The person in question, a woman in a Porsche, as it happens, was pulled
over for speeding by a California Highway Patrol motorcycle officer.
When he walked up to her window and opened his ticket book she said, "I
bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolman's Ball."
He replied, "No, Highway Patrolmen don't have Balls."
There followed a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what
he'd said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left.
John.
Just a few laughs!
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Courtroom Bloopers
Most language is spoken language, and most words, once they are uttered, vanish forever in the air. But such is not the case with courtroom trials, for there exists an army of courtroom reporters whose job it is to take down and preserve every statement made during the proceedings.
Mary Louise Gilman, the venerable editor of the National Shorthand Reporter, has collected many of the more hilarious courtroom bloopers.
Q. What is your brother-in-law's name?
A. Borofkin.
Q. What's his first name?
A. I can't remember.
Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his
first name?
A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair
and pointing to Mr. Borofkin) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your
first name!
Q. Did you ever spend the night with this man in New York?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever spend the night with this man in Chicago?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever spend the night with this man in Miami?
A. No.
Q. Now Mrs.Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?
Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
Q. What is your name?
A. Ernestine McDowell.
Q. And what is your marriage status?
A. Fair.
Q. Are you married?
A. No, I'm divorced.
Q. And what did you husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn't know about.
Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?
A. My ex-widow said it.
Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are?
A. I will be three months November 8th.
Q Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th.
A. Yes.
Q. What were you and your husband doing at the time?
Q. Mrs.Smith, do you believe you are emotionally unstable?
A. I should be.
Q. How many time have you committed suicide.
A. Four.
Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A.All of them.
Q. Were you aquainted with the deceased?
A. Yes sir.
Q. Before or after he died?
Q. What happened then?
A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify
me."
Q. Did he kill you?
A. No.
Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
A. No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q. Did he pick up the dog by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.
Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able,
for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to
go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to
the station?
Mr.Brooks (opposing attorney) - Objection your honor. That question should
be taken out and shot.
Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. Okay? What
school did you go to?
A. Oral.
Q. How old are you?
A. Oral.
Q. Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where
there was a victim?
Q. ...and what did he do then?
A. He came home and the next morning he was dead.
Q. So when he woke up the next morning, he was dead?
Q. Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you
indignities?
A. He didn't offer nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.
Q. So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you
observe with respect to your scalp?
A. I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Q. It was covered?
A. Yes, bandaged.
Q. Then later on, what did you see?
A. I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and
put on top of my head.
Q. Could you see him from where you were standing?
A. I could just see his head.
Q. And where was his head?
A. Just above his shoulder's.
Q. What can you tell us about the truthfulness and veracity of this
defendant?
A. Oh, she told the truth. She said she was going to kill the son of
a bitch, and she did!
Q. Do you drink when you're on duty?
A. I don't drink while I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.
Q. ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder
trial instead of an attempted murder trial.
A. The victim lived.
Q. Are you sexually active?
A. No, I just lie there.
Q. Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A. Yes, I have been
since early childhood.
Q. The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased,
objective witness, isn't it? You too were shot in the fracas?
A. No sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
Q. What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A. It indicates intercourse.
Q. Male sperm?
A. That is the only kind I know.
Q. (Showing man picture), That's you?
A. Yes sir.
Q. And you were present when this picture was taken, right?
Q. Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
John.
Mary Louise Gilman, the venerable editor of the National Shorthand Reporter, has collected many of the more hilarious courtroom bloopers.
Q. What is your brother-in-law's name?
A. Borofkin.
Q. What's his first name?
A. I can't remember.
Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his
first name?
A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair
and pointing to Mr. Borofkin) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your
first name!
Q. Did you ever spend the night with this man in New York?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever spend the night with this man in Chicago?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever spend the night with this man in Miami?
A. No.
Q. Now Mrs.Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?
Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
Q. What is your name?
A. Ernestine McDowell.
Q. And what is your marriage status?
A. Fair.
Q. Are you married?
A. No, I'm divorced.
Q. And what did you husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn't know about.
Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?
A. My ex-widow said it.
Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are?
