life changes

[TheGreatAndPowerfulOz]

Well ... as some of you know, after being with my girlfriend/fiancée for 4 years, I married her on 16 June 2012.

I found out this past Friday (5 April 2013) that she has been cheating on me with one of her coworkers.

Today I am changing my address with the DMV and post office, temporarily moving back in with my parents until I can find a new place to live, and filing the separation paperwork so that 6 months from now, I can file for divorce.

Emotionally, this has hit me very hard.

But there is some positive outcome to this for the near future.
-I will not be paying $1400 each month for rent.
-My drive to work will be reduced to 15 minutes in stead of 45 minutes.
-After all my monthly expenses are paid, more than $1,000 per month will go into savings.
-I can complete all the work on my Lanos to get it in top condition again.
-The new Chevy Sonic will be paid off in a year & a half and I can trade it in for another (used) Porsche
(I will put a sticker on the Porsche that says: "My other car is a Daewoo" - lol)
-Car insurance cost will be reduced
-Health insurance cost will be reduced
-I will be able to help take care of my father who has ongoing medical problems.

.....

Over all, losing her is really shitty and it hurts a lot ... but I know with time things will get better.

Cliff

[daewooluvr]

you want me to drive down and mess this guy up?

When I first started reading this I thought it was a really bad April Fools joke or something.

Sorry it had to happen to you but you're right, things will get better.

[gse_turbo]

That is really bad. Unfortunately it's all too common. I went thought the exact same thing about five years ago. It's sucked but I can't express how good things have gotten over the years. I'm remarried now, two years in May, and my wife is amazing. Things were really bad for about a year after the devorce but looking back it was a great experience to learn and grow from now.

[benzino]

Ah, that's awful mate.
A least you have so many positives to outweigh the negative.

I'm getting married in a couple of months and I just hope nothing like this happens.

[TheGreatAndPowerfulOz]

This will be my 2nd divorce caused by the wife cheating.
Back in the 1997, while I was serving in the Air Force and away, my wife at the time cheated.
She maxed out all the credit cards and ran the phone bill up to almost $1,000, and with e3 pay in the 1990s while also supporting rent, bills, 2 cars and a lazy wife would would not work, there was no way I could pay that all off.

It took me 2 years after the divorce to get out of debt and I did not even think about dating again for a few years.

I got engaged again, bought a house with her, bought a car for her, paid her college tuition, gave her spending money and while I was working night shifts, she cheated on me.

At this point, I do not think I am ever going to get into a serious relationship again.

[benzino]

don't give up on relationships... they can work. just take things slowly and make sure there is equal contribution on all levels, not just financial.

Find a friend next time. Easier said than done, yes... but would you pay for a friend's car, or house, or tuition? would a friend expect that sort of treatment? Find someone that doesn't expect or need that sort of stuff. Ideally someone who also likes Daewoos :P

Just my 2c learnt from experiences over the years. Like my mum, she is a huge enabler and I think it stems from being single a long time. She will do similar to what you do; just give, give, give. But I think human nature repels away from that behaviour. It forces people to take advantage of the other person and then resent them for perceived hopelessness (because they are allowing themselves to be taken advantage of).

BTW, I'm not trying to analyse you, and of course I don't know you personally so I could be completely wrong; so I apologise if you take offence to anything I've said.

[TheGreatAndPowerfulOz]

BTW - the one I bought a house with and paid tuition, etc was not the one who I am now divorcing. I was with that girl from 2000 - 2004.

--
The one I am divorcing now was my best friend and we had been together since 2009. Things DID work out well, she was my best friend. She does have a job that pays almost as well as mine and she did do stuff for me, set up vacations for us, take me out, I'd take her out, etc. We even had a Star Wars themed wedding (her idea). It was an amazing relationship with my best friend and whom I mutually thought we were each other's other half. ..... Then I found out she cheated. It was apparently only once, but it happened. She -said- she didn't mean for it to happen and had never thought about or planned anything like this to happen. Unfortunately, she made marriage vows to me and she broke them which made me lose all trust with her.

[turboetec]

Cliff,

I haven't shared this with anybody else, not even my parents and siblings, but only Garrett here knows who I am, so here goes. I don't know the full details, of course, and I'm not judging anything that you do or saying that you need to go one way or another.

About 8 years ago, a few years after we had been married, my wife came quite close to cheating on me. I won't go into the details, but fortunately it stopped before it went all the way. We were very close friends but had struggled with many of the common issues in marriage -- managing our time and priorities together, making an effort to continue to build our relationship, handling conflicts, etc. -- and in many ways had slowly drifted apart in those first few years. It was a very difficult time, but I made the decision to forgive her and we moved on from there.

We have now been married for 12 years and our marriage has really improved. It's not an easy journey, and for many years after the incident it still hurt me to think about it or read about adultery or other related stuff. But we are happily married today and that hurt is really a distant memory. We still have to continue to work very hard at our marriage, but we are both very supportive of each other and we make an effort to spend time together and resolve any issues that inevitably arise when you have three kids and work issues to manage.

I remember, before this incident, discussing with my wife that I thought divorce was justified when adultery happens in a marriage. I think you wouldn't be wrong in that. I will also say now that, if you think she is sincere, and you can bring yourself to forgive her and try to work through the issues you have, it could still be a painful process but there is still possibly healing and light at the end of the tunnel.

Unfortunately, she made a bad choice and both of you are facing the fallout from that now. Whichever way you go, it will be a painful process, and it sounds like a few of us here have had to deal with that emotional scar.

- turboetec

[benzino]

BTW - the one I bought a house with and paid tuition, etc was not the one who I am now divorcing. I was with that girl from 2000 - 2004.

Ah, my bad. Sorry I misunderstood.

I really hope things end up working out for you, whatever decision you make.

[daewooluvr]

We could always send Tony Clifton down there to take care of this guy. I hear he has a Lanos

[Puddle31]

Cliff, I am sorry to hear of your situation. It is certainly a painful one. I don't know turbotec from the man on the moon, and you may not want to hear this, but I think he is giving you some sound advice. It may be something you want to consider before you actually file for divorce and make it final. It is great that you have family around and are able to help others, in spite of the difficult situation. Keep your chin up.

[MMamdouh]

sorry to hear that bro...

MMamdouh