Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969."
The other points behind him and says, "Dog Poo, 20 feet back."
Just a few laughs!
Moderators: daewoomofo, Moderators Group
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john_trickle
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- Location: AUSTRALIA
- Contact:
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john_trickle
- Expert
- Posts: 1011
- Joined: Sun Jun 05, 2005 10:04 am
- Location: AUSTRALIA
- Contact:
Some things you can't Explain
A farmer was getting drunk in the local bar when a man came in
and asked: "Hey, why on this beautiful day are you sitting here
getting drunk?"
The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just
can't explain."
"So, what happened that's so horrible?" the man asked.
"Well," the farmer said, "today while milking my cow she lifted
her left leg and kicked over the bucket."
"Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad."
"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer replied.
"So what happened then?" the man asked.
The farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on
the left."
"And then?"
"Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got
the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the
bucket."
The man laughed and said, "Again?"
The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So, what did you do then?" the man asked.
"I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the
right."
"And then?"
"Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I
got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket
with her tail."
"Hmmm," the man said and nodded his head.
"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer said.
"So, what did you do?" the man asked.
"Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have any more rope,
so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter.
In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in
...Some things you just can't explain."
and asked: "Hey, why on this beautiful day are you sitting here
getting drunk?"
The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just
can't explain."
"So, what happened that's so horrible?" the man asked.
"Well," the farmer said, "today while milking my cow she lifted
her left leg and kicked over the bucket."
"Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad."
"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer replied.
"So what happened then?" the man asked.
The farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on
the left."
"And then?"
"Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got
the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the
bucket."
The man laughed and said, "Again?"
The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So, what did you do then?" the man asked.
"I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the
right."
"And then?"
"Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I
got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket
with her tail."
"Hmmm," the man said and nodded his head.
"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer said.
"So, what did you do?" the man asked.
"Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have any more rope,
so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter.
In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in
...Some things you just can't explain."
-
john_trickle
- Expert
- Posts: 1011
- Joined: Sun Jun 05, 2005 10:04 am
- Location: AUSTRALIA
- Contact:
Sports Fishing
While out Sports Fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.
Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted: "Are there any gators around here!?"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "They ain't been around for years!"
Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothin,'" the beachcomber replied.
"Wow," said the tourist.
The beachcomber added, "The Sharks got 'em."
Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted: "Are there any gators around here!?"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "They ain't been around for years!"
Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothin,'" the beachcomber replied.
"Wow," said the tourist.
The beachcomber added, "The Sharks got 'em."
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john_trickle
- Expert
- Posts: 1011
- Joined: Sun Jun 05, 2005 10:04 am
- Location: AUSTRALIA
- Contact:
Panda in a Bar
A panda walked into a bar and went up to the barman and said:
"I want a steak and kidney pie and a Coke please." The barman took his order and the Panda went to sit down at a table. Soon, a waiter took over the meal, the Panda gobbled it up, thanked, tipped the waiter and paid his bill.
All seemed normal until the Panda pulled out a gun from the depths of his fur, pulled the trigger and BANG! shot the waiter dead.
The barman rushed over and said: "Argh!! You just shot my friend!!!"
The Panda calmly replied: "Do you know what I am?"
"Of Course I do," the barman answered, "you're a Panda!"
"Good," the Panda replied, "now go home and look me up in the dictionary." And with that, the Panda walked out of the bar.
The barman was a little unsure, but he was very eager to be enlightened on the subject of his friend's murder, so he went home to find his dictionary and after a while he found 'panda'
and quickly read the definition...
PANDA: 1. A black and white bear native to China. Eats shoots and leaves.
"I want a steak and kidney pie and a Coke please." The barman took his order and the Panda went to sit down at a table. Soon, a waiter took over the meal, the Panda gobbled it up, thanked, tipped the waiter and paid his bill.
All seemed normal until the Panda pulled out a gun from the depths of his fur, pulled the trigger and BANG! shot the waiter dead.
The barman rushed over and said: "Argh!! You just shot my friend!!!"
The Panda calmly replied: "Do you know what I am?"
"Of Course I do," the barman answered, "you're a Panda!"
"Good," the Panda replied, "now go home and look me up in the dictionary." And with that, the Panda walked out of the bar.
The barman was a little unsure, but he was very eager to be enlightened on the subject of his friend's murder, so he went home to find his dictionary and after a while he found 'panda'
and quickly read the definition...
PANDA: 1. A black and white bear native to China. Eats shoots and leaves.