A. I will be three months November 8th.
Q Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th.
A. Yes.
Q. What were you and your husband doing at the time?
Q. Mrs.Smith, do you believe you are emotionally unstable?
A. I should be.
Q. How many time have you committed suicide.
A. Four.
Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A.All of them.
Q. Were you aquainted with the deceased?
A. Yes sir.
Q. Before or after he died?
Q. What happened then?
A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify
me."
Q. Did he kill you?
A. No.
Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
A. No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q. Did he pick up the dog by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.
Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able,
for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to
go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to
the station?
Mr.Brooks (opposing attorney) - Objection your honor. That question should
be taken out and shot.
Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. Okay? What
school did you go to?
A. Oral.
Q. How old are you?
A. Oral.
Q. Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where
there was a victim?
Q. ...and what did he do then?
A. He came home and the next morning he was dead.
Q. So when he woke up the next morning, he was dead?
Q. Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you
indignities?
A. He didn't offer nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.
Q. So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you
observe with respect to your scalp?
A. I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Q. It was covered?
A. Yes, bandaged.
Q. Then later on, what did you see?
A. I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and
put on top of my head.
Q. Could you see him from where you were standing?
A. I could just see his head.
Q. And where was his head?
A. Just above his shoulder's.
Q. What can you tell us about the truthfulness and veracity of this
defendant?
A. Oh, she told the truth. She said she was going to kill the son of
a bitch, and she did!
Q. Do you drink when you're on duty?
A. I don't drink while I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.
Q. ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder
trial instead of an attempted murder trial.
A. The victim lived.
Q. Are you sexually active?
A. No, I just lie there.
Q. Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A. Yes, I have been
since early childhood.
Q. The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased,
objective witness, isn't it? You too were shot in the fracas?
A. No sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
Q. What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A. It indicates intercourse.
Q. Male sperm?
A. That is the only kind I know.
Q. (Showing man picture), That's you?
A. Yes sir.
Q. And you were present when this picture was taken, right?
Q. Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
John.
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- Contact:
The LAPD, the FBI and the CIA
The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President gets tired of the bickering and decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear, who is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!
John.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear, who is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!
John.
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Something to ponder...
IT IS SATURDAY, a crisp spring afternoon, and you're exactly where you
should be: stretched out on the couch in front of the television, just
about to watch all your favourite TV programmes that you've recorded
over the last few weeks. Opening beer number two, relaxed in the
knowledge that the pizza you ordered is even now on its way. Nothing
could improve this moment, except maybe a bigger television. Suddenly
your girlfriend enters the room and says, "What exactly do you think
you're doing?"
Is this a trick question or what?
Yes, it is. The trick is that no matter how you answer it, you will
immediately find yourself driving down to your nearest home improvement
centre, where you will spend the rest of the afternoon trying to decide
the type of curtain rod that's right for you.
How does this work?
It has as much to do with the nature of the question itself as with
anything else. Women are expert at posing questions that seem to have no
right answer. Here's a common example.
Do I look fat?
There is no answer to this question that won't be interpreted "yes."
"No" means yes. "Yes" means yes. "I don't know" means yes. "It doesn't
matter" means yes. The briefest hint of a pause before speaking means
yes, yes, yes. Most of us would rather go to the dentist than field this
one, yet it may well come up several times a week. Your only real choice
is to say no, clearly and immediately, leaving no possibility for any
subtext, and making it sound like a widely acknowledged fact and not
simply your opinion. This doesn't work, but all the other options are
worse.
There are several other questions for which "no" is the only answer, and
several more that call for an emphatic and unqualified yes. In all of
these cases, elaboration, justification or any attempt to be funny is
unlikely to pay off.
Consult this handy chart:
JUST SAY NO
Is there someone else?
Do you still fantasize about her?
Are you tired of me?
JUST SAY YES
Do you still love me?
Do you ever fantasize about me?
Do you like my hair this way?
Unfortunately, many female inquiries require more than a simple yes or
no response. Some of them are more like riddles. Such as this one:
Which shoes look better?
