Just a few laughs!

[lanowoo]

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows. You sell one to buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell the herd and retire on the income.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of three cows. You are truly surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

A CANADIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. Your dairy operation is productive, and you sell 80% of the milk to the US market. The American government declares that you are taking advantage of federal subsidies to dump milk on the US market below cost, and slaps you with countervailing duties to protect the interests of the above-mentioned American corporation. Angered and enraged in typical Canadian fashion, you cheer on the Canadian hockey team as they pound the US team 5-2 and win Olympic gold. You let out a cheer, wave the Maple Leaf a bit, then apologize for the outburst and get back to milking your cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows. Both are mad.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have nine cows. You count them again and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you really only have one cow. You stop counting cows and open a bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5 000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

A HINDU CORPORATION
You have two cows. You worship them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

AN ISRAELI CORPORATION
You have two cows. They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights to their story. They send their calves to an Ivy League school to become doctors.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit obtained by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Islands shell company covertly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. Provide no balance sheet. The public buys your bull.

AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION
You have two cows. The one on the left is kinda cute...

[john_trickle]

"I have to have a raise," the man said to his boss. "There are three other companies after me."

"Is that so?" asked the manager. "What other companies are after you?"

"The electricity company, the telephone company, and the gas company."

[john_trickle]

A blonde went into a global message center to send a message to her mother overseas. When the man told her it would cost $400 she exclaimed, "I don't have that kind of money!! But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother in France!"

The man arched an eyebrow. "Anything?"

"Yes, absolutely anything" the blonde promised.

With that, the man said, "Follow me." He walked into the next room and ordered her to "Come in and close the door." She did. He then said, "Get on your knees." She did. Then he said, "Take down my zipper." She did.

He said, "Go ahead... take it out." She took it out and grabbed hold of it with both hands. The man closed his eyes and whispered, "Well... go ahead!"

The blonde slowly brought her lips closer, and while holding it close to her lips she said loudly,

"HELLO ... MOM?

[lanowoo]

There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation, the old man.

"Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except …" said the old man, and then he stopped.

"Except what?" asked the businessman.

"Nothing, nothing," said the old man.

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!" protested the businessman.

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick,'" the old man said.

"So what's up with this voodoo dick?" the businessman asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said, "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man said, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."

He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door."

The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said, "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!"

The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.

The businessman said, "I'll take it!"

The old man resisted and said it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say, "Voodoo dick, my pussy."

He left for his trip satisfied things would be fine while he was gone.

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.

After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing.

The officer looked at her for a second, and then said, "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"

[lanowoo]

On Christmas morning, a cop on horseback was sitting at a traffic light. Next to him was a kid on his shiny new bike.
The cop said to the kid, "Nice bike you've got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
The kid said, "Yeah."

The cop said, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike." The cop then proceeded to issue the kid a $20 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid took the ticket, but before he rode off he said, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humoring the kid, the cop said, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid said, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

[lanowoo]

[lanowoo]

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."

He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right." To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."

"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!"

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"

She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either screw him or bake him a cake."

He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"

She replied, "Hellooooo... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"

[lanowoo]

For all of you out there who've had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you. It's a classic! In tribute to those 'special' customers we all love!

An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, F*** you!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."

[john_trickle]

An african ambassador visited Russia and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador. For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer.

On the last day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said, "As your stay is coming to an end, it's time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger."

This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers.

Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief.

The African ambassador was impressed with the couragous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year.

When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay. Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke, "Now, time for you to sample our game, African roulette". He then led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six stunning and naked women.

The African ambassador said, "These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will give you a oral sex - take your pick".

The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said, "Well, ok, great, but where's the roulette part? Where's the danger?"

With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered:

"One of them's a cannibal."

[john_trickle]

An atheist professor was teaching a college class and he told the class that he was going to prove that there was not a God.

He said, "God if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!"

Ten minutes went by. He kept taunting God, saying, "Here I am God, I'm still waiting"

He got down to the last couple of minutes and a Huge 250-pound rugby player happened to walk by the door and heard what the professor said.

The rugby player walked into the classroom and in the last minute, he walked up, hit the professor full force, and sent him flying off the platform.

The professor got up, obviously shaken and said, "Where did you come from, and why did you do that?"

The football player replied, "God was busy; He sent me!"

[john_trickle]

Once upon a time in a place where little sperms grow, there was a super jock sperm who spent all his time working out. He did things like lifting weights and swimming, his most important duty. All the other sperm were very curious about his pastimes.

"Why do you keep working out all the time," they asked.

"Well," he said, "Of all us sperms, only one of us is going to make it to the egg. And that is going to be me." Well, the other sperms just floated around waiting for the day to come. And it did, and they were off! All those sperms racing along and far out in front of them was the super jock sperm, racing so fast and so hard that they couldn't see him any more, but they still kept coming.

Alas, then, away in the distance, they heard a loud piercing scream. They still kept coming though.

And then very shortly the super sperm appeared, screaming with all his might - "Back, back, BaCK, Go back! IT'S A BLOW JOB!"

[john_trickle]

Big Bob, a strapping lad standing 6ft 5 went to his local Doctor and said, "Doctor, I've got a problem, but if you're going to treat it, first you've got to promise me, and I mean it - not to laugh."

"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient. And you're a mighty big fella for anyone to be laughing at!"

"Okay then," Bob said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest peni$ the doctor had seen in all his years. Unable to control himself, the doctor fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.

"I'm so sorry," he said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a
gentleman, I promise it absolutely will not happen again. Ever. Now what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen!"

[john_trickle]

Genuine extracts from Letters Sent to Landlords:

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.

I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

Can you please tell me when our repairs are going to be done as my wife is about to become an expectant mother.

I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.

Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink.

Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.

I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much.

When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.

[sim0ng]

An "Income Tax Officer" asked a prostitute why she has put her occupation as POULTRY FARMER She replied: "Sir, I raised 500 cocks last year."

[john_trickle]

Doctor Larsson was doing his normal morning rounds of the Psychology ward when he entered a patient's room to find his patient sitting on the floor, sawing at a piece of wood with the side of his hand.

Meanwhile, another patient was in the room, hanging from the ceiling by his feet.

The doctor asked his patient what he was doing, sitting on the floor. The patient replied in an irritated fashion, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?"

The doctor inquired, "And what is the fellow hanging from the ceiling doing?"

"Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb."

The doctor asks, "If he's your friend, don't you think you should get him down from there before he hurts himself?"

"What? And work in the dark!?"