One day old man Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the Illinois State Fair. There is this man selling plane rides in his single prop show plane for $10 per person. Stumpy looks to Martha and says, "Martha, I think I really should try that." Martha replies, "I know you want to Stumpy, but we have a lot of bills, and you know the money is tight, and $10 is $10." So Stumpy goes without. Over the next few years they return every year, and the same thing, Stumpy wants to ride, but Martha says no money.
Finally, when Stumpy and Martha are both about 70 years old, Stumpy looks to Martha, and says, "Martha, I'm 70 now, and I don't know if I'll ever get the chance again, so I just have to have a ride in that there airplane." Martha replies in the same old fashion, and Stumpy kind of slumps down. The pilot is standing near by and overhears the conversation...
The pilot pipes up, "Excuse me folks, I couldn't help but hear your situation, and I have a deal for you. I'll take both of you up together, and if you can both make the entire trip without saying a word, or even making the slightest sound, I'll give the ride for free. But if either of you make a sound, its $10 each." Well, Martha and Stumpy look at each other, and agree to take the ride.
The pilot takes them up, and starts to do loop de loops, twists, dives, climbs and spins. No sound. The pilot lands the plane, looks back at Stumpy and says, "Sir, I have to hand it to ya, you didn't make even the slightest sound and that was my best stuff." Stumpy looks back at the pilot and says, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but $10 is $10!"
-----------------For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.
"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.
"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.
Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."
---------------------------------------------------------------
Finally, when Stumpy and Martha are both about 70 years old, Stumpy looks to Martha, and says, "Martha, I'm 70 now, and I don't know if I'll ever get the chance again, so I just have to have a ride in that there airplane." Martha replies in the same old fashion, and Stumpy kind of slumps down. The pilot is standing near by and overhears the conversation...
The pilot pipes up, "Excuse me folks, I couldn't help but hear your situation, and I have a deal for you. I'll take both of you up together, and if you can both make the entire trip without saying a word, or even making the slightest sound, I'll give the ride for free. But if either of you make a sound, its $10 each." Well, Martha and Stumpy look at each other, and agree to take the ride.
The pilot takes them up, and starts to do loop de loops, twists, dives, climbs and spins. No sound. The pilot lands the plane, looks back at Stumpy and says, "Sir, I have to hand it to ya, you didn't make even the slightest sound and that was my best stuff." Stumpy looks back at the pilot and says, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but $10 is $10!"
-----------------For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.
"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.
"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.
Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."
---------------------------------------------------------------
WOOOOO HOOOOO for a DAEWOO!!
-SRI -RE:APC STAINLESS STEEL PERFORMANCE FILTER
-VALVE COVER VENT FILTER
-CUSTOM ROD CRYSTAL DRIVING LIGHTS
-1200W AMP WITH 12" SUB -KICKS WOO BUTT!!!!!
-SRI -RE:APC STAINLESS STEEL PERFORMANCE FILTER
-VALVE COVER VENT FILTER
-CUSTOM ROD CRYSTAL DRIVING LIGHTS
-1200W AMP WITH 12" SUB -KICKS WOO BUTT!!!!!
Sex giudes:
Senoirs
Put on your glasses. Double check that your partner is actually in bed with you.
Set timer for 10 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.
Set the mood with lighting. Turn them ALL OFF!
Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.
Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.
Keep extra Polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed.
Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.
Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.
If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.
Don't even think about trying it twice.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Sex Workout
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Having sex is yet another great past time for burning up those unwanted fat producing calories...
REMOVING CLOTHES
With partner's consent... 12 calories
Without partner's consent... 187 calories
UNHOOKING BRA
Using two calm hands... 7 calories
Using one trembling hand... 36 calories
GETTING INTO BED
Lifting partner... 1.5 calories
Dragging partner along floor... 16 calories
Using skateboard... 3 calories
ACHIEVING ERECTIONS
For normal healthy man... 2.5 calories
Losing erection... 14 calories
Searching for it... 115 calories
PUTTING ON CONDOM
With erection... 1.5 calories
Without erection... 300 calories
INSERTING DIAPHRAGM
If the woman who does it is:
Experienced... 6 calories
Inexperienced... 73 calories
If a man does it... 650 calories
Add five calories for retrieving it from across the room.