Typically you're already late for dinner when your girlfriend confronts
you, with one pair of shoes on and another alongside them. This is no
ordinary choice. It's a devious chicken/egg puzzler, the sort of choice
that would lead even Hobson to say to Mrs. Hobson, "Whichever, you old
trout!" If you pick the shoes she already has on, she'll think you're
trying to hurry her. If you pick the other pair, she'll think it's
because you know you can't pick the ones she has on. Some men try a
nonlinear approach and opt for a third, unoffered pair of shoes, but
this is inevitably taken as either an attack on her judgment or an
opportunity for her to attack yours. On no account suggest another
dress. You might as well say, "You're fat." This raises the question of
why she's asking you at all. She knows you don't know which shoes look
better, and she knows you don't care, so why is she trying to elicit
your opinion? This is part of an ongoing campaign to domesticate you. As
part of the same campaign, she will occasionally consult you about
alternative table settings or new towels. In these two cases a
disdainful and dismissive "beats me" should do the trick, but don't try
that with the shoe dilemma, or you'll miss your reservation. Instead,
suggest that she try on the other shoes, then tell her the first ones
look better. This lets you more or less off the hook, as long as you
don't raise a fuss when she decides that the second pair are better
after all.
Where do you see this relationship going?
This could be described as an essay question, since you're obviously not
going to get away with snappy little answers such as "forward" or
"upstairs" or "I dunno." Another problem is that you and your girlfriend
are operating at cross purposes here. She wants a heartfelt expression
of your feelings and an honest assessment of your future together, and
you want an easier question. There is certainly no point in answering a
toe-curling query like this one without at least a rough idea of
precisely what it is she wants to hear. Questions such as this one are a
category unto themselves, i.e., Questions that should be answered with
another question. See how easily some of the more difficult leading
inquiries can be parried through the simple deployment of reflexive
interrogation.
Her: Where do you see this relationship going?
You: Where do *you* see this relationship going?
Her: Do you think she's attractive?
You: Who?
Her: Will you marry me?
You: Where am I?
Her: What if I were pregnant?
You: Are you pregnant?
Her: Why? Do I look fat?
Whoops! We're in a bit of trouble here. You should have seen that
coming. Try a more surreal approach:
Her: What if I were pregnant?
You: What if *we* were pregnant? .... (Cool, huh?)
Some all-purpose question-answers include: How much is a lot? Why do you
ask? Should I be? What are you saying? Does it matter? What's love got
to do with it? Are you talking to me? (Note: Are you having your period?
is not one of these.) Let's try a math question. How many people have
you slept with? Hmmmmm....Now, you can tell her the truth, unless the
truth is more than 12, or you can have a guess at the number she's more
or less expecting. Like most arithmetic problems, the answer is a lot
easier once you have a formula. This one should work as long as neither
of you has sex for a living.
Number of people she's slept with + Number of people she knows you've
slept with + Number of people you actually have slept with.
Add these up and divide by 2. If you round up to the nearest whole
person, you should end up with a realistically healthy but not
particularly shocking number. If the result is greater than 12, then
_say_ 12.
Why don't you lighten up?
This rhetorical gem is used whenever you express your disapproval of
shoplifting or speeding, or whenever you go to a nightclub and spend the
whole time dancing to some unbelievable crap you've never heard and
_then_ go out and _buy_ it! There is no good answer to this question.
You could draw attention to her inconsistency in this matter, noting
that she doesn't like it when you act like a kid or when you act like
your _dad_ (God forbid); then again, if you do that, she's liable to see
your point and break up with you. Speaking of breaking up, how about
this one?
Are you saying you want to end it?
Women, like lawyers, rarely ask a direct question, unless they already
know what the answer will be. As for women lawyers, I don't know what
they do, and I'm pretty sure I don't want to know. The point is, when a
woman asks you this question, she knows you're going to say no. Even if
you want to say yes, you'll say no. You can't turn the question back on
her, because you have no idea what her answer is going to be. If you are
trying to break up with her, you'll have to say no and start the whole
painful process again. If you aren't trying to break up with her, then
it's best to change the subject. Let's try something easier.
