Posts: 2767
- Joined: Thu May 01, 2003 10:37 pm
- Location: Virginia, USA
- Contact:
Bob's wife goes out to buy a car. The salesman says, I recommend this
one. She asks why. The salesman says, "Because it has hydraulic backspin
brakes. Get in and I'll show you."
He drives the car 100 miles and hour toward a brick wall, and when he's
100 feet away he jams on the brakes. They stop a foot from the wall. The
salesman says, "Do you smell that?" She takes a sniff and says, "Uh-huh."
The salesman says proudly, "That's hydraulic backspin brakes."
That night when Bob gets home, his wife says, "Dear, I bought a car."
Bob asks, "How did you decide which kind to buy?" She says, "I bought one
with hydraulic backspin brakes. Get in and I'll show you."
They get in, and she drives 100 miles an hour toward the same brick wall.
When they are 100 feet away from it she jams on the brakes, and they stop
one foot from the wall. She looks over at her husband and says. "Do you
smell that?"
Bob says, "I ought to! I'm sitting in it."
MMamdouh
one. She asks why. The salesman says, "Because it has hydraulic backspin
brakes. Get in and I'll show you."
He drives the car 100 miles and hour toward a brick wall, and when he's
100 feet away he jams on the brakes. They stop a foot from the wall. The
salesman says, "Do you smell that?" She takes a sniff and says, "Uh-huh."
The salesman says proudly, "That's hydraulic backspin brakes."
That night when Bob gets home, his wife says, "Dear, I bought a car."
Bob asks, "How did you decide which kind to buy?" She says, "I bought one
with hydraulic backspin brakes. Get in and I'll show you."
They get in, and she drives 100 miles an hour toward the same brick wall.
When they are 100 feet away from it she jams on the brakes, and they stop
one foot from the wall. She looks over at her husband and says. "Do you
smell that?"
Bob says, "I ought to! I'm sitting in it."
MMamdouh
Driving is the utmost fun you can have with your pants on!
Check out my ride: http://www.cardomain.com/ride/567267
Check out my ride: http://www.cardomain.com/ride/567267
Recently, a routine police patrol was parked outside a local
neighborhood bar in North Carolina. Late in the evening, the officer
noticed
a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the
officer quietly watching. After what seemed an eternity and trying his
keys
on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his own car which he
fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons
left
the bar and drove off.
Finally, he started his car, switched the wipers on and off (it was
a
dry night), flicked the hazard flasher on and off, tooted the horn and
then
switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches,
reversed
a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as more
patrons
left in their vehicles. At last he pulled out of the parking lot and
started
to drive slowly down the street.
The police officer having patiently waited all this time, now
started
up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man
over
and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement the breathalyzer
indicated no evidence that the man consumed alcohol at all! Dumbfounded,
the
officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station.
This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the man. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
neighborhood bar in North Carolina. Late in the evening, the officer
noticed
a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the
officer quietly watching. After what seemed an eternity and trying his
keys
on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his own car which he
fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons
left
the bar and drove off.
Finally, he started his car, switched the wipers on and off (it was
a
dry night), flicked the hazard flasher on and off, tooted the horn and
then
switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches,
reversed
a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as more
patrons
left in their vehicles. At last he pulled out of the parking lot and
started
to drive slowly down the street.
The police officer having patiently waited all this time, now
started
up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man
over
and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement the breathalyzer
indicated no evidence that the man consumed alcohol at all! Dumbfounded,
the
officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station.
This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the man. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."