POSSIBLE INTERCOURSE SIDE EFFECTS
Bouncing... 7 calories
Sliding around... 9 calories
Serious skidding... 12 calories
Whiplash... 27 calories
ORGASM
Real... 27 calories
Faked... 160 calories
ORGASMIC INTENSITY SCALE
Shoes flew off... 35 calories
Expression didn't change... 0.5 calories
Orchestra swelled... 6 calories
Birds sang:
Large birds... 7 calories
Small birds... 3 calories
Earth moved... 30 calories
PULLING OUT
After orgasm... 0.5 calories
A few moments before orgasm... 500 calories
PENIS ENVY
For woman... 3 calories
For men... 72 calories
GUILT
Banging your boss for a promotion... 30 calories
Sex during a 'sickie'... 10 calories
Bonking each other with parents in other room... 7 calories
Putting it on your expense account... 9 calories
AGGRAVATION
Partner keeps showing plant... 5 calories
Partner insists on dog cuddling during foreplay... 14 calories
Partner just visited bathroom for 7th time... 10 calories
Partner is taking phone calls... 7 calories
Partner is making phone calls... 40 calories
GETTING CAUGHT
By partner's spouse... 60 calories
By your spouse... 100 calories
Trying to explain... 55 calories
Trying to remain calm... 100 calories
Leaping out of bed... 75 calories
Getting dressed in one motion... 500 calories
--------------------------------------------------------------
Beer Versus Pussy
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It is time to do a comparison between two things treasured by men, beer and pussy...
A beer is always wet.
A pussy needs encouragement.
Advantage: Beer.
A beer tastes horrible served hot.
A pussy tastes better served hot.
Advantage: Pussy.
Having an ice cold beer makes you satisfied.
Having an ice cold pussy makes you Hillary Clinton.
Advantage: Beer.
Beers have commercials making fun of skunky ones.
Pussy does not.
advantage: Tie
If you get a hair in your teeth
consuming pussy, you are not disgusted.
Advantage: Pussy
24 beers come in a box.
A pussy is a box you can come in.
Advantage: Pussy
Too much head makes you mad at the
person giving you a beer.
Advantage: Pussy.
If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is
still edible.
Advantage: Beer.
If you come home smelling like beer,
your wife may get mad. If you come home
smelling like pussy, she will definitely get mad.
Advantage: Beer.
6 beers in a night and you better not
drive. 6 pussies in a night and you
have done all the driving you need.
Advantage: Pussy
Buy too much beer and you will get fat.
Buy too much pussy and you will get poor.
Advantage: Tie
It is socially acceptable to have a beer in the stands at a football game.
You are a legend if you have a pussy in the stands at a football game.
Advantage: Pussy
If a cop smells beer on your breath,
you are going to get a breathalyzer.
If a cop smells pussy on your breath,
you are going to get a high five.
Advantage: Pussy
With beer, bigger is better.
Advantage: beer.
Wearing a condom does not make a beer
any less enjoyable.
Advantage: beer.
Pussy can make you see God. Beer can
make you see the porcelain god.
Advantage: Pussy
If you think all day about the next pussy
you will have, you are normal.
If you think all day about your next beer,
you are an alcoholic.
Advantage: Pussy
Peeling labels off of beers is fun.
Peeling panties off of pussy is more fun.
Advantage: Pussy.
If you try to snag a beer at work,
you get fired. If you try to snag a pussy
at work, you get hit with sexual harassment.
Advantage: Tie
If you suddenly drop a beer, it may
break. If you suddenly drop a pussy,
it may hunt you down like the dog you are.
Advantage: Beer.
If you change to another beer, your
old brand will gladly have you back.
Advantage: Beer.
The best pussy you have ever had is
not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Advantage: Pussy.
The worst pussy you have ever had is
not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Advantage: Beer.
Bad beer: Schlitz, PBR, Old Swill.
Bad pussy: Roseanne, Janet Reno, Madeline Albright.
Advantage: Tie
Good beer: Samuel Adams, Moosehead,
Pete's Wicked Winter Brew.
Good pussy: Almost all but the above.
Advantage Pussy.
The government taxes beer.
Advantage: Pussy.
Put on your glasses. Double check that your partner is actually in bed with you.
Set timer for 10 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.
Set the mood with lighting. Turn them ALL OFF!
Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.
Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.
Keep extra Polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed.
Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.
Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.
If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.
Don't even think about trying it twice.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Sex Workout
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Having sex is yet another great past time for burning up those unwanted fat producing calories...
REMOVING CLOTHES
With partner's consent... 12 calories
Without partner's consent... 187 calories
UNHOOKING BRA
Using two calm hands... 7 calories
Using one trembling hand... 36 calories
GETTING INTO BED
Lifting partner... 1.5 calories
Dragging partner along floor... 16 calories
Using skateboard... 3 calories
ACHIEVING ERECTIONS
For normal healthy man... 2.5 calories
Losing erection... 14 calories
Searching for it... 115 calories
PUTTING ON CONDOM
With erection... 1.5 calories
Without erection... 300 calories
INSERTING DIAPHRAGM
If the woman who does it is:
Experienced... 6 calories
Inexperienced... 73 calories
If a man does it... 650 calories
Add five calories for retrieving it from across the room.