Notice anything different about me?
Well, slightly easier. This question is of a piece with two others:
"Have you forgotten what today is?" and "Have you been listening to a
word I've said?" Apart from being questions that are easier to answer
wrong than right, they're the kinds of things women say in sitcoms. They
are best treated in an ironic postmodern context, i.e., just say what
Ward Cleaver would say.
Her: Notice anything different about me?
You: New apron? ... (Ouch!)
Her: Have you forgotten what today is?
You: Of course not. It's Thursday.
Her: Have you been listening to a word I've said?
You: That's nice, dear...
Funny, huh? Well, it's not your fault if she doesn't get it. If she
wants a better answer, she's going to have to start asking better
questions. Questions such as:
Have you taken a look at yourself lately? This question and its cousin,
the almost always uncalled for "Who do you think you are?" are ways of
gently reminding you how much of a factor pity was in her original
decision to go out with you, and how that decision could be rescinded if
you behave in any way that cannot be described as abject. You probably
brought this rebuke on yourself by mentioning that you reckon Brad Pitt
is getting a little chubby or by speculating that Jack Nicholson doesn't
have to wait until his birthday for oral sex. You're not really supposed
to answer either of these questions. You're just supposed to apologise
for your wanton self-esteem-having. Instead of apologizing, just smile.
Your manifold inadequacies as a boyfriend - nay, as a man - are a kind
of revenge all by themselves. Next!
Do you believe in fidelity?
Like most philosophical questions that seem to pop up out of the blue,
this question doesn't pop up out of the blue. This general query about
fidelity is in fact a coded inquiry about the extent of your fidelity on
a specific occasion or occasions. Your response will also have to be
coded. Consult this translation chart before giving your answer:
YOU SAY - Yes
YOU MEAN - How much does she know?
SHE THINKS - He's hiding something.
YOU SAY - It depends
YOU MEAN - How much does she know?
SHE THINKS - I knew it!
YOU SAY - Why do you ask
YOU MEAN - How much does she know?
SHE THINKS - Bastard!
YOU SAY - I dunno. Do you?
YOU MEAN - How much does she know?
SHE THINKS - How much does he know?
There are several more variations, but they're not worth going into. By
the time she asks you this question, you're already in deep trouble. It
doesn't really matter what you say, as long as you don't blush when you
answer.
Let's look at an example that calls for more straightforward lying.
What are you looking at?
She means, "You were looking at that girl, weren't you?" And you thought
you'd perfected that trick of keeping your neck still and just letting
your eyes swivel. Obviously, the truth is not the best answer here. We
all know that the truth can set you free, sometimes before you've found
somewhere else to stay. It may seem easy enough to answer this question
with a cunning lie, but when men are caught offguard, their ability to
deceive is impaired.
Here are a few of the more common mistakes men make when asked,
"What are you looking at?"
Too specific: The rust around the bolts on the handle on the flap of
that mailbox on the northwest corner." Not specific enough: "That
thing." Too good to be true: "A diamond necklace in that window back
there that would be perfect on you." Too true to be good: "A see
through nightie in that window back there that would be perfect on you."
Too obvious: "Nothing." Way too obvious: "That blonde babe over there
with the big...I mean nothing." Here's one that requires a little
interpretation.
What are we going to do now?
This one often crops up whenever some kind of emergency or seemingly
unsolvable problem arises. The part that requires interpretation is the
mysterious "we" in the middle. This means two things: In one sense,
"we" clearly means "you," as in, "What are you going to do now," but
there is also a sense of "we're in this together," implying that you
bear equal responsibility for the fact that she's just dropped her keys
down a grate, or that she stores her jack and spare tire in her garage
so they won't get stolen.
In such situations you'll probably find that the only answer to "What
are we going to do now?" that you can think of is "We are going to break
up. Goodbye." Most likely you'll decide not to say anything. After which
she will probably let loose with the rather ill-advised:
Why don't you say something?
Whether you answer this one is up to you. There is only one question
that you should never, ever answer. Keep silent, cower behind your Fifth
Amendment rights, pretend you didn't hear, run away, whatever, but don't
say anything when she asks:
Should I get all of my hair cut off?