POSSIBLE INTERCOURSE SIDE EFFECTS
Bouncing... 7 calories
Sliding around... 9 calories
Serious skidding... 12 calories
Whiplash... 27 calories
ORGASM
Real... 27 calories
Faked... 160 calories
ORGASMIC INTENSITY SCALE
Shoes flew off... 35 calories
Expression didn't change... 0.5 calories
Orchestra swelled... 6 calories
Birds sang:
Large birds... 7 calories
Small birds... 3 calories
Earth moved... 30 calories
PULLING OUT
After orgasm... 0.5 calories
A few moments before orgasm... 500 calories
PENIS ENVY
For woman... 3 calories
For men... 72 calories
GUILT
Banging your boss for a promotion... 30 calories
Sex during a 'sickie'... 10 calories
Bonking each other with parents in other room... 7 calories
Putting it on your expense account... 9 calories
AGGRAVATION
Partner keeps showing plant... 5 calories
Partner insists on dog cuddling during foreplay... 14 calories
Partner just visited bathroom for 7th time... 10 calories
Partner is taking phone calls... 7 calories
Partner is making phone calls... 40 calories
GETTING CAUGHT
By partner's spouse... 60 calories
By your spouse... 100 calories
Trying to explain... 55 calories
Trying to remain calm... 100 calories
Leaping out of bed... 75 calories
Getting dressed in one motion... 500 calories
--------------------------------------------------------------
Beer Versus Pussy
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It is time to do a comparison between two things treasured by men, beer and pussy...
A beer is always wet.
A pussy needs encouragement.
Advantage: Beer.
A beer tastes horrible served hot.
A pussy tastes better served hot.
Advantage: Pussy.
Having an ice cold beer makes you satisfied.
Having an ice cold pussy makes you Hillary Clinton.
Advantage: Beer.
Beers have commercials making fun of skunky ones.
Pussy does not.
advantage: Tie
If you get a hair in your teeth
consuming pussy, you are not disgusted.
Advantage: Pussy
24 beers come in a box.
A pussy is a box you can come in.
Advantage: Pussy
Too much head makes you mad at the
person giving you a beer.
Advantage: Pussy.
If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is
still edible.
Advantage: Beer.
If you come home smelling like beer,
your wife may get mad. If you come home
smelling like pussy, she will definitely get mad.
Advantage: Beer.
6 beers in a night and you better not
drive. 6 pussies in a night and you
have done all the driving you need.
Advantage: Pussy
Buy too much beer and you will get fat.
Buy too much pussy and you will get poor.
Advantage: Tie
It is socially acceptable to have a beer in the stands at a football game.
You are a legend if you have a pussy in the stands at a football game.
Advantage: Pussy
If a cop smells beer on your breath,
you are going to get a breathalyzer.
If a cop smells pussy on your breath,
you are going to get a high five.
Advantage: Pussy
With beer, bigger is better.
Advantage: beer.
Wearing a condom does not make a beer
any less enjoyable.
Advantage: beer.
Pussy can make you see God. Beer can
make you see the porcelain god.
Advantage: Pussy
If you think all day about the next pussy
you will have, you are normal.
If you think all day about your next beer,
you are an alcoholic.
Advantage: Pussy
Peeling labels off of beers is fun.
Peeling panties off of pussy is more fun.
Advantage: Pussy.
If you try to snag a beer at work,
you get fired. If you try to snag a pussy
at work, you get hit with sexual harassment.
Advantage: Tie
If you suddenly drop a beer, it may
break. If you suddenly drop a pussy,
it may hunt you down like the dog you are.
Advantage: Beer.
If you change to another beer, your
old brand will gladly have you back.
Advantage: Beer.
The best pussy you have ever had is
not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Advantage: Pussy.
The worst pussy you have ever had is
not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Advantage: Beer.
Bad beer: Schlitz, PBR, Old Swill.
Bad pussy: Roseanne, Janet Reno, Madeline Albright.
Advantage: Tie
Good beer: Samuel Adams, Moosehead,
Pete's Wicked Winter Brew.
Good pussy: Almost all but the above.
Advantage Pussy.
The government taxes beer.
Advantage: Pussy.
WOOOOO HOOOOO for a DAEWOO!!
-SRI -RE:APC STAINLESS STEEL PERFORMANCE FILTER
-VALVE COVER VENT FILTER
-CUSTOM ROD CRYSTAL DRIVING LIGHTS
-1200W AMP WITH 12" SUB -KICKS WOO BUTT!!!!!
-SRI -RE:APC STAINLESS STEEL PERFORMANCE FILTER
-VALVE COVER VENT FILTER
-CUSTOM ROD CRYSTAL DRIVING LIGHTS
-1200W AMP WITH 12" SUB -KICKS WOO BUTT!!!!!
-
john_trickle
- Expert
- Posts: 1011
- Joined: Sun Jun 05, 2005 10:04 am
- Location: AUSTRALIA
- Contact:
The Wish
One day, down in the mystical forest, a magical frog was hopping towards a water hole. The forest was so enormous that the frog had never laid eyes on another animal before. But today, by chance a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.
The frog called for the two to stop and said, "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant both of you three wishes. Bear, you can go first." The bear thought for a moment, and being the male he was, said, "I wish for all the bears in this forest, apart from me, to be female."
For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.
It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well."
The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and roared the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for such idiotic items, because after all, he could have asked for money and bought the bike.
For the last wish the bear thought for a while and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, apart from me, were female."
The rabbit grinned, roared the engine, and said, "I wish that the bear was gay."
The frog called for the two to stop and said, "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant both of you three wishes. Bear, you can go first." The bear thought for a moment, and being the male he was, said, "I wish for all the bears in this forest, apart from me, to be female."
For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.
It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well."
The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and roared the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for such idiotic items, because after all, he could have asked for money and bought the bike.
For the last wish the bear thought for a while and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, apart from me, were female."
The rabbit grinned, roared the engine, and said, "I wish that the bear was gay."
-
john_trickle
- Expert
- Posts: 1011
- Joined: Sun Jun 05, 2005 10:04 am
- Location: AUSTRALIA
- Contact:
Solitary Confinement
3 Men were sentenced to 25 years of solitary confinement. As a concession, the governer allowed each of them to take one item into his cell.
The first guy asked for a pile of books; the second for his wife; the third asked for 100 cartons of cigarettes.
At the end of the 25 years, the first prisoner was released and said: "Those books proved immensely invaluable. I've studied so hard I can now train to be a lawyer. I'm really happy."
The second man stepped out of his cell, with his wife and 5 new children. He smiled, "My wife and I have never been so close. I have a beautiful new family. I'm so happy."
And the third guy said: "Anybody got a match?"
The first guy asked for a pile of books; the second for his wife; the third asked for 100 cartons of cigarettes.
At the end of the 25 years, the first prisoner was released and said: "Those books proved immensely invaluable. I've studied so hard I can now train to be a lawyer. I'm really happy."
The second man stepped out of his cell, with his wife and 5 new children. He smiled, "My wife and I have never been so close. I have a beautiful new family. I'm so happy."
And the third guy said: "Anybody got a match?"
-
john_trickle
- Expert
- Posts: 1011
- Joined: Sun Jun 05, 2005 10:04 am
- Location: AUSTRALIA
- Contact:
Just a Sec
A man was wandering in the woods, pondering all the mysteries of life and his own personal problems. The man couldn't find the answers, so he sought help from God.
"God? You there, God?" he asked
"Yes. What is it, my son?" God answered.
"Mind if I ask a few questions?" the man asked.
"Go ahead, my son, anything."
"God, what is a million years to you?"
God answered, "A million years to me is only a second."
The man asked, "God, what is a million dollars worth to you?"
God replied, "A million dollars to me is worth only a penny."
The man lifted his eyebrows and asked his final question. "God, can I have a penny?"
God answered, "Sure, give me a second."
"God? You there, God?" he asked
"Yes. What is it, my son?" God answered.
"Mind if I ask a few questions?" the man asked.
"Go ahead, my son, anything."
"God, what is a million years to you?"
God answered, "A million years to me is only a second."
The man asked, "God, what is a million dollars worth to you?"
God replied, "A million dollars to me is worth only a penny."
The man lifted his eyebrows and asked his final question. "God, can I have a penny?"
God answered, "Sure, give me a second."
-
john_trickle
- Expert
- Posts: 1011
- Joined: Sun Jun 05, 2005 10:04 am
- Location: AUSTRALIA
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Magic Mirror
One day, a lady went to a garage sale and saw this mirror against a wall. She looked at it for a while and decided to purchase it. The lady, who was running the garage sale, told her that it was a magic mirror. She took it home and put it on the inside of her closet door.
Her husband came home from work and she told him she bought a new mirror. They were getting ready for bed and she excused herself from the bed and told him that she would be right back. She went over to the closet door and stood in front of the mirror and said, "Mirror, mirror, on the door, make my breasts a 44". All of a sudden, kaboom...she's a 44.