If you say anything, then when she does get all her hair cut off (and
let's face it, she's already made up her mind) and she hates it (and she
will hate it), it will be your fault. Even if you say absolutely
nothing, the best you can hope for is that she will come home with all
her hair cut off, stare you straight in the eye and say:
"Does it make me look fat!!?"
.....You're on your own.....
John.
should be: stretched out on the couch in front of the television, just
about to watch all your favourite TV programmes that you've recorded
over the last few weeks. Opening beer number two, relaxed in the
knowledge that the pizza you ordered is even now on its way. Nothing
could improve this moment, except maybe a bigger television. Suddenly
your girlfriend enters the room and says, "What exactly do you think
you're doing?"
Is this a trick question or what?
Yes, it is. The trick is that no matter how you answer it, you will
immediately find yourself driving down to your nearest home improvement
centre, where you will spend the rest of the afternoon trying to decide
the type of curtain rod that's right for you.
How does this work?
It has as much to do with the nature of the question itself as with
anything else. Women are expert at posing questions that seem to have no
right answer. Here's a common example.
Do I look fat?
There is no answer to this question that won't be interpreted "yes."
"No" means yes. "Yes" means yes. "I don't know" means yes. "It doesn't
matter" means yes. The briefest hint of a pause before speaking means
yes, yes, yes. Most of us would rather go to the dentist than field this
one, yet it may well come up several times a week. Your only real choice
is to say no, clearly and immediately, leaving no possibility for any
subtext, and making it sound like a widely acknowledged fact and not
simply your opinion. This doesn't work, but all the other options are
worse.
There are several other questions for which "no" is the only answer, and
several more that call for an emphatic and unqualified yes. In all of
these cases, elaboration, justification or any attempt to be funny is
unlikely to pay off.
Consult this handy chart:
JUST SAY NO
Is there someone else?
Do you still fantasize about her?
Are you tired of me?
JUST SAY YES
Do you still love me?
Do you ever fantasize about me?
Do you like my hair this way?
Unfortunately, many female inquiries require more than a simple yes or
no response. Some of them are more like riddles. Such as this one:
Which shoes look better?
Typically you're already late for dinner when your girlfriend confronts
you, with one pair of shoes on and another alongside them. This is no
ordinary choice. It's a devious chicken/egg puzzler, the sort of choice
that would lead even Hobson to say to Mrs. Hobson, "Whichever, you old
trout!" If you pick the shoes she already has on, she'll think you're
trying to hurry her. If you pick the other pair, she'll think it's
because you know you can't pick the ones she has on. Some men try a
nonlinear approach and opt for a third, unoffered pair of shoes, but
this is inevitably taken as either an attack on her judgment or an
opportunity for her to attack yours. On no account suggest another
dress. You might as well say, "You're fat." This raises the question of
why she's asking you at all. She knows you don't know which shoes look
better, and she knows you don't care, so why is she trying to elicit
your opinion? This is part of an ongoing campaign to domesticate you. As
part of the same campaign, she will occasionally consult you about
alternative table settings or new towels. In these two cases a
disdainful and dismissive "beats me" should do the trick, but don't try
that with the shoe dilemma, or you'll miss your reservation. Instead,
suggest that she try on the other shoes, then tell her the first ones
look better. This lets you more or less off the hook, as long as you
don't raise a fuss when she decides that the second pair are better
after all.
Where do you see this relationship going?
This could be described as an essay question, since you're obviously not
going to get away with snappy little answers such as "forward" or
"upstairs" or "I dunno." Another problem is that you and your girlfriend
are operating at cross purposes here. She wants a heartfelt expression
of your feelings and an honest assessment of your future together, and
you want an easier question. There is certainly no point in answering a
toe-curling query like this one without at least a rough idea of
precisely what it is she wants to hear. Questions such as this one are a
category unto themselves, i.e., Questions that should be answered with
another question. See how easily some of the more difficult leading
inquiries can be parried through the simple deployment of reflexive
interrogation.