She crawled into bed and her husband was just so amazed and pleased at what had happened that he asked how she did it. She told him that the mirror was actually a magic mirror. He laughed and asked where it was. Going over to the closet, he opens the door and stands in front of the mirror...naked. Smiling, he says:
"Mirror, mirror, on the door, make my manhood touch the floor."
All of a sudden, his legs fell off.
Her husband came home from work and she told him she bought a new mirror. They were getting ready for bed and she excused herself from the bed and told him that she would be right back. She went over to the closet door and stood in front of the mirror and said, "Mirror, mirror, on the door, make my breasts a 44". All of a sudden, kaboom...she's a 44.
She crawled into bed and her husband was just so amazed and pleased at what had happened that he asked how she did it. She told him that the mirror was actually a magic mirror. He laughed and asked where it was. Going over to the closet, he opens the door and stands in front of the mirror...naked. Smiling, he says:
"Mirror, mirror, on the door, make my manhood touch the floor."
All of a sudden, his legs fell off.
-
john_trickle
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- Joined: Sun Jun 05, 2005 10:04 am
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How far can you Swim?
Three young ladies were stranded on an island: a brunette, redhead and a blonde. The brunette looked across the water towards the mainland and estimated it was roughly 20 miles to the shore. She announced: "I'm gonna try to swim ashore."
So she swam five miles but began to get really tired. At the 10 miles from shore stage, she was utterly exhausted, unable to continue and sadly drowned.
The redhead said to herself, "I wonder if she made it. I guess I should try to get to the mainland or else I'll starve to death here." So she attempts to swim ashore. Remarkably she makes it to 10 miles fairly easily, but at 15 miles the old lactic acid starts to kick in and the pain becomes so unbearable that she unfortunately drowns too...
The blonde thinks to herself, "I wonder if they made it. I think I'd better try to make it ashore too." So the blonde swims out 5 miles, reaches 10 miles, then 15 miles and finally she gets to nineteen miles from the island with the shore just in sight when she declares, "Phew, I'm too tired to go on!" So she turns around and swims back...
So she swam five miles but began to get really tired. At the 10 miles from shore stage, she was utterly exhausted, unable to continue and sadly drowned.
The redhead said to herself, "I wonder if she made it. I guess I should try to get to the mainland or else I'll starve to death here." So she attempts to swim ashore. Remarkably she makes it to 10 miles fairly easily, but at 15 miles the old lactic acid starts to kick in and the pain becomes so unbearable that she unfortunately drowns too...
The blonde thinks to herself, "I wonder if they made it. I think I'd better try to make it ashore too." So the blonde swims out 5 miles, reaches 10 miles, then 15 miles and finally she gets to nineteen miles from the island with the shore just in sight when she declares, "Phew, I'm too tired to go on!" So she turns around and swims back...
Dating My Daughter
When I was in high school I used to be terrified of my girlfriend’s father, who I believe suspected me of wanting to place my hands on his daughter’s chest. He would open the door and immediately affect a good-naturedly murderous expression, holding out a handshake that, when gripped, felt like it could squeeze carbon into diamonds.
Now, years later, it is my turn to be the dad. Remembering how unfairly persecuted I felt when I would pick up my dates, I do my best to make my daughter’s suitors feel even worse. My motto: wilt them in the living room and they’ll stay wilted all night.
“So,” I’ll call out jovially. “I see you have your nose pierced. Is that because you’re stupid, or did you merely want to APPEAR stupid?”
As a dad, I have some basic rules, which I have carved into two stone tablets that I have on display in my living room.
Rule One - If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure as heck not picking anything up.
Rule Two - You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.
Rule Three - I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to assure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place around your waist.
Rule Four - I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I WILL kill you.
Rule Five - In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early.”
Rule Six - I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make YOU cry.
Rule Seven - As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process which can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight - The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places lacking parents, policemen, or nuns. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her chin. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay.
My daughter claims it embarrasses her to come downstairs and find me attempting to get her date to recite these eight simple rules from memory. I’d be embarrassed too—-there are only eight of them, for crying out loud! And, for the record, I did NOT suggest to one of these cretins that I’d have these rules tattooed on his arm if he couldn’t remember them. (I checked into it and the cost is prohibitive.) I merely told him that I thought writing the rules on his arm with a ball point might be inadequate-—ink washes off-—and that my wood burning set was probably a better alternative.
One time, when my wife caught me having one of my daughter’s would-be suitors practice pulling into the driveway, get out of the car, and go up to knock on the front door (he had violated rule number one, so I figured he needed to run through the drill a few dozen times) she asked me why I was being so hard on the boy. “Don’t you remember being that age?” she challenged.
Of course I remember. Why do you think I came up with the eight simple rules?
Now, years later, it is my turn to be the dad. Remembering how unfairly persecuted I felt when I would pick up my dates, I do my best to make my daughter’s suitors feel even worse. My motto: wilt them in the living room and they’ll stay wilted all night.
“So,” I’ll call out jovially. “I see you have your nose pierced. Is that because you’re stupid, or did you merely want to APPEAR stupid?”
As a dad, I have some basic rules, which I have carved into two stone tablets that I have on display in my living room.
Rule One - If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure as heck not picking anything up.
Rule Two - You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.
Rule Three - I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to assure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place around your waist.
Rule Four - I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I WILL kill you.
Rule Five - In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early.”
Rule Six - I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make YOU cry.
Rule Seven - As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process which can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight - The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places lacking parents, policemen, or nuns. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her chin. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay.
My daughter claims it embarrasses her to come downstairs and find me attempting to get her date to recite these eight simple rules from memory. I’d be embarrassed too—-there are only eight of them, for crying out loud! And, for the record, I did NOT suggest to one of these cretins that I’d have these rules tattooed on his arm if he couldn’t remember them. (I checked into it and the cost is prohibitive.) I merely told him that I thought writing the rules on his arm with a ball point might be inadequate-—ink washes off-—and that my wood burning set was probably a better alternative.
One time, when my wife caught me having one of my daughter’s would-be suitors practice pulling into the driveway, get out of the car, and go up to knock on the front door (he had violated rule number one, so I figured he needed to run through the drill a few dozen times) she asked me why I was being so hard on the boy. “Don’t you remember being that age?” she challenged.
Of course I remember. Why do you think I came up with the eight simple rules?
WOOOOO HOOOOO for a DAEWOO!!
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Gasms definitions
Sex in a boat = Oargasms
Sex with a nerd = Dorkgasms
Sex at the entrance to your house = Doorgasms
Sex on the carpet or linoleum = Floorgasms
Sex at the supermarket = Storegasms
Sex with wild pigs = Boargasms
Sex at a Stephen King movie = Horrorgasms
Sex with a prostitue = Whoregasms
Sex with a storyteller = Loregasms
Sex with an accountant = Boregasms
Sex while sleeping = Snoregasms
Sex with Arthur = Dudley Mooregasms
Sex with cartoon donkeys = Eeyoregasms
Sex while broke = Poorgasms
Sex with a lion = Roargasms
Sex for hours and hours on end = Soregasms
Sex on a golf course = Foregasms
Sex with a nymphomaniac = Ready for Moregasms
Sex in a gold mine = Oregasms
Sex with a dermatologist = Poregasms
Sex with the vice president = Al Goregasms
Sex with chocolate marshmallows = S'moregasms
Sex with a bullfighter = Toreadorgasms
Sex with a masked man carrying a sword = Zorogasms
Sex on the beach = Shoregasms
Sex when you get an award = Honogasms
Sex at an all you can eat buffet = Smorgasbordgasms
Sex on a cruise ship deck = Shuffleboardgasms
Sex in Asia = Singaporegasms
Sex among the wonders of the world = Outdoorgasms
Sex in the vicinity of garbage can = odorgasms
Sex on the way to the train = All aboardgasms
Sex that isn't very satisfying = there's the doorgasms
Sex during hay fever season = Sporegasms
Sex using plastic cutlery = Sporkgasms
Sex with a Medieval poet = Troubadorgasms
Sex in an adult theater = Hardcoregasms
Sex with conquering Spaniards = Conquistadorgasms
Sex with someone not paying attention = Ignorgasms
Sex with a competitive partner = scoregasms
Sex in a firehouse = Firedoorgasms
Sex with an Icelandic singer = Bjorkgasms
Sex with the host of a horrible t.v. show = Pauly Shoregasms
Sex with a cookie = Oreogasms
Sex while flying = Soargasms
Sex with a bugle player = Horngasms
Sex with an astronaut who didn't make it into space = Abortgasms
Sex with a beloved partner = Adoregasms
Sex with a meat eater = Carnivoregasms
Sex with a person who's got a really bad hairdo = Pompadoregasms
Sex with someone who has really bad taste in clothes = Velourgasms
Sex while sightseeing = Tourgasms
Sex with a big dog = Labradorgasms
Sex with Beavs and Butthead = Gonnascoregasms
Sex during an earthquake = Tremorgasms
Sex on farm implements = Tractorgasms
Sex with Thomas Edison = Inventorgasms
Sex with a construction worker = Contractorgasms
Sex at a symphony orchestra = Conductorgasms
Sex with a person who examines dead bodies = Coronergasms
Sex on the stairs at the mall = Escalatorgasms
Sex while hopelessly drunk on shooters = Liquorgasms
Sex with a possessive partner = Yourgasms
Sex with Frankenstein's assistant = Igorgasms
Sex with three of your friends = Fourgasms
Sex with a Norse God = Thorgasms
Sex when resistance is futile = Borggasms