Her: Where do you see this relationship going?
You: Where do *you* see this relationship going?
Her: Do you think she's attractive?
You: Who?
Her: Will you marry me?
You: Where am I?
Her: What if I were pregnant?
You: Are you pregnant?
Her: Why? Do I look fat?
Whoops! We're in a bit of trouble here. You should have seen that
coming. Try a more surreal approach:
Her: What if I were pregnant?
You: What if *we* were pregnant? .... (Cool, huh?)
Some all-purpose question-answers include: How much is a lot? Why do you
ask? Should I be? What are you saying? Does it matter? What's love got
to do with it? Are you talking to me? (Note: Are you having your period?
is not one of these.) Let's try a math question. How many people have
you slept with? Hmmmmm....Now, you can tell her the truth, unless the
truth is more than 12, or you can have a guess at the number she's more
or less expecting. Like most arithmetic problems, the answer is a lot
easier once you have a formula. This one should work as long as neither
of you has sex for a living.
Number of people she's slept with + Number of people she knows you've
slept with + Number of people you actually have slept with.
Add these up and divide by 2. If you round up to the nearest whole
person, you should end up with a realistically healthy but not
particularly shocking number. If the result is greater than 12, then
_say_ 12.
Why don't you lighten up?
This rhetorical gem is used whenever you express your disapproval of
shoplifting or speeding, or whenever you go to a nightclub and spend the
whole time dancing to some unbelievable crap you've never heard and
_then_ go out and _buy_ it! There is no good answer to this question.
You could draw attention to her inconsistency in this matter, noting
that she doesn't like it when you act like a kid or when you act like
your _dad_ (God forbid); then again, if you do that, she's liable to see
your point and break up with you. Speaking of breaking up, how about
this one?
Are you saying you want to end it?
Women, like lawyers, rarely ask a direct question, unless they already
know what the answer will be. As for women lawyers, I don't know what
they do, and I'm pretty sure I don't want to know. The point is, when a
woman asks you this question, she knows you're going to say no. Even if
you want to say yes, you'll say no. You can't turn the question back on
her, because you have no idea what her answer is going to be. If you are
trying to break up with her, you'll have to say no and start the whole
painful process again. If you aren't trying to break up with her, then
it's best to change the subject. Let's try something easier.
Notice anything different about me?
Well, slightly easier. This question is of a piece with two others:
"Have you forgotten what today is?" and "Have you been listening to a
word I've said?" Apart from being questions that are easier to answer
wrong than right, they're the kinds of things women say in sitcoms. They
are best treated in an ironic postmodern context, i.e., just say what
Ward Cleaver would say.
Her: Notice anything different about me?
You: New apron? ... (Ouch!)
Her: Have you forgotten what today is?
You: Of course not. It's Thursday.
Her: Have you been listening to a word I've said?
You: That's nice, dear...
Funny, huh? Well, it's not your fault if she doesn't get it. If she
wants a better answer, she's going to have to start asking better
questions. Questions such as:
Have you taken a look at yourself lately? This question and its cousin,
the almost always uncalled for "Who do you think you are?" are ways of
gently reminding you how much of a factor pity was in her original
decision to go out with you, and how that decision could be rescinded if
you behave in any way that cannot be described as abject. You probably
brought this rebuke on yourself by mentioning that you reckon Brad Pitt
is getting a little chubby or by speculating that Jack Nicholson doesn't
have to wait until his birthday for oral sex. You're not really supposed
to answer either of these questions. You're just supposed to apologise
for your wanton self-esteem-having. Instead of apologizing, just smile.
Your manifold inadequacies as a boyfriend - nay, as a man - are a kind
of revenge all by themselves. Next!
Do you believe in fidelity?
Like most philosophical questions that seem to pop up out of the blue,
this question doesn't pop up out of the blue. This general query about
fidelity is in fact a coded inquiry about the extent of your fidelity on
a specific occasion or occasions. Your response will also have to be
coded. Consult this translation chart before giving your answer:
YOU SAY - Yes
YOU MEAN - How much does she know?
SHE THINKS - He's hiding something.