Sex without a climax = Nogasms
Sex with a nerd = Dorkgasms
Sex at the entrance to your house = Doorgasms
Sex on the carpet or linoleum = Floorgasms
Sex at the supermarket = Storegasms
Sex with wild pigs = Boargasms
Sex at a Stephen King movie = Horrorgasms
Sex with a prostitue = Whoregasms
Sex with a storyteller = Loregasms
Sex with an accountant = Boregasms
Sex while sleeping = Snoregasms
Sex with Arthur = Dudley Mooregasms
Sex with cartoon donkeys = Eeyoregasms
Sex while broke = Poorgasms
Sex with a lion = Roargasms
Sex for hours and hours on end = Soregasms
Sex on a golf course = Foregasms
Sex with a nymphomaniac = Ready for Moregasms
Sex in a gold mine = Oregasms
Sex with a dermatologist = Poregasms
Sex with the vice president = Al Goregasms
Sex with chocolate marshmallows = S'moregasms
Sex with a bullfighter = Toreadorgasms
Sex with a masked man carrying a sword = Zorogasms
Sex on the beach = Shoregasms
Sex when you get an award = Honogasms
Sex at an all you can eat buffet = Smorgasbordgasms
Sex on a cruise ship deck = Shuffleboardgasms
Sex in Asia = Singaporegasms
Sex among the wonders of the world = Outdoorgasms
Sex in the vicinity of garbage can = odorgasms
Sex on the way to the train = All aboardgasms
Sex that isn't very satisfying = there's the doorgasms
Sex during hay fever season = Sporegasms
Sex using plastic cutlery = Sporkgasms
Sex with a Medieval poet = Troubadorgasms
Sex in an adult theater = Hardcoregasms
Sex with conquering Spaniards = Conquistadorgasms
Sex with someone not paying attention = Ignorgasms
Sex with a competitive partner = scoregasms
Sex in a firehouse = Firedoorgasms
Sex with an Icelandic singer = Bjorkgasms
Sex with the host of a horrible t.v. show = Pauly Shoregasms
Sex with a cookie = Oreogasms
Sex while flying = Soargasms
Sex with a bugle player = Horngasms
Sex with an astronaut who didn't make it into space = Abortgasms
Sex with a beloved partner = Adoregasms
Sex with a meat eater = Carnivoregasms
Sex with a person who's got a really bad hairdo = Pompadoregasms
Sex with someone who has really bad taste in clothes = Velourgasms
Sex while sightseeing = Tourgasms
Sex with a big dog = Labradorgasms
Sex with Beavs and Butthead = Gonnascoregasms
Sex during an earthquake = Tremorgasms
Sex on farm implements = Tractorgasms
Sex with Thomas Edison = Inventorgasms
Sex with a construction worker = Contractorgasms
Sex at a symphony orchestra = Conductorgasms
Sex with a person who examines dead bodies = Coronergasms
Sex on the stairs at the mall = Escalatorgasms
Sex while hopelessly drunk on shooters = Liquorgasms
Sex with a possessive partner = Yourgasms
Sex with Frankenstein's assistant = Igorgasms
Sex with three of your friends = Fourgasms
Sex with a Norse God = Thorgasms
Sex when resistance is futile = Borggasms
Sex without a climax = Nogasms
WOOOOO HOOOOO for a DAEWOO!!
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A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. "Wow, this is great," he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight: lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.
Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"
"Yes. Come and join us," they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. "What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked. "Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them." This he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?"
"You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well." The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. "Is there anything else you guys do?" he asked. One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. "There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there," he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. "They're girls. We shag them. Go and try it." Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys. "That was fantastic," he panted. "So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked. "I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't." The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here."
"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette."
Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"
"Yes. Come and join us," they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. "What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked. "Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them." This he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?"
"You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well." The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. "Is there anything else you guys do?" he asked. One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. "There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there," he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. "They're girls. We shag them. Go and try it." Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys. "That was fantastic," he panted. "So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked. "I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't." The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here."
"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette."
WOOOOO HOOOOO for a DAEWOO!!
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Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."
WOOOOO HOOOOO for a DAEWOO!!
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