YOU SAY - It depends
YOU MEAN - How much does she know?
SHE THINKS - I knew it!
YOU SAY - Why do you ask
YOU MEAN - How much does she know?
SHE THINKS - Bastard!
YOU SAY - I dunno. Do you?
YOU MEAN - How much does she know?
SHE THINKS - How much does he know?
There are several more variations, but they're not worth going into. By
the time she asks you this question, you're already in deep trouble. It
doesn't really matter what you say, as long as you don't blush when you
answer.
Let's look at an example that calls for more straightforward lying.
What are you looking at?
She means, "You were looking at that girl, weren't you?" And you thought
you'd perfected that trick of keeping your neck still and just letting
your eyes swivel. Obviously, the truth is not the best answer here. We
all know that the truth can set you free, sometimes before you've found
somewhere else to stay. It may seem easy enough to answer this question
with a cunning lie, but when men are caught offguard, their ability to
deceive is impaired.
Here are a few of the more common mistakes men make when asked,
"What are you looking at?"
Too specific: The rust around the bolts on the handle on the flap of
that mailbox on the northwest corner." Not specific enough: "That
thing." Too good to be true: "A diamond necklace in that window back
there that would be perfect on you." Too true to be good: "A see
through nightie in that window back there that would be perfect on you."
Too obvious: "Nothing." Way too obvious: "That blonde babe over there
with the big...I mean nothing." Here's one that requires a little
interpretation.
What are we going to do now?
This one often crops up whenever some kind of emergency or seemingly
unsolvable problem arises. The part that requires interpretation is the
mysterious "we" in the middle. This means two things: In one sense,
"we" clearly means "you," as in, "What are you going to do now," but
there is also a sense of "we're in this together," implying that you
bear equal responsibility for the fact that she's just dropped her keys
down a grate, or that she stores her jack and spare tire in her garage
so they won't get stolen.
In such situations you'll probably find that the only answer to "What
are we going to do now?" that you can think of is "We are going to break
up. Goodbye." Most likely you'll decide not to say anything. After which
she will probably let loose with the rather ill-advised:
Why don't you say something?
Whether you answer this one is up to you. There is only one question
that you should never, ever answer. Keep silent, cower behind your Fifth
Amendment rights, pretend you didn't hear, run away, whatever, but don't
say anything when she asks:
Should I get all of my hair cut off?
If you say anything, then when she does get all her hair cut off (and
let's face it, she's already made up her mind) and she hates it (and she
will hate it), it will be your fault. Even if you say absolutely
nothing, the best you can hope for is that she will come home with all
her hair cut off, stare you straight in the eye and say:
"Does it make me look fat!!?"
.....You're on your own.....
John.
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john_trickle
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"What?"
Two old people, a man and a woman, walk into a hospital. The doctor says to the old man, "I'll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample." The old man says, "What?" So the doctor says it again. Once again the old man says, "what?" So the doctor yells it, "I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!" With that the old woman turns to the old man and says, "He needs a pair of your underwear!"
John.
John.
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john_trickle
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bigger?'
A couple were in their bedroom and the girl says to her boyfriend, 'I wish I had bigger tits'. The boyfriend says 'well what I recommend is to get some toilet tissue and rub it between your tits for 2 months'. 'How will that help to make my tits bigger?' asks the girlfriend.
'Well it worked for your ass' says the boyfriend.
John.
'Well it worked for your ass' says the boyfriend.
John.
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john_trickle
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seven o'clock
A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules. "I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he insisted. "And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules," he said. "Any comments?" His new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me. But, just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."
John.
John.
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john_trickle
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wrong approach
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ... and she's always sound asleep."
John.
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ... and she's always sound asleep."
John.
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john_trickle
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Irritated teacher
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him?"
John.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him?"
John.
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john_trickle
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Welfare office
A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi . . . You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job".
The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter.
You'll have to drive around in his Beemer, and he'll supply all of your clothes .
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom-furnished apartment above the garage.
The starting salary is $200,000 a year, including expenses."
The guy says, "You're bull ******** me!"
The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."
John.
The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter.
You'll have to drive around in his Beemer, and he'll supply all of your clothes .
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom-furnished apartment above the garage.
The starting salary is $200,000 a year, including expenses."
The guy says, "You're bull ******** me!"
The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."
John.
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john_trickle
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Sexual obsession
A man goes to a psychiatrist, and tells him "Doc, I think I have an obsession with sex."
The doctor agrees to examine him and begins by showing him various drawings.
First the doctor draws a square and asks the man to identify it. The man immediately says "sex".
Next the doctor draws a circle, which the man again identifies as sex.
Thirdly, the doctor draws a triangle, which of course the patient identifies as "sex". The doctor puts the drawings away and says to the patient, "Yes, I do believe thhat you have an obsession with sex."
To which the man replies, "I'm not the one with the obsession! YOU'RE the one drawing all the dirty pictures!"
John.
The doctor agrees to examine him and begins by showing him various drawings.
First the doctor draws a square and asks the man to identify it. The man immediately says "sex".
Next the doctor draws a circle, which the man again identifies as sex.
Thirdly, the doctor draws a triangle, which of course the patient identifies as "sex". The doctor puts the drawings away and says to the patient, "Yes, I do believe thhat you have an obsession with sex."
To which the man replies, "I'm not the one with the obsession! YOU'RE the one drawing all the dirty pictures!"
John.
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john_trickle
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Door to door salesman
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"&&** off!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money" and she tried to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse poop all over her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse poop from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
"Well," she said, "I hope you've got a mighty good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."
John.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"&&** off!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money" and she tried to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse poop all over her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse poop from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
"Well," she said, "I hope you've got a mighty good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."
John.
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john_trickle
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New ceo
A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!
The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?"
The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
John.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!
The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?"
The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
John.
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john_trickle
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Cold water
A boy went to visit his grandfather and while eating the breakfast of eggs and bacon prepared for him, he noticed a film-like substance on his plate.
So he says, "Grandfather, are these plates clean?" His grandfather replies, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal."
That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed many little black specks around the edge of his plate so again he asked, "Grandfather are you sure these plates are clean?"
Without looking up from his burger, the grandfather says, "I told you those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now don't ask me about it anymore."
Well, later that day, the boy offered to out and get dinner. As he was leaving the house, the grandfather's dog who was lying on the floor started to growl, and would not let the boy pass.
"Grandfather, your dog won't let me out."
Without diverting his attention from the game he was watching, his grandfather shouted, "Coldwater, get your ass out of the way!"
john.
So he says, "Grandfather, are these plates clean?" His grandfather replies, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal."
That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed many little black specks around the edge of his plate so again he asked, "Grandfather are you sure these plates are clean?"
Without looking up from his burger, the grandfather says, "I told you those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now don't ask me about it anymore."
Well, later that day, the boy offered to out and get dinner. As he was leaving the house, the grandfather's dog who was lying on the floor started to growl, and would not let the boy pass.
"Grandfather, your dog won't let me out."
Without diverting his attention from the game he was watching, his grandfather shouted, "Coldwater, get your ass out of the way!"
john.
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john_trickle
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The refund
A man was carrying 2 babies, one in each arm, while waiting for a train.
Along came this lady, who when seeing the 2 cute babies, started asking the man, "Aren't they cute, what are their names?"
The man giving the lady an angry look replied, "I don't know."
The lady asked again, "Which is a boy and which is a girl?"
The man looking angrier than before replied, "I don't know."
The woman then started to scold the man, "What kind of a father are you?"
The man replied, "I am not their father, I am just a condom salesman and these are 2 complaints that I am taking back to my company."
john.
Along came this lady, who when seeing the 2 cute babies, started asking the man, "Aren't they cute, what are their names?"
The man giving the lady an angry look replied, "I don't know."
The lady asked again, "Which is a boy and which is a girl?"
The man looking angrier than before replied, "I don't know."
The woman then started to scold the man, "What kind of a father are you?"
The man replied, "I am not their father, I am just a condom salesman and these are 2 complaints that I am taking back to my company."